Rachel's Blatherings

Dreams of Home

2011-10-11T15:29:00.003-05:00

11 October 2011

Wow. Every time I post here I feel I have to apologize for being away so long. But, you know, it's just so much easier to pop a couple sentences on facebook than to blog several paragraphs here.

Well, here's the quick update: Aa just returned from nearly 2 weeks in UG. He had an amazing time there, and we didn't do too bad here ourselves. Even though the bigs' 3-week fall break coincided with Aa's trip. Thankfully, my mom retired this year and was able to be here the whole time Aa wasn't. Otherwise, I might have pulled all my hair out.

This is the last week of the bigs' break and they are doing okay at finding ways to entertain themselves, even though it's been rainy out. This morning, Punk started one of his lists. This one is all about his future home. I had to share it here, spelling preserved (he did ask about a few words).

Home
1 Log cabin
2 tvs
2 wiis
1 snakeskin carpet
1 bear skin carpet
2 laptops
1 desk with scientist stuff on it
10 frames with snake on it
1 snake skin curtin
3 cats
2 dogs
1 small bed
2 cunfy chairs
1 soafa
walls painted green, red, blue
floors are bamboo
ferrari
river
5 fish
2 globes
1 hot tub
a picture of mom dad sister brother
laser guns surounding house
pretend fruit
camras outside
satalight dish
securaty (security) room

Job (second list)
working for the presadent as a scientist
invenchins (he hasn't gotten these written down yet)

I just thought we'd all have fun looking through these lists again in a few years...or 50. :)

Send Aa to UG and Teach Your Kids About Money at the Same Time!

2011-08-19T09:20:00.004-05:00

19 Aug 2011

Hey there, blogosphere! It's my birthday! Yay! 35!

But, better than that, there's only about one month left until Aa leaves for Uganda! I'm sooooooo very excited for him to get to experience some of what I experienced 18 months ago. The sweet, sweet people are life-changers!

To help finance his trip, Aa has made a brand-new design for a money box/bank like we use with our kids (he made theirs too, but this new design is really great!). It's up for auction on Ebay and all the money he makes from it will be put toward his trip fees. The great thing about this bank is that it has three "wells" for the money to go in. The wells are marked (on the lid) share (for donations/tithes), save (to deposit in the bank or other investments at your convenience), and spend (to be used on desires). You can use this tool to discuss the different ways of using money, how to budget, how to be generous, and to pass on your values concerning money with your kids.

We have worked out what we feel is a good system for using this tool. We want to give our kids as realistic a perspective as possible to prepare them for adulthood. I hope this description of what we do will help you determine what will work well for your family.

We give our kids a salary (going to school is their "job") each week; they do not get an allowance for doing household chores because that is just part of being a family. They receive their salary in dimes so that they can easily divide it up into the different uses. We require that some goes in each well each week. They decide what to spend their spend money on and set long-term goals for their savings. They also decide where and when to contribute their give money. Each school year they get a raise and when grades become more meaningful, they will get "performance bonuses" based on their achievements at school. So far, this method has worked really well for our now 6 and 7 year olds.

So, please go to Ebay now and bid on the great tool for a great cause! Thanks!

Visit with AB

2011-08-09T09:09:00.003-05:00

9 August 2011

After church on Sunday, Pup and I drove down to GA to meet with AB for our 6 month visit. Lucky for me, Pup slept most of the way and traveled very
well. He's such a good baby!

Always looking to save money where possible, I had booked us in a cheapy motel. It was only for one night--how bad could it be, right? Bwahahahaha!

When checking in, I asked for a non-smoking room on the first floor. I also requested a baby bed or crib. No problem. Room 116 in the back, first floor. As I drove around to the back of the building, I noticed first that the room was on the corner, so no neighbors on one side at least. Very nice. When I opened the door (which had a no-smoking placard on it) wafts of stale smoke smell undulated over me and Pup. Ug.

I dropped the diaper bag on the floor, tossed Pup on the bed, and heaved my overnight bag (half-full of empty bottles) onto the table. Then I burst into a fit of ironic giggles. I'd shoved this (see photo below) out of the way of the suitcase!

A few minutes later the "host" from the front desk knocked. He rattled on about another guest with a similar surname and city name who had also requested a crib. "But, that is not you, right? Just to be clear: I need to get two cribs, right?" Uh, yeah. Seems that way.

Before long there was another knock at the door and he was back (with a man who could have been his father?) with a collapsible crib from, oh, say, 7 decades ago? It was fully assembled, with two adult pillows, two full-size sheets and a full-size mattress pad (which he referred to as a blanket) heaped inside. After they had left, I stared at the crib with it's fold-down legs all askew and it's generally rickety appearance, wondering whether it would withstand the 21.5 lbs of baby I would place within it in a few hours.

After feeding Pup, we went to Olive Garden for soup, salad and breadsticks. We were seated with older couples all around us. Which could have spelled disaster. But actually proved to be entertaining--for all of us! Pup got his accustomed level of attention and the other customers were delighted with his cuteness. :) Before we left, I asked for a little sumthin-sumthin for later and we headed back to our humble abode away from home for the night.

After Pup went to sleep, I watched plenty of Food Network and HGTV (we don't have cable at home), painted my toenails (boy did they need it!) and consumed my little bit of luxury.

Next morning, Pup and I had a leisurely waking period from 6-9. After checking out, we headed to the mall where we were to meet AB and our social worker. Fortunately, I found a little play area to hang out in because AB brought her daughter (M, Pup's half-sister) along this time. It was the first time I had met M and I was very pleased for the opportunity.

M turned two in March. She is full of life and energy and is a happy little girl. She seems older than two as she is big, articulate, and socially mature. I would have pegged her as a pre-schooler had I not known better. She was comfortable with me and let me hold her and talk to her right away. Like most toddlers, she was enthralled with the baby and gave him lots of hugs and kisses.

AB and I chatted about mundane things while she held and played with Pup. M had a great time playing independently, especially on the tiny slide. The only problem was that she was wearing a sweet dress and her little legs kept sticking to the slide!

After a while, we headed to the food court for lunch. After we’d eaten, our social worker slipped away for a moment. I had prayed before our last meeting and felt like God spoke to me that AB might be afraid that she was a disappointment to me/us/Pup. I couldn’t work it into the conversation last time, but when I prayed about this meeting, the same word “disappointment” came up. So, I felt I should address it. When we were alone together (with the kids), it seemed like a good moment. So, I leaned toward AB and asked, “Can I go deep with you for just one moment?” She looked nervous, but gave me the go-ahead. I asked whether she was afraid that she was or would disappoint us. She said, “Yeah, I guess, a little” in a way that told me it was really more than just a little. So, I took the opportunity to pour love and acceptance on her. I told her that she is not at all a disappointment to me! That I love her, that she is a shining, beautiful delight to me. I affirmed that she is the redeemed of the Lord, precious to Him, clothed by Him in a queenly robe—and that if He sees her that way, who am I to disagree? J I told her that no matter what she does, her behavior and choices don’t define her—Jesus does. And I agree with Him—she is utterly a delight to me and I am so glad she is part of my life.

She cried a bit and didn’t have much to say in response. Which I anticipated. The kids made an easy transition from the deep back to our normal surface level. I plan to write out my feelings about this for her to keep. Partly, because I express myself so much better in writing and partly because I want her to have it written down, in black and white, where she can read it and believe it whenever she wants or needs to.

The social worker returned and it was time to say good-bye. Pup got lots more cuddles and kisses from AB and M. AB and I shared a good, life-giving embrace. And we went off our separate ways. Good-byes are always hard. This one was made a little easier because I was glad I had said what I wanted to say and had imparted my heart and my love to AB—and I even got to love a little on M. But, it’ll be winter before we meet again. Pup will be tottering around probably. It’s sorrowful to think of all AB is missing in his life. But, I’m so glad that she’s not missing it all, that she’s choosing to stay connected. And, I hope that as she believes in my love and opinion of her that she will begin to open her heart more and more in return.

A friend of mine recently said, "So when you adopted Pup, you adopted AB too!" Yep. We did.

Development Spurt?!

2011-07-27T14:59:00.003-05:00

27 July 2011

We all know babies and kids go through growth spurts, but Pup seems to have entered a "development spurt." While my mom was here a couple weeks ago, she taught Pup to sit up. He's been doing baby crunches ever since I can remember, so I knew his core was pretty strong. Mom set him on the floor and made a tripod by spreading his feet as far as they would go and then resting his hands on the floor between them. He took to it right away. Of course.

Well, ever since then, he's been accumulating all kinds of tricks and accomplishments! He now seems able to roll over at will, can sit for a few minutes with his hands off the floor before he topples, and is fascinated with his tongue (sticking it out and making raspberries). Today when we got home from school, I set him (on his back) on the floor while I helped the bigs tackle their after-school responsibilities. When I came back to Pup, he had flipped to his belly and repeatedly drew his left knee up toward his left hip as if he was trying to start crawling!

Uuuggh! I really, truly wish the first year of life could stretch over two years. It just goes by too fast. At Pup's 6 month appointment last week, the Dr. urged me to get going on solid foods. I just want to keep Pup a baby as long as I can. He just doesn't seem to want to cooperate! Sigh. I guess it's time to bite the bullet and plug all the sockets. Anyone seen any good deals on cabinet and drawer stops?

Reprogramming and Running Away

2011-07-27T14:33:00.003-05:00

27 July 2011

The bigs attend year-round school, so they had 5 weeks in June and July off for their summer break. Three of those 5 weeks were filled with visits from the grandparents (first my parents for a week, then Aa's for 2). Our last visitors left on Monday morning. Needless to say, after all that spoiling by the gps and the relaxing of discipline by Aa and me, some reprogramming has been required this week!

I gave myself a break on Monday and did nearly nothing regarding housework and child-training. But, Tuesday was a new day and a return to routine and our typical standards of behavior. So, after about 5 weeks of doling out threats with nothing to back them up, I told the bigs Monday night that they'd used up all their warnings and that consequences would be swift on Tuesday.

On the way home from school Tuesday, it was bicker, bicker, bicker. Of course. Part of our routine is that the kids do a few quick chores (pick up the mail, take out the dog, deal with lunch boxes and backpacks) and then have some blow-off-steam play time before we hit the homework. Well, they decided to rough-house and I could tell it was escalating, so I called it off and told them not to touch each other. So, Punk poked Pea. Of course. I sent him straight to his bed and told him I'd be there to talk to him in just a moment. After assuring myself that Pea wasn't also in need of discipline, I called Punk down from his upper bunk. He recalled that there were to be no warnings and we reviewed the meaning of obedience (you do what I say right away, all the way, and with a happy heart). He admitted that poking Pea didn't fit the bill. I told him I'd have to spank him once for his disobedience. I gave him one quick thwap. Being the drama king he is, he screamed bloody murder and leapt up into the air. He scurried to his closed bedroom door and flew out. Before I knew it, I heard the front door open and close. Hot on his heels, I got outside just after he did. He turned and scowled and yelled, "I'm running away!"

Well, that was a first, so I had to think and act quickly. Without rushing, I caught him up and began to talk to him.
"Where are you going?"
"Hrmph. I don't know." Grumbled.
"Hmmm. Well, you didn't stop to get your shoes (compassionately). I bet your feet are going to start hurting."
"Hrmph."
"And, it is raining out here. You'll be getting awfully wet soon."
"So what." Angry.
"Why don't we go home where it's dry and cool. We can talk about this and come up with a plan."
"Hmf." Resigned?
I scooped him up and held his stiff, angry body close to me. I said gently, "You know, no matter where you go in this world, you will never, ever find anyone who loves you as much as Daddy and I do. And, your sister and brother are a close second." I couldn't believe my brilliance! I sounded like a movie script! And, what's even better--it worked! By the time we got inside the door, his attitude was changed and his arms were around my neck. His hands slid down my arms as I set him down, not wanting to break the connection.

After 7 years of parenting this little boy who is cut from the same cloth I was, I feel I'm finally getting a handle on how to deal with his drama. It requires every ounce of strength I have to fight drama with kindness and quiet (instead of escalating the situation as I have in the past). Just like me, he just wants empathy and understanding. And love. It all comes back to love. When I remain calm and in control of myself, I can show him my love in a much more convincing way. And, when he knows I love him no matter what, all the other stuff falls away for him too.

I was amazed that the rest of the afternoon and evening passed without another incident. Five weeks worth of unprogramming reversed with one spank and kindly whispered words of love? Unbelievable, but true!

So You Think You Should Adopt? Please Don't.

2011-06-25T16:44:00.003-05:00

25 June 2011

I’m a huge advocate for adoption. I love it. It is an absolutely miraculous way to create or expand a family. I am extremely passionate about adoption and desire to help those on the adoption pathway in any way I can. Because of that passion and because we have adopted twice (once internationally, once domestically) and because I worked for an agency for a short time, I often find myself being asked for advice on the topic. Just the other day, a friend messaged me to ask specifically about motivation to adopt. The topic really got my juices bubbling and I want to share more publicly what I said to him.

It seems to me that interest in adoption is growing and while that makes my heart glow with hope, it also creates a hitch in my spirit. Since joining the adoption community in 2005, I have seen many happy families created or grown; I have born witness to many successful adoptions. But, I have also seen a discouraging number of failed adoptions. Most of us heard about the child whose mother sent him back to Russia alone last year (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36322282/ns/world_news-europe/t/boy-sent-back-russia-adoption-ban-urged/). This news was shocking and horrifying. But it isn’t the only story of its kind. When I worked with the agency, I saw two children returned to their birth country under similar circumstances. And, I have heard of many, many more failed adoptions through the grapevine over the years. It’s tremendously disheartening to think of the emotional trauma created for children and families who find themselves in these positions. I understand that the families feel there is no other option available to them and I recognize they experience their own emotional carnage related to their adoption disruptions. And, even some parents with right motivations, good preparation, and lots of support can have trouble in their adoptions. But, I believe that at least some of these situations are preventable.

In the past, people adopted because they wanted to become parents. Almost all adoptive parents experienced infertility or secondary infertility. They simply wanted children (or more children) in their home, had the resources to raise them, and the compunction that children could be “our own” without coming from our bodies.

In recent years, adoption has begun to come to the forefront of the American Christian psyche. There is, in fact, a Christian adoption movement. And, a lot of good is coming from that (although I agree with them that there is much ground yet to be won). People are realizing that adoption is a positive (albeit challenging) way to grow a family. However, many well-intentioned people, stirred by the Bible’s clear injunctions to care for widows and orphans (Ex. 22:22, Deut. 10:18, 14:29, 24:17, PS 68:5, 82:3, Isa. 1:17,Jer 22:3, Zec 7:10) and Jesus’ plain instruction on caring for “the least of these” (Mat. 25:40,45), and taking a cue from our Heavenly Father’s spiritual adoption of each of us, consider adoption as the best way to obey these commands. I believe that is flat-out wrong. This “rescue-the-children” mentality is at the root of many adoptive parents’ dissatisfaction with their adoption experience as well as the fundamental reason some adoptions fail.

This rescue mentality can seem to blind people from their usual common sense. People seem to think that somehow an adoptable child is inherently good and, given the right environment, he will quickly and totally recover from his early trauma. But, these same parents, if they knew the next door neighbor kid had been involved in a gang even if only for survival, or had been sexually abused and learned to become an abuser herself, had learned to steal and horde to have food—would they bring that child over for a slumber party, let alone to be a permanent part of the family and share a room with their perfectly sheltered toddler? The reality is that many kids who have a less-than-ideal foundation (from malnourishment to neglect to abuse of any kind) can make great strides in their new families, but it isn’t instantaneous or even easy. Recovery for the child may demand an exceptionally high degree of commitment, advocacy, patience, selflessness, and persistence from the parent(s).

Another problem for parents who want to be a child’s savior is that adopted kids rarely feel much gratitude toward the family that has “rescued” them. From the children’s perspective, the adoptive family has ripped them away from everything they’ve ever known, the place they truly belonged. Far from appreciating all that the adoptive family can provide, the children are traumatized and grieved. These emotions and problems may surface immediately, or may develop over time, but at some point in an adoptive family’s life, they most likely will have to face this beast head-on. Adoption is far from ideal and adoptive parents who set themselves up as some kind of rescuing hero are setting themselves up for a fall. Unfortunately, many blame the children for the tumble from their pedestal, with tragic results.

This desire to rescue children from poverty can have devastating effects that reach far beyond the adoptive family. Not long ago there was a surge of people wanting to rescue impoverished kids in Guatemala. Rather than saving a generation of children, the situation ended up creating a black-market for healthy infants where babies were being stolen from loving mothers so they could be sold for adoption to well-meaning American couples (http://sites.google.com/site/internationaladoptionfacts/guatemala-adoption-u-s-adoptions-fueled-by-kidnappings). This, and similar situations, led to the closure of legitimate inter-country adoptions not only in Guatemala, but also in other countries which feared a similar fate for their children. Rarely is there a glut of healthy infants available internationally; even the poorest mothers want to breastfeed and care for their children as long as they can. If you're saying your primary motivation is to save a child’s life, but you only want a healthy infant (and you want to do it internationally so you don't have to deal with messy birth family issues) you have missed the point entirely.

I said above that these adoption failures could be prevented. If those who wish to adopt would take a serious look at their motivation, be honest with themselves before God and their spouses (where applicable), and take steps ensure their hearts are truly in the right place, it’s true—many of these sad stories would never occur.

For Aa and me, we stumbled into adoption because of secondary infertility. We conceived Punk easily when we wanted to, but we couldn’t get pregnant again (not for lack of trying!). We started our adoption journey because we wanted another child in our family. Honestly, we did like the idea that we were entering into a new understanding of the Father’s adoptive heart toward us and that we were obeying the Bible’s commands about orphans. And, in the end, I do believe we saved Pea’s life. If she hadn’t been adopted, she would have died. But, that wasn’t why we adopted her.

I think adoption is a lot like marriage—it’s a huge commitment, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. You are binding yourself to another person whose history you only know in part and whose future you cannot predict. When you adopt a child, you are committing to love and treat them as though they had come from your own body, without any guarantees about how the relationship will go. One adoptive mother who struggled in her relationship with her adopted daughter put it this way: “Unless you can imagine loving and being committed to a child even if they would NEVER love you, don't adopt.”

If you are considering adoption because it seems like the right thing to do, because you want to save a child from poverty, because you want to be the best Christian you can be, because you want to be hero, PLEASE DON’T DO IT. I cannot stress strongly enough the disaster that may ensue for you, your family, and the child(ren) you adopt if you enter into it for these reasons.

These motivations are not wrong in themselves. They are just not appropriate to adoption. As a Christian, you do need to step up and defend the fatherless. You do need to extend yourself on behalf of the widow, orphan, and the least of the least. As James 1:27 puts it, “Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles.” (emphasis mine) It’s non-negotiable. But, these commands do not require us to adopt.

There are many other ways to fulfill these injunctions. In fact, adoption is really only a band-aid solution in the first place. It does nothing to address the needs of the birth family or the culture (domestic or foreign) into which the needy child was born. Advocating on behalf of the poor and contributing to transformational ministries which lift people out of poverty are very effective ways to create real, lasting change. Look into providing micro-loans for entrepreneurs in struggling economies. Or, support and promote organizations like Sports Outreach Ministries which is transforming the lives of Uganda’s inner-city slum children as well as families in rural villages of Northern Uganda in both practical and spiritual ways.

Most of the world’s adoptable children aren’t orphans in the truest sense; most have at least one living parent. They are adoptable because of poverty (this is true in the US and abroad). The exception to this is AIDS orphans. You can make a real difference and save children’s lives by advocating for ARV treatments in Africa and India and other places hit hard by the disease. Compassion, International has a stellar program for helping HIV+ mothers avoid transmission to their infants, as well as preventing infant mortality from other causes and helping the mothers live longer, stronger lives. Find out more at http://www.compassion.com/help-babies.htm.

Right here at home, you can make a real difference by backing ministries that support women in unplanned pregnancies (our local Lifeline is in dire need of diapers!) or mentoring an impoverished child. If you want an even more hands-on experience, apply for your foster-care license. It’s absolutely free to get started and it’s not a life-long commitment like adoption is. Many counties/states are desperate for solid, willing foster families.

In short, I want to let you off the hook. You don’t have to adopt! And, adopting doesn’t make you a hero or a better Christian. If you want to adopt for those reasons, please find an alternative. If you want to adopt because you desire to parent a child and are willing to face the challenges and difficulties that accompany adoption, I’ll be your biggest support!

Tidbits

2011-05-29T20:37:00.004-05:00

Since I'm not here so much any more, I thought I'd better jot down a few notes for posterity. And you guys.

Punk is turning into a math genius. He's still a few months off of his 7th birthday, finishing up the first grade and doing simple division (12/4) in his head. Per Punk's request, Aa explained decimals to him this afternoon and he seemed to pick it right up. I wish math was so intuitive to me! What's the opposite of intuitive? Math! :)
Pup is growing like gangbusters! He had his 4 month check-up last week. He came in at 17.5 lbs and 27", which puts him in the 90th and 95th percentiles, respectively. He's pushing the boundaries of the 3-6 month clothes. Dunno what I'm going to do with all the cute fall/winter 12-18 mo stuff I bought on clearance!
Pea is doing really well with her locs. We tightened them a little while ago and I asked her if the experience was better or worse than having her whole head braided. She said it was soooooo much better. Good. Cuz you're stuck with it now, kid!
Aa shaved off his goatee. Now he and Pup are identical, except in coloring. It's uncanny. I'll have to snap a pic of them together.
Pup has rolled over twice now, days apart, both times while I was out of the room. He's started on rice cereal and avocados. He's not really sure about either of them, but he's very curious about the foods the rest of us are eating!
Pea has brought a total of 3 notes home from school--all letting us know she's been disciplined for acting silly/distracting during learning times. This is the little girl who loved preschool, but practically hid in her shell the whole time. Her teacher put it well when she said, "I'm so please to see Pea coming into her own, but now she needs to learn the boundaries."
Pup continues to get attention everywhere we go. There is no such thing as a quick errand when he is in tow!
Aa is still making boxes for donations for his trip to Uganda this fall. I'm considering a fund-raiser where I sell something like gift certificates for desserts. You buy the certificate now and cash it in when you want the cake/cupcakes/cheesecake/mousse. Maybe...
I got an iPhone today. And sent my first text. How many points does that earn me? :)
Aa is practically covered in poison ivy. He thinks he found the culprit in the yard. I'm surprised none of the children have gotten it. Aa says maybe they're all immune like me. What are the chances? Seriously!
Pup is sleeping pretty well now. Goes to bed around 9, gets up around 5, but is kept at bay with a paci (which I like to call his "sucker") until 6:15-6:30. When school gets out, Punk gets a roomie!
The restaurant we had lunch at today has one of those quarters-for-candy machines. Pea got Skittles. After eating a few, she asked me which is my favorite color. Then she bent over her handful and picked out all the orange ones and gave them to me. She is sweetness and generosity in little brown girl form.
I took sheaves of paperwork to the courthouse Friday to file for the finalization of Pup's adoption. But, when I got there, they told me "the adoption lady" wasn't in. I have to call Tuesday. Hope she can see me pronto because I need to get it filed this month or more paperwork ensues! Eeep!

Farewell, Fireplace! Hello, Baby Space!

2011-05-04T18:01:00.005-05:00

4 May 2011

So, I know, I know, taking out a fireplace is a stupid idea from a re-sale perspective, but we didn't make this decision lightly. It was time for it to go. We never use it, never liked it. It took up valuable real estate in our slightly cramped living areas (we have big bedrooms, though!). And, most pointedly of late, it was a baby hazard. So out it came and, once again, we rearranged furniture, creating a spacious dining area (in the official dining room, of all places!), a formal living room/library, and a family room with the huge sectional another couch, my desk, and room for all the baby's "furniture" (jumperoo, activity gym, etc.).

Now you see it... Well, sorta. This is the best--the only--"before" pic I could find with the fireplace in it. It's like a "Where's Waldo." If you haven't found it yet, look to the left behind all the stuff that's piled up there. That's actually a pretty accurate state of affairs.Now you don't!I took the last pic above at the end of the day when we had most of the furniture where we wanted it, but a lot of the clutter was still seeking it's new home. So, yeah, it looks a little better now. :)

While Mama and Daddy were busy moving furniture and the bigs were busy playing outside, poor baby Pup was stuck safely away in his jumperoo. Apparently, we weren't watching the clock and worked right through naptime!

Projects Again

2011-04-24T20:25:00.004-05:00

24 April 2011

I dunno what it is with us, but we seem to go from house project to house project. Only a baby seems to interrupt the flow. :)

The latest target has been our useless fireplace. It was always in the way, never used, never wanted, and about to become a baby hazard. So, out it came! The bigs were thrilled with their superhero: Destructo-Dad! They thought it was so fun that Daddy was ripping into the wall, tearing off tiles. Baby Pup wasn't so sure about all the noise. And Dexter (our dog) really didn't know what to make of all the commotion.

The bigs were very interested in helping with the project, so Aa let them help with the clean-up! They did a good job and certainly had fun with it!So far, Aa was able to match the baseboard trim after 3 or 4 trips to the big box stores. He stuck the new drywall piece in, filled in the flooring where the tile hearth was (with only 4 inches of materials to spare!), and mudded up around the hole. The bigs are thrilled with their dad's destructive powers, but I am soooooo glad he has what it takes to put things back together better than before!Of course, painting over the hole is the next step. Then the furniture will need to be rearranged (again). And, the kitchen and dining room are getting new paint--"front door red"!!! I'm excited about all the changes. Oh, and Aa says the gas line from the fireplace might get linked to a new gas cooktop maybe next year! Woohoo!

Easter Scrapbook

2011-04-24T20:15:00.006-05:00

24 April 2011

Being the far-away portion of the family has it's pros and cons. We can spend holidays in our jammies and avoid the stress of big, fancy, family dinners, but we don't get to have big, fancy, family dinners or enjoy the company of our larger family. With the new baby, everything seems to have been demoted to the "low-key" category and Easter is no different. I did bake a 10-lb ham Saturday night (with frozen veg and homemade bread) and we dyed 2 dozen eggs. The bigs had a quick hunt this morning, but the EB didn't even stop over with baskets and candy (they still have Halloween treats for Pete's sake!!!).

What treats they did receive came from relatives from afar. Punk got some fun Lego sets and Pea's pony collection grew. They couldn't be happier with their new things.

This sweet little outfit for Pup was one of the gifts from my brother and his fiancette. Isn't he darling in it? :)

Spring Has Sprung...

2011-04-09T12:46:00.005-05:00

9 April 2011

...and so it is now time to introduce Pup to the timeless family (maternal side) tradition of pantslessness.When you get enough of those darling chub-chub legs, check out the quilt my mom made for Pupster. :) It's hard to tell in the photo, but the batik blocks have beautiful turtles in them. The easiest one to pick out is in the left-hand corner of the quilt. Did you find him? I love the ocean theme with the seaweed border and polka dots just for fun! Pup is certainly a beach-boy in the making!

Almost the First Time

2011-04-07T19:10:00.002-05:00

7 April 2011

I just uncovered this little piece of history. :) It's not the first time we were all five together, but it's the first time on video! As you know, I was present at Pup's birth. The rest of the family met him the night before this video was shot, but no one get film of that (the picture with Punk pulling Pup's hair actually is from that first night). This was taken the day we took Pup home, before we signed reams of paperwork (how many trees are sacrificed for each adoption, I wonder...). So, it's a smidge lackluster, but still worth the few seconds it takes to view it. At least I think so. But I may be partial.

Grandma Love

2011-03-31T18:45:00.003-05:00

31 March 2011

My parents came to stay with us for a few days during my mom's spring break (she's a teacher). I snapped this sweet moment between Grandma and Pup and thought it was too adorable not to share.

Dear Tooth Fairy

2011-03-31T18:39:00.003-05:00

31 March 2011

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Somewhere, somehow things got mixed up. For some reason, people have got it in their heads that KIDS get money in exchange for the teeth they lose. Unfortunately, it seems that you simply transfer this money from the parents' pockets to the children's pillows. This is the part I have a problem with. I mean, look at this kid's mouth! Look where you put that adult tooth! It's like a half an inch behind where it should be! If you want to take money from my purse to put under her pillow, make sure you also put some magical money under MY pillow to start a fund for her braces.

Sincerely,
Rachel

Pup's Dedication

2011-03-31T15:28:00.006-05:00

31 March 2011

On Sunday we dedicated Pup to the Lord. I don't know what your church tradition is, but this one comes from the fact that Mary and Joseph dedicated Jesus to the Father when he was an infant. There is also precedence with Hannah dedicating Samuel, and maybe some other babies. I don't know as much about the background as I probably should. But when I read that Jesus was dedicated at the temple, that was good enough for me! :)At our church, the families who are dedicating their children come on stage and our pastor prays over them. Then, the rest of the staff have an opportunity to offer words of encouragement or prophesy. The staff have been praying, asking God what he wants to impart to these parents and children, and then they give these word-gifts to the families at the dedication during the Sunday service.Our pastor's wife told us that she had a very clear picture of Pup in early elementary school out on the playground. He was a leader among his peers and a champion of the underdog. He stuck up for those who were picked on and stood up for justice. She said it wasn't necessarily anything Aa and I had worked hard to impart to him; just part of his make-up, a gift of God for his life. Another pastor also confirmed that Pup would be a lover of his fellow man (and child!) and that he will be a defender of the weak. He went on to say that Pup will lead by example in this area.Of course, both Aa and I were teary as we heard these words of destiny spoken over our son. I had even toyed with the idea of naming him Justice because I felt some inklings of this before he was even born! I am amazed (again) by what God is doing in and through and for our son, before he is even 3 months old!

A New Beginning

2011-03-31T07:55:00.004-05:00

31 March 2011

Pea is beginning a new adventure--locs! She doesn't like sitting all day to have her hair done and I simply don't have that kind of time on a regular basis anymore. So, we decided to start her with locs (that's the PC term for dreadlocks, in case you were wondering). Saturday I spent all day (about 9 am to 5 pm, not including the bath at the beginning) putting the twists in that will become the locs over time. She did great and I really like how the starters turned out. ('though I think a middle part suits her better than the side one she's sporting above)
Aa was my hero that day as he devoted himself to all the things I normally would have been doing but couldn't--baby care, running errands, house work--and all the more so since we were expecting my parents to arrive that same evening! He is far and away the best husband a girl could ever dream of. Worth his weight in gold. (And check out Punk's "hair chair"! Guess he was jealous the girlie gets her own throne for hair days and decided to produce his own version!)

My Diabolical Plan

2011-03-23T16:08:00.003-05:00

23 March 2011

This afternoon Punk was playing with Pup. Ever the sentimental, expressive, emotional, drama prince, he was gushing about how fun Pup is, how sweet and cute he is, etc. This fountain of love culminated in a plea for another baby ("A GIRL!!!" Pea interjected) soon! This isn't a new request. A few weeks ago Punk and Pea settled on the number of babies it would take to make our family complete: 15. That's 15 new babies. It doesn't include the three children we have now. A family of 20, apparently, is a complete family!

But, I digress. In response to Punk's effusions, I decided to unveil a little plan I've been cooking up. I said, "Well, you know, Punk, the more babies there are, the less time Mama has for doing things around the house. And, since they still have to be done, that means that the big kids get to do them."

He was excited, "Yay! I get to boss Pea around!"

"Well, no, because this still doesn't mean you're the parent. It just means that you'll get to help the family more. In fact, I'm going to teach you both some new chores during Spring Break. We'll do lots of fun things, too. But, each week (they get 3 weeks off because they are in year-round school) I will teach each of you a new job and we'll spend the week learning it. Then, when you go back to school, you'll be experts and you'll be able to do the jobs yourselves!"

I didn't get as much flack as I expected (hooray!), but that doesn't stop me from expecting it when we get busy with it! Aa and I will be deciding on some jobs that Punk and Pea can be taught to do and I'll be making a chore chart. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Anyone out there got some suggestions for jobs a 5.5 and 6.5 year old can do? They already help set the table, feed and water the dog, take the dog to the yard to do his thing, and put away their own laundry. They've also been helping me wipe down their bathroom and I think they are ready to have that handed over too. So, what do your kids do for chores?

Feeling Fraudy

2011-03-15T15:02:00.004-05:00

15 March 2011

(Editor's note: One of these days I'll quit apologizing for being such an infrequent visitor to my own blog. But, not today. I'm sorry I've been away so long again. It's just that I rarely sit at the computer with both hands free these days. And it's hard enough to IM one-handed, much less to type in an entire blog entry!)
So, our sweet little Pup has been home over a month now, but there are still times that I feel like a fraud. It washes over me sometimes when I'm just driving around with my thoughts and my baby in the backseat. A feeling that I'm just the babysitter. It's trivial and passes quickly when I have the littlest love of my life in my arms. But, I also feel fraudish when strangers begin to talk to me about my baby. They'll say things like, "Oh where did he get that curly hair!?!" or "My! How can you be so skinny so soon after giving birth?" They are well-intentioned and blissfully ignorant, but since they are strangers, I don't feel any reason to go into all the ins and outs of how Pup came to our family. So, I smile awkwardly and mumble my "thank yous" and feel like a fraud inside.

When Pea came home to us, it was obvious to everyone that she was not born of my loins. But, even though Pup is "browning up" some, the logical conclusion is that I birthed him. A friend pointed out (from her experience) that Pup looks a lot like AB, which makes the fact that I'm the chronologically second mom very obvious (to me, at least). And, somehow, being second chronologically can make one feel inferior in other ways too. Also, there are still legal t's to be crossed and i's to be dotted. Living in this limbo certainly contributes to the fraudy feelings.
People often say it's the relationship that matters more than the legal definition of it. And, 98% of the time, I do feel like I really am Pup's mama. Bonding is going well in both directions. But, there is something to that little piece of paper that will say he's all mine and I'm all his. I doubt I'll feel fraudish at all after that.

Anyway, I was glad my friend shared her experiences with me and let me know I'm not alone. And I thought that there might be someone reading this who would benefit from knowing the same. :)

BB is HOME!!!!!!!!!!

2011-02-23T07:44:00.005-06:00

23 February 2011

Hooray and praise the LORD! BB is home! Actually, he has been home almost 2 weeks now, but if you've ever had a newborn, you know why it has taken me so long to get the blog updated! For one thing, I had to get to know him a little bit so I could give him a proper blog-name. I have decided on Pup. So, from now on BB (baby boy) will be known as Pup here (and occasionally in the real world).

So, a lot has happened since the last time I was here. On the Sunday after the last post, I made a fool of myself (privately, thankfully!) getting angry at Aa for not being a good spiritual leader. It was absolutely ridiculous and humiliating. But, talking about it together did help our relationship. I told him that the Sanctus Real song "Lead Me" always makes me cry because I live in a tension between realizing that my husband is a super-star in this area in comparison to what many women have versus wishing for more of it. I likened my feelings to the high ropes course I worked on in college. I knew my equipment was strong and safe. I took good care of it, and I examined it each time before I took a group up. But, there was a different level of knowing that came the first moment of each time I led a group when I jumped off the course to demonstrate how reliable my harness really was. I told Aa I felt like our relationship (or his spiritual leadership) hadn't been tested like that in awhile. So, while I knew our relationship was strong and that he is a good spiritual leader, I didn't know it, if you know what I mean.

We had some laughs and tears and it really was a galvanizing moment for us. Good thing, too, because the very next day, the agency called again with another delay! Aa swooped in and began to fight for us. Our case worker, poor dear, had all the responsibility of relaying messages from the agency to us and vice versa, but no real power to change anything. But, she went to bat for us with the higher-ups and explained our position. The paperwork was finally cleared (actually, Aa had to track that down too, but that wasn't our agency's fault), but there was still an element of risk coming from the birth father. It's complicated why the placement was still being delayed, but suffice it to say, Aa dove in there and got things moving. (As an aside, we love our agency. We love what they do and the way they do it. Because of that, we have written them a letter explaining how we feel they let us down a bit during this time. We still recommend our agency, but, unfortunately, with a slight reservation.)

After some back and forth, the agency finally agreed to do the placement on Feb 10th. Every time the phone rang between then and when we arrived at the placement ceremony, my heart stopped. We had been disappointed and delayed so many times, I had trouble believing it was real this time.

We went down the day before the ceremony and Cynthia bent over backwards to make arrangements for the rest of the family to meet Pup for the first time almost as soon as we arrived in town. What sweet, sweet moments those were. Here's our first family photo. And, yes, Punk is pulling his new brother's hair. Game on.After visiting for about an hour, we grabbed dinner and then back to the hotel for bedtime. Unfortunately, Pea had a cold and kept us all up all night between her hacking coughs and snoring. Nonetheless, we were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when we arrived at the church for the ceremony at 11. While Aa and I signed sheaves of paperwork, AB (our birthmom) got to hang out with all three of our kids (and Cynthia, and the ICPs). Almost all Covenant Care's placements happen at their main office in Macon, but they made an exception for us and we met in Athens. This allowed a whole slew of people who usually don't get to see this part of the process to witness ours. So, we had our birthmom (unusual) and some representatives from the adoption support group from the church we were meeting in and a bunch of staff and a board member join us! The little church library was jam-packed, but there were really only two people (Pup and AB) that got any of my attention!
The ceremony was brief, but very meaningful. Afterward, AB gave me a small New Testament for Pup with a little inscription she had written in it. She told me she wanted her first gift to him to be a Bible. We also got some gifts from the ICPs, including a Georgia Bulldogs tee-shirt! The IC dad video-taped the whole thing and gave us a DVD of it on the spot! Pretty cool!

We got everyone bundled and all our things together and headed out. It was hard to grasp that we really had him! That he's ours (almost)! On the way home, I sat next to Pup and couldn't take my eyes off of him. I needed sleep so badly, but I couldn't close my eyes. I just wanted to watch his sweet face and drink him in. I had been carrying a weight of anxiety that was lifted, but it was replaced with a new, heavier weight. Like the radiation apron at the dentist's office, covering my heart. It was the weight of loving this little man. The weight of the gift we had been given by God and by AB.

It took us a very long time to get home. Who knew that it takes an hour to consume 4 oz of formula and get your diaper changed? When we finally got here, Dexter (our dog) went bananas. He was so happy to see us, he didn't even notice the covered car-seat carrier. But, when Pup began to squeak, boy, Dexter took on a whole new level of lunacy! For the first couple of days, any sound Pup made sent Dex into a frenzy. And, if we dared to let Pup cry for even an instant, Dexter seemed to beg us to do something for him. We began to think Dex thought Pup really was his puppy!Well, like I said, it's been the five of us for almost two weeks now. We're getting used to each other (Dexter included) and I've discovered I way overestimated myself! It's been six and a half years since we've had a newborn and I simply forgot how demanding he would be. But, precious, oh so precious. I can't get enough of him. Neither can Aa or the bigs. We're all in love, love, love.

Why Can't It Ever Be Easy?!

2011-01-26T18:18:00.007-06:00

26 January 2010

Well, friends, I've taken you this far on our adoption journey and I know a lot of you are invested in this right along with us. One of my friends even said she's never had such an intimate look into the heart of adoption. And that is what prompts me to share this post with you today.

The reality of adoption is that here we are again, facing a temporary set-back. I really don't want to go into all the details here, but, on Monday (the 24th) we were thinking we'd be having the placement ceremony (where we would take custody, but not a full adoption because there is still more paperwork to be done over the following months) on Thursday or Friday (27th or 28th) of this week. We were all very excited about the possibility of getting in the car on Wednesday to be with our BB. I had spent the morning buying BB's formula, bottles, and diapers since the trip was impending. Pea even made this drawing at school.It shows the four of us in our van (big purple circle around us), driving to get BB. The kids are wearing their seatbelts (black lines across them) and watching a movie (gumball machine in the middle). The flower next to me is the steering wheel. On the back it says: "I am gown (going) to have a babe (baby) and it is a bow (boy) his nam (name) is (BB) and he is gown (going) to be brown (he's bi-racial)." She even asked if she could read this to the class!

All of this joyful preparation was interrupted when I got a call last night saying there was another delay. To say I was disappointed barely scratches the surface. All the gleeful gathering of supplies I had done that day seemed a mockery to me.

It was about 5:10 PM when I answered the phone. When I hung up, I fell apart, sobbing from my very toenails on up. I expected Aa home any minute and wanted to pull myself together so he wouldn't walk into the house to discover the puddle that had formerly been his wife. But, as soon as I gained control, I thought about having to tell him and the torrents overtook me again. So, puddle he did find.

"What's wrong?"
"It's...(sob, sob)...nothing permanent...(sob, sob, sob)... It's just (sob) a delay (sob, sob, sob) but we can't go for BB (sob, sob) until (sob) next week." (Utter dissolution)

Having thoroughly besmirched his shirt, I began to tell him the details, well-laden with grief, anger, and disappointment. Feeling the same, he suggested we call back our case worker. She kindly repeated everything she'd told me, answered a few more questions, and complimented us on our sweet spirits. I told her she wouldn't have thought me sweet had she seen the tantrum that filled the space between phone calls. She smiled and then prayed with us and vowed to let us know when she heard any news.

After we hung up with her, I recalled a verse that came up in a Bible study I attended Monday morning. Isa 49:25b: "For I will contend with the one who contends with you, And I will save your sons." Now, that's an Old Testament verse and I think it needs to be illuminated by the New Testament. Eph 6:12: "For we are not fighting [contending] against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." My mama-bear proclivities rose to the surface and, boy, did I want to contend with powers of evil! But, mama bears have to tend the cubs already in the den, so I had to hold that thought and feed my hungry family.

Today I have had a lot of quiet time to think on all this. I even went to church this mid-day (they have been opening the sanctuary for prayer 11:30-1:30 every weekday) to pray. As I approached the throne of grace, I felt I ought to come contending. But, I found, I really don't know how to contend in the spirit. I'm sadly lacking in spiritual warfare prowess. All I could do was beg. And that seemed all wrong too. Quickly, I felt Him nudging me, whispering (and I don't mean audibly, just speaking to my heart), "Daughter, that verse you're clinging to... it says I will contend on your behalf. I will save your son."
"Oh. Well, then, what am I supposed to do?"
"Be still and know that I am God.* Remember who I am and what I've already done for you."
"But I'm afraid! This isn't just about me missing out on a few more days of holding BB. It isn't just about me missing out on his coos and the little ways he changes every day. This is about his DESTINY, God! His whole future is hanging in the balance here. This is BIG!"
"Yes, my child. It is. Do you remember a few weeks ago, in December, when you thought it looked like none of this would come to pass? Can you not trust me?"

There was soft worship music playing in the sanctuary and the lyrics were just extolling God. I felt a little abashed. "How could I forget? How could I forget who You are? I'm sorry. I get it. But I'm so weary. This has been almost 2 weeks of the most extreme emotions, from one end of the spectrum to the other, back and forth. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted."

"Come to me, weary woman, heavy-burdened, and I will give you rest.** Let me contend for you while you rest. You've borrowed many woes with your 'what-ifs.' Just stay in this moment, resting on My promises, My Word, My character."

"Oh yeah. I know I have spent many tears on things that may never happen. But, it's scary to think about never being allowed to hold my son again. Help me turn my thoughts to You, though, when they start to carry me away."

I sat there a while longer, just reminding myself who He is, and soaking in His presence. When I got home, there was a reply to an email I had sent the night before to AB's case worker for her to pass on to AB for us. My note said:

Dear AB,

I just wanted to touch base with you while these delays are going on. I know you are very disappointed. I know you know we are too. I don't mind telling you I wept another bucket of tears when I got the call that there would be a delay in getting to be with BB. We are so looking forward to being united as a family. But, I wanted to share with you a verse that is bringing me peace and hope. It is Isaiah 49:25b. It says, "For I will contend with the one who contends with you, And I will save your sons." I know that "the one who contends with you" is no person, but Satan and the forces of evil. God is fighting for what is good and right for BB; He will save our son. I'm confident of that. And, Aa and I are contending in the spiritual realm as well. Just wanted you to know we're disappointed but not discouraged.

Faith and hope to you,
R and Aa

The response said: "I called AB and read this to her....She was touched...I was touched....Traci (social work intern) was touched!!! God will Win!"

And that got me to thinking... During the hours I spent at the hospital with AB and BB, I prayed that God would woo her to Him, that all of this adoption experience would strengthen her relationship with Him, that He would continually reveal Himself to AB through BB's story. So, it occurred to me, that maybe, maybe that's what's going on here. This very well may be for God's glory. In fact, I know He will use it to bring glory to His name. And, that's good enough for me!

I have said that we gave BB the middle name Immanuel because we know that God has been with us (AB and BB included) through all of this. And, I have said that I believe BB's story will be told widely and that it will bring glory to God's name. So, why was I surprised that it got hard again?! Silly me!

Adoption is so close to God's heart, so integral to His plan, indeed to who He is as our Father, that we should just expect it to be opposed. We should just expect the roller coaster to dip a few times. But, the thing is, the dips are what makes the heights glorious. And, when we look back on this time, we will see that God did contend on our behalf and that He saved our son. It will be obvious that God did this thing, that no man or power of darkness can overcome Him. And He will get the glory. Amen.

(If you are concerned about the practical side of all this, we are now looking at doing the placement ceremony on Wed, Feb 2.)

*Ps. 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Pretty good stuff right there!
**Mat. 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Round Two--The Big Weekend

2011-01-18T18:38:00.009-06:00

18 January 2011 (well, that's when I started writing this, anyway!)

Have you ever been on a mission trip, or had any big event in your life, and had someone ask you, "How was it?" There's just no easy way to answer that question because there's soooooooo very much to tell and most of it can't be expressed in words. There's a lot of "you had to be there" mixed in with a lot of "I just can't explain it." So, I'll try to give you a reasonable, readable account of the weekend. But, just know, it's falling far short of the reality.

I left on Friday (Jan 14) in a flurry of activity because I had to check into the hospital's guest house by 10 o'clock and Aa had a meeting until 3. With a 6.5 hour drive and possible icy roads and the need to satisfy basic bodily functions, there simply wasn't a moment to spare. I took off flying, after filling up with gas! The roads were mostly clear with only a few scary spots. But, I had prayed that God would send angels to keep the car on the road, and even though I drove on some ice, I never felt the car slip one centimeter.

I made it just in time. The hospital's guest house is very economical, which means it isn't luxurious. But being so close was worth the sacrifice of amenities. I do wish I'd brought my own pillow along, though. I took a couple of Tylenol PMs and prayed myself to sleep.

My plan for Saturday morning was to be at the hospital at 7 for breakfast. AB (our birth mom) was scheduled to be induced at 7 and she was going to call me in when she was all hooked up to all the gadgets and ready to go. So, I set my alarm before going to bed Friday night. I needn't have bothered! I was awake long before it sounded. Apparently, adrenaline is stronger than TPM! Anyway, although I am not a morning person, I was easily able to keep to the plan.

About 8 AM, Cynthia, AB's case worker, called to tell me she was on her way in. She also informed me that AB had gone into labor on her own and had been contracting since 3 AM!!! Not only that, she had progressed to 4 cm when she came in this morning! I was thrilled to know that, even though the induction was a week ahead of the due date, her body was ready to do its thing--and that we might have a baby sooner than later.

Cynthia had another surprise for me. AB wasn't alone in the room as we had thought she would be. Her aunt (J) and 13 yr old cousin (D) were already there. I continued to wait for Cynthia so that we could go in together.

Cynthia arrived about 8:30, so we headed in. I hadn't seen AB in a month and this was only our second meeting. I gave her a big hug and handed her the gifts I had brought--a fleecy warm robe, woolly slipper-booties, and the box Aaron had made with a few more recent photos in it. She was very pleased--and cold! So, I helped her slip on the booties and the robe. Then I got to meet J and D, who were sitting off to the side. While all this gift-giving and introductions were going on, AB was having contractions every 5-6 minutes. But, no one seemed to be coaching her through them. Since I was right there during the gift-giving, I stepped in to coach. I had tried to prepare as best I could in the week leading up to the big day since I thought I would be the only one there. Throughout the entire labor, I was the only one who ever attempted to help (besides the nurses). I was very glad I had done my little bit of boning up!
Not long after we arrived, maybe 10 or so, the nurse checked AB's progress. She had dilated another 2 cms! Cynthia encouraged her that this would be the time to get the epidural so that she didn't get too far along. Now, AB has another child--a 22 month old girl--and the epidural procedure didn't go so smoothly the first time. So, she was very fearful about it. Everyone had to clear the room except for me (I am so grateful and in awe that I was the chosen one) and the nurse anesthetist came in. Poor soul. He was trying to talk to AB when a contraction hit. I asked him to hang on until it was over. He went on after that, but it was sorta down hill from there on. AB told him that she'd had a bad experience in the past. I think it made him even more nervous. He got her into position and started trying to get the needle between the vertebrae, but hers are very tightly joined. He struggled for probably 45 minutes, in two different places and finally got so upset that he sorta threw his instruments on the bed and raised his hands and said, "I give up."

AB was in a lot of pain from the contractions by this point and she was very afraid of going through the hardest parts of labor without the epidural. The nurse called the anesthesiologist (dr.) to come. When he showed up a few minutes later, he tried to talk her out of having the procedure. She was very upset. Cynthia had said before she left, "I'm all for epidurals for adoptions. There is enough pain involved that whatever we can get rid of, I feel we should." I also felt that AB was not confident and neither one of us was truly prepared to get her through without the epidural. So, I asked the doctor if he would try just one time, just once. He capitulated.

Now, almost the whole time the nurse anesthetist was trying, I was praying silently that God would open up the space in her vertebrae. And, most of that time, I felt an urge to pray out loud. But, I was embarrassed. I barely know the girl, although she does have faith, and I certainly didn't know the nurse or the anesthetist. But, with only one more try, I sucked it up, leaned into AB's ear and prayed, "Lord God, you can do this. Open up AB's vertebrae so that the needle can go in and she can get the help she needs to get through this." Then I helped her breathe through the contraction.

In no time at all, the dr. had the epidural in place. He said it was difficult, but compared with the nurse anesthetist, he made it look easy! And, as soon as it was in, AB said, "Oh, praise Jesus!" And we had a little moment of worship and thanks before the next contraction came on.

J and D came back into the room and then D's phone rang. It was "Granny." D rolled her eyes a lot while talking to her and J and AB seemed very surprised she had called. Then there was a tap on my shoulder. D held the phone out to me with a quizzical/worried look on her face, and said "She wants to talk to you." So, I got to talk to Granny a bit. Not knowing what to expect, but not getting good vibes from the ones who did, I took a positive stance. I told her she would be so proud of her girl who was doing such a great job. Granny said, "Well, she comes from good stock!" Hee hee! She was kind to me and said she was grateful for me and my family. Then she asked for D again. A few minutes later, she talked to AB. At one point in the conversation, I heard AB tell Granny, "You would love her if you met her. I know I made the right choice and that this is the right family." I was overwhelmed with gratitude to hear AB speak about me and my family that way.

After she got off the phone, she told me that Granny hadn't spoken to her since she found out "about all this." I asked if they had been close before, and she said, "Yeah. I think so." Then J said "Granny's just Granny." And that was the end of that.

Then, AB's best friend--a friend she's had for 14 years--came. She was very sweet and supportive. She brought a lightness and a happy atmosphere to the room. I wasn't sure how happy I should be around AB. Plus, I was pretty focused on making sure AB was comfortable and doing well. We'll call this friend K. I liked having K there. She made an effort to get to know me and also to make sure AB was doing well.

At about noon, I think, the epidural wasn't doing its job very well any more. So, the nurse came in and checked AB. She was now 8 cm! The contractions were monstrous on the monitor--tall, wide, and right on top of one another. AB was crying through the contractions and not handling them very well. So, the nurse called for the anesthetist to come back and give a boost (I forgot the technical term). After he left, she sort of giggled and said, "That's the biggest boost I've ever seen!" I think we sorta scared him the first time he saw us!

The nurse glanced back at the screen and said, "I'm just gonna check you again." Her face registered surprise and she said she could feel the baby's head! She said he had dropped about 5 cm since the last check about 20 minutes back! She called the OB and told AB that if she sat her up and AB started pushing, we'd have the baby before the dr. could arrive!

We all started buzzing, and the everyone pulled out their cell phones! The nurse was busy getting everything in place and minutes later, just after I'd asked how long the dr would take to arrive, he came in! He explained a few things, AB shifted positions, and everything began happening so fast! She was afraid she wouldn't be able to push because the giant boost had made her numb from her ribs to her toes. She couldn't feel a thing. And, she had pushed for 2 1/2 hours in her first delivery, so she was afraid because of that too. I was able to help calm her down and she did so wonderfully! Even without being able to feel, I think it was only five contractions later that his head was out! And then his body.

I began to sob with emotions I can't name even now. There is nothing like that moment in all the world. Nothing to compare it to. Nothing. I've never participated in any birth besides Punk's and it was very different being an observer. And, yet, not just an observer. The mother of the child too! My heart swelled and I lost my breath and I just heaved tears all over the place.

The cord was around his neck and there was meconium in the water, so I didn't get to cut the cord as planned. They whisked the baby to the side of the room and began working on him. Everyone else followed the baby, but I stayed with AB. After the placenta was out and she was a little more calm and comfortable, I left her side for just a moment to snap one quick photo of him.They were able to stabilize BB (Baby Boy, until I can gift him a blog name) and brought him over. AB held him first for a few minutes, then me. Someone else asked to hold him and he got passed around like a communion tray for a little while. Finally, the nurses said he needed to go to the nursery and I could come along. So I did. I really hope SOMEONE took care of AB while I was gone.

After they messed with my little boy for a while, and gave him his first bath, I was able to take him to a little room and give him his first feeding. It was a precious time. He is so very tiny. So, so, so tiny. After he ate, I took a few pictures of him. And then we went to AB's room and hung out with her for a while.I went to get some dinner and when I came back up the elevator, J was standing there waiting. There was another woman waiting also. I didn't want to make them miss the elevator, but I asked J, "How's she doing?"

She said, "She's fine. Just resting."

"Oh, okay, I'll see you later." And, we went our separate ways. When I got to AB's room, I mentioned having seen J.

She said, "Yeah, and that was my mother with her." I was shocked that J hadn't introduced us!

I said, "Oh, will she be coming back?"

"Yeah, they just went to get something to eat."

"Are you glad your mother is here?"

"Yeah, but she doesn't like this."

"Did she try to talk you out of it?" I realize looking back that this sounded to AB like I was concerned she might change her mind. I'm sorry for that because I was really asking a question more akin to "How's your heart? Do you need ministry?"

"No one can talk me out of this," she said defensively. "I know this is the right thing. I know all the facts. I know God has put all this together and no one can say any differently."

We talked a little about her relationship with her mom, but she wasn't very forthcoming. When J and L (AB's mom) came back, AB introduced us. She asked me to tell her mom about the baby's name and it's meaning. His middle name is Immanuel, which means "God with us." We chose it because we feel it is very clear that God has been with us--with this family, with AB, and with BB--through all of this. And, that He will continue to our constant companion.

We all three chatted a bit more, and took turns holding BB. I think it was good for L and even J and AB to see me with BB. I also think it was really good for L and J to see me continuing to care for AB and build relationship.

When I finally pulled away that night, I felt like I was suspended between two worlds--one of total and complete exhaustion and one of extreme emotion. Even though I took some more TPM, I slept restlessly. I woke up early Sunday morning trying to scheme ways to stay during the interim until the rest of the family could come and we could bring BB home. I phoned Aa at 6:30 AM begging to stay. In the end, we decided I should stay one more night. It seemed like a better transition for me to leave when the others were discharged from the hospital and I just wasn't ready to leave either AB or BB just yet. But, I really missed the rest of my family, and I knew they needed me too.

After breakfast Sunday morning, I was right on time for BB's first feeding of the morning. AB wasn't up yet, so I just held him and looked at him and loved him some more.L had spent the night with AB and was still there when I brought BB to her room. We all just hung out for a while. They were both really glad that I was able to stay another day, as was Cynthia. Cynthia had set an appointment with AB to sign the relinquishment papers at 4 PM Sunday. So, as the hours passed, AB started to draw into herself. I stuck around, but the focus changed from she and I spending time together to watching tv. I understand this natural defense mechanism, but I hadn't thought ahead to expect it, and I admit, it did hurt me a little bit.

L left mid-day, so AB and I were alone for a while leading up to the meeting. She never turned off the tv, but did decide to try to nap. I stayed nearby, with BB, and read a book. Around 3, I needed to change BB's diaper. He doesn't like that! So, he began to cry, and disturbed AB. When I had him all fixed up, she asked to hold him. At 3:45 Cynthia brought the interim care parents to meet us. The plan was to spend a few minutes together and then I would go with the baby and the ICPs to another room for awhile while Cynthia did the paperwork with AB. The ICPs were not what either AB nor I were expecting and they didn't go over well with AB, so Cynthia sent us on our way. But, before I left the room, I asked AB if I could hug her. She said yes, so I did. I said a few words to her and we cried a little bit, and then I left as Cynthia stepped back in.

I truly have never been in such a desperate situation that I have ever had to consider making such a choice as AB had made. I couldn't come close to comprehending what she must be feeling as she faced the moment of finalizing the adoption plan by relinquishing her rights to her son. As I walked out of that room, my heart was so heavy. I was pushing the rolling bassinet with BB in it, but not one of my thoughts was on him. My heart felt as heavy as lead but as fragile as the thinnest glass, and about 10 steps down the hall, I collapsed (emotionally) under the weight of it. I began to sob loudly and the ICPs turned around. The IC mother held me for a few moments while I collected myself (and the people in the room whose door I was in front of peeked out to see what was the matter). I continued to weep as we walked the corridor to the little room.

I wish this was an ideal world where adoption was unnecessary--on both sides of the coin. I wish babies were only born into situations where they would flourish and that every mother had all the myriad resources and support it takes to parent successfully. I wish that every mother who has those resources and support and who desires to parent could give birth to the children she longs for. But, that's not this world. And, adoption is necessary. And, I believe that this instance, this child, this birth mother, this adoptive family were all created for each other and that this is one of the cases where adoption is truly the best option for everyone. But, the fact of the matter remains, there is much grief woven into the picture--for AB, for BB, and for me.

When we sat down in the little room, I scooped up BB and kissed his precious face with sloppy, teary-wet kisses. And as I held him, I grieved for my son, for this moment in his one-day old life was not a happy one. Then I dried my tears and turned my attention to the ICPs and we chatted about the rest of my family and the rest of theirs. They took pictures of me and BB on their IPhones and we sent them home to Aa and the kiddinkidinks, along with a video of me and BB.

For my part, I liked the ICPs. They are a retired couple and she is quiet and sweet and nurturing and her presence is a soothing, peaceful one. He is a mountain of a man and his presence would overwhelm even a large room. But, he is obviously very loving also--even with his quirks.

After some time, Cynthia came in and said that J was with AB and that she was handling it well. She dismissed the ICPs and I took BB to the nursery. Then, Cynthia and I went out to dinner--the first time I had been off the hospital grounds since arriving Friday night. We talked about what happens from here on out, and made the 18-year plan of letters, photos, and visits. I told her about God's promise to exceed my expectations with this adoption and the many ways I saw Him fulfilling the promise. I told her that we will be pursuing foster-parenting as soon as we feel up to it (I'm thinking this will be a mostly-up-to-it feeling--100% may never come!). And, she enlightened me on a few things from her 16 years' experience working with birth mothers.

I relaxed back at the guest house for a little while, calling my husband, my mom, and my sister in turn to update them. Then, I went back up to the hospital to say goodnight. It was a very short visit, and slightly awkward. J was there, but she was very removed (emotionally). AB didn't seem to know what to say to me, nor I to her. So I just said good night to them both and to BB.

Monday morning came and I didn't know if it was too soon or too late. I hadn't slept well again but I was anxious to see BB and AB again. I was planning to leave at 11 AM and the hours til then seemed too short. The pediatrician had decided BB needed a bili-bed for his jaundice on Sunday, so we weren't supposed to be holding him on Monday, except to feed and change him. Well, how can a mother--either one of us--say good-bye to her baby while he's lying in a blue-lighted bassinet. It simply wasn't possible.The nurse came in to AB's room where we were both preparing to depart and told us that she understood the situation but that he really needed to be in the bed. In fact, he was being transferred to Pediatrics and would have to stay another night because he wasn't improving. She asked who would be staying with him. I said I needed to get home to the rest of my family, but that the agency had provided for an interim family to care for him, and that the IC mother would the one to stay the night. As the nurse was asking how to contact her, AB said, "I want to stay with him." I said, "Well, we need to talk with the social worker about that." So, AB called Cynthia and explained. She said she would come on over.

When she arrived, I took BB to the other little room to say good-bye. Cynthia said a few words to AB and then came to see me. I bawled, "Cynthia, I have some really ugly feelings about AB staying with BB tonight." She held me and said, "I know you do." I said, "I'm jealous and angry and fearful." So, she began to pray. When she finished, I thanked her and said, "I know there's no reason to be afraid. I know in my head that AB is solid in her decision and that she is not going to change her mind, but heart just can't seem to grasp it."

Cynthia said, "I can't convince your heart, but I can tell you that AB has never wavered, never so much as swayed since I first met her. And, I do not see this as movement on her part. She really hasn't had much time alone with BB and perhaps she needs that; perhaps this is God's way of meeting that need for her."

I said, "Okay, I can see that, but... All this time, I have been here with them, but when I leave, there is no one left to protect my interests and I can't convince my heart to be okay with that."

She squeezed me and said, "Oh, but there is. And He will never let you down. He knows better than us what is needed in this situation and He will take care of you and BB and AB."

"You're right," I said. "You're right. My heart can't grasp that now, but I think I can get there while I drive home."

I went on to explain that I thought that part of AB's wish to stay was born out of her dislike of the ICPs because her first impression had been askew. Cynthia said she would work on that.

I said good-bye to my tiny boy-o, checked out of the guest house, and started on my way. About an hour later, Cynthia called to say that she had talked with J and they felt AB should go home and rest. Would I pray that AB would do what was best for her? I said of course I would. Later I found out that AB had gone home and that the IC mother would be staying the night. And, that they redoubled the lights on BB so that he could recover quickly. I was glad the IC mother would be staying with him because I knew that she could bear to leave him in that funny contraption!As I drove home, I sensed my thoughts and emotions detaching a little from AB and BB and turning toward Aa, Punk, and Pea. For the last two hours of my drive, I just prayed and prayed (not solidly) that God would refill my completely drained cup so that I would have something to give my precious family when I arrived home. The kiddinkies were getting ready for bed and I had the sweet privilege of snuggling them while reading their books and then tucking them in. Once they were settled in bed, I practically sat on Aa's lap on the couch. I wanted as much of me to touch as much of him as possible. I felt like I had to soak him in, love and be loved by osmosis! We talked a little as we snuggled. I told him I felt as though I had spent every emotion and every emotional reserve I ever had. It was so good to just be, just be, together.

So, now we wait. All the paperwork has to be processed by both the state of GA where he was born and the state of NC where he will live. It was all sent to GA on Wednesday (overnight) and we have not yet heard whether they have passed it on to NC. Please keep praying for a smooth process and that our family will be together again soon.

Round Two--The Never-Ending Story

2011-01-12T13:45:00.007-06:00

12 January 2011

I guess I've been neglecting you blog-followers again. I'm so sorry. It's just that a lot has been going on here. I know, all the more reason to blog. But, it has been hard for me to sort out what to make public when. I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of gal, and that is certainly true in the realm of blathering (tending much more toward the "all" than the "nothing" even though the blog belies me). Anyhow, blah, blah, blah, this is not the reason you read this blog (if any of you still do). So, let's get to the heart of the matter, shall we? But, first, do you have a box of tissues handy? This is about to get emotional.

For about six months Aa and I have been considering that our home study would be expiring in January. If you've been reading for a long time, you remember that God gave me a promise that He would exceed my expectations about this adoption. However, Aa has had to take my word for that this very long time as God has not given him his own revelation. Granted, Aa felt that we were on the right track, that God led us to domestic adoption, etc., etc., etc. But, he was kinda living on bread alone (and the Word of God second-hand through me). So, this issue of renewing our home study (read "spending several hundred dollars more on this seemingly endless process") was a source of stress and even, I'll admit, division between us. I just couldn't see how we could let go of that promise from God (i.e., not renew our home study so we would be ready for anything) and he just couldn't see pouring more money into the adoption abyss. So, we prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray for us. And, we heard nothing.

Meanwhile, several friends had mentioned that we might look into foster parenting. Well, we always shut them down. I felt strongly that God's promise had to do with birth parents (one of the main reasons we chose domestic over international adoption this time around) and, frankly, I was afraid of the sort of birth parents I assumed we'd be dealing with in the foster system. I also thought there would be no way I could get these aching-for-an-infant hand around a bitty baby through the system. So, we politely said, "No, that's not for us." Until... I suppose their prayers tipped the balance of our fears and the window opened and we peeked in. We began asking questions to these fostering-touting friends and eventually called DSS to find out more from the horse's mouth. Funny how knowledge makes fears seem so silly! When we got our questions answered, we found that we could probably be pretty good foster parents after all!

So, on November 30 (see timeline to the right), a social worker from DSS came to our house and answered more questions and gave us reams of paperwork to fill out. After she left, Aa and I looked at each other and decided to go ahead and apply. BUT, there was still a hurdle for me, an emotional reining in. I had expected to feel definitely one way or the other about fostering after the meeting, but I didn't. I felt more like, "there's no reason not to" than excited or afraid. Still, I figured, we'll learn lots more at the classes we need to attend and maybe then the feelings will come.

Then, ninety minutes after the DSS sw left, I was driving to the school to pick up the kids and my phone rang. It was our adoption agency in GA. I was sure she was calling to tell me our paperwork was expiring and that we needed to make a decision about whether to renew or not. But, she told me she was actually calling because another birth mom had chosen our family for her baby! You could have knocked me over with a feather (except that the seat in the car is pretty supportive). It was the last thing I had expected. I think I had really given up on that route. Of course, I cried and sputtered and tried to take in the details of the situation. Then I called Aa and cried and sputtered and tried to tell him some of the details.

And, then, reality sunk in. Because of certain aspects of this situation, the adoption fees would be higher than we were anticipating. Plus, we would certainly have to renew our home study since the baby's due date was the same as our home study's expiration date! The financial pressure, right as Christmas was coming on full-steam, and just as Aa got himself a hernia that needed to be operated on right away, well, let's just say it was a little overwhelming. I'm usually the one who has all the faith in the world in financial things and I need Aa's realism to temper me. I was very afraid, though, that this time he would be wrong, that he would say, "We can't afford this; let's just pursue the foster thing." But, one day, he called me from work and said, "I would regret for the rest of my life if we passed up this opportunity just because of money. We'll make it happen. Whatever it takes, we'll make it happen." I'm crying again recounting this to you. And I just have to say on the public record that I know I am blessed beyond measure with this man of mine. There's no one else I'd rather have at the helm of my family.

Now that we had made our decision, Satan decided it was time to really mess things up. Our agency then called to tell us there may be a problem with getting our state to agree to our taking custody of the child. The baby is in what they call a "legal risk" situation where the birth father hasn't signed relinquishment and the courts will have to terminate rights in his absence after the birth. This means there is a window of opportunity for him to come forward and claim the baby and we would have to surrender him to the father. Another family from our state was having trouble over that issue and until it was resolved, we couldn't proceed with our match. So, we began to pray and we asked many others to pray, and I know that other family was praying and gathering others to pray.

It was touch-and-go for a few weeks, but finally the word came back that the other family had been approved and that we could go ahead with our plans to meet the birth mother on December 21st. My parents came to town for Christmas the weekend before that, so they took Punk and Pea to see a movie (in 3-D!!!) and to the indoor playground, while we traveled to GA and back in a day! As we drove up to the restaurant where we had planned to meet our birth mom and her case worker, the butterflies in my stomach took flight. Touch up the lipstick, stroke down the fly-away hairs, straighten the sweater, and... go! We walked in and two women were sitting there waiting, one middle-aged and one in her 20's with a darling baby bump. The latter woman stood up and came right to me with her arms open wide (oh, here comes an ugly cry--I'm glad y'all can't see me as I type this!). She wrapped herself around me in what can only be called an embrace and put her head on my chest and silently cried. She held on for what seemed like minutes. I have no idea how long it really was. But, if that was all that had happened that day, it would have been more than worth the 14 hours of driving. It was truly one of the most precious, salient moments of my life.

We wound up talking for almost two hours, during which all four of us shed tears. She seemed to fully grasp how hard it would be to live without this baby in her arms, while at the same time recognizing the hope she was giving him. She showed us ultra-sound pictures, and despite US pics being what they are, I can confidently say this is the gol-darndest cutest baby being born in 2011! We asked her how she came to choose adoption for her son and she said that she'd made an appointment at the abortion clinic. But, when she went in there, she just couldn't do it. She said, "I can't do this to this baby; it's not the baby's fault." So, thank you to all of you who pray for women who plan to have abortions. Our baby's is one life you've been instrumental in saving.

Also, she asked if I could be there for her while she labors and delivers the baby! I am so humbled and honored. I am very much looking forward to getting to know her better and to starting our relationship by serving her. No service could be sweeter to me. She is being induced THIS SATURDAY!!!! So, I am driving down Friday afternoon/evening so I'll be on hand in the morning. If you pray, please cover this incredible day (or two?!) in prayers.

Aa made this beautiful memory box for our birth mom. I'll give it to her this weekend before the birth. It's sized perfectly to hold the photos and letters we will send about the baby.
Now you're up to date! So, what happens next? Well, I'll have to come home and baby will go into interim care for about 10 days. Then, we'll go to GA, sign some papers, and bring our baby boy home! It's still hard for me to believe, even with the pack-n-play set up in our room and his drawers starting to fill with itty-bitty socks and such! It's been six and a half years since I've had a newborn!

Oh, and we haven't closed the door on fostering either. It's plain to us that God drove us in that direction for a reason. So, at some point, maybe as soon as the fall, we will go ahead and begin fostering as well!

And, I have a little homework for YOU! Birth mom and baby both need blog-names. Hit the "Comment" button to make suggestions! Thanks!

Hair stuff

2010-12-14T12:00:00.003-06:00

14 December 2010

I was having a conversation with Pea's teacher on Friday about her hair and it inspired me to record a few things here.

First of all, in the fall I put in yarn extensions, as usual. Well, it seems Pea has made friends with one of the lunchroom attendants--an African American man named Sam. When she showed up with her extensions, he commented how beautiful they were. Mrs. B (Pea's teacher) said, "Her mom put them in." To which Sam replied, "No way a white woman did that!" :) Can't ask for any higher praise than that!

So, last weekend it was time to take them out. Her hair was so beautiful! I could hardly believe how long and full it has gotten since she first came home. Anyway, we all loved the look of the "braid out" so I let her wear it that way to church Sunday and school Monday.

This first pic is a little blurry, sorry about that. I included it because it's a little truer to how her hair really looked than the second shot.

But, I couldn't figure out how to keep it looking like this. (If you know, please tell me!) Monday evening I put in some simple box twists. And, for a little festive flair, we added jingle bells to each one. I was worried about it being annoying. But, if you don't mind the sound of beads, you won't mind the bells. They are pretty quiet.

I really want to get her into microbraids that will become locs. But, since locs are permanent and all, I'm waiting till I can take her to a salon to have it done. It'll be a fun way to kick off 2011!

Christmas Card

2010-12-14T11:39:00.004-06:00

How I love Christmas! I love seeing the lights going up all over town. I love picking a tree and decorating it. Putting out the nativities. I love finding just the right gifts for family and friends. I love the growing pile of prettily wrapped things under the tree (or on the side table out of the dog's way!). I love the advent calendar my mom made when we were kids, baking the same cookies she baked, anticipating the arrival of family. I love celebrating the amazing birth of Jesus and all that it means. And, I love the scads of Christmas cards pouring in from everywhere!

This year, as with last year, though, we're not (gasp!) sending any Christmas cards out. Between this blog and FaceBook, I feel so connected to everyone, it seems redundant to write out a year-end summary letter and send out the obligatory family photos. So, here you go. Here is your Christmas card from us! Enjoy!

A New Perspective

2010-12-12T19:53:00.003-06:00

12 December 2010

I'm probably the last Christian on the planet to get this, but I'm excited about it, so bear with me. Our sermons this month our on the topic of belief, doubt, and unbelief. This morning we looked at the story in Mark 9:14-24.

		At the foot of the mountain they found a great crowd surrounding the other disciples, as some teachers of religious law were arguing with them.
		The crowd watched Jesus in awe as he came toward them, and then they ran to greet him.
		"What is all this arguing about?" he asked.
		One of the men in the crowd spoke up and said, "Teacher, I brought my son for you to heal him. He can't speak because he is possessed by an evil spirit that won't let him talk.
		And whenever this evil spirit seizes him, it throws him violently to the ground and makes him foam at the mouth and grind his teeth and become rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast out the evil spirit, but they couldn't do it."
		Jesus said to them, "You faithless people! How long must I be with you until you believe? How long must I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."
		So they brought the boy. But when the evil spirit saw Jesus, it threw the child into a violent convulsion, and he fell to the ground, writhing and foaming at the mouth.
		"How long has this been happening?" Jesus asked the boy's father. He replied, "Since he was very small.
		The evil spirit often makes him fall into the fire or into water, trying to kill him. Have mercy on us and help us. Do something if you can."
		"What do you mean, `If I can'?" Jesus asked. "Anything is possible if a person believes."
		The father instantly replied, "I do believe, but help me not to doubt!"

I don't know about you, but I've always felt like Jesus was a little ticked with everybody throughout this encounter. He seemed short, maybe even scornful. But this afternoon, as I meditated on this passage, I totally changed my mind. I'm not really even sure how I could have ever seen Jesus having even an edge of nastiness toward this desperate man.

Now, to be sure, he was probably a little edgy when he rebuked the people for being an "unbelieving generation." But, frankly, I don't think he was responding directly to the father who had just spoken to him. Nor do I think (now) that he was rebuking his own disciples. I think he was upset with religious folks who liked to stir up unbelief and arguments. This poor, desperate father came to the disciples seeking healing for his traumatized son. You can just hear the taunting and derision coming from the scribes before the disciples really even have a chance to petition God to heal him. No wonder Jesus was upset with them.

Later, with the son convulsing and seizing right beside them, the father pleads with Jesus, "But if you can, take pity on us and help us!" Picturing this scene in my mind, I see this father dissolving under the combined weight of his son's problem and his extreme disappointment. He has probably tried every doctor, every spiritist, every possible avenue of restoration for his son, all to no avail. I see him on one knee, weeping streams of tears down his cheeks as he describes to Jesus how his son's ailment has caused him to nearly kill himself more than once. And, when he asks for Jesus' pity, I simply can't see my Jesus responding in any other way.

As the camera in my mind shifts it's focus to Jesus, I see a depth of compassion in his eyes that this father has never seen in any healer's eyes before. I see my Lord's hand on this man's shoulder as he gently beckons him from doubt to belief, "If you can? All things are possible to him who believes." It's like he's saying, "I know you don't know me yet, but I love you with every cell in my body, and the same for your son. I can do this. Believe me, I can and will do this for you."

You know how I know that Jesus is not rebuking him, scoffing at him as I once thought? Well, first of all it just doesn't fit into Jesus' character. But, listen to the father's response: "Immediately the boy's father cried out and began saying, 'I do believe; help my unbelief.'" If Jesus had been anything but kind and gentle, I can't see this father throwing himself further into the encounter. He would have withdrawn, realizing he didn't have the kind of faith required. But, what really happened is that he threw himself further onto the mercy of Jesus. The mercy Jesus showed him encouraged him to ask for more help.

I wonder how often I've wrongly expected Jesus to be harsh with me when all he really had was compassion for me. I wonder what I've missed out on because I thought he would rebuke me instead of embrace me. Makes me kinda sad to think about that. But, one thing's for sure--I won't so easily make that mistake again!

Nightstands

2010-12-05T14:21:00.004-06:00

Aaron always has to have a project going. So, as soon as he finished the bookshelves, he started on the nightstands. He used the same mahogany and they turned out beautifully. The tops are particularly stunning--they seem to glow in the light. These photos don't do them justice.

Remember when I went to Uganda last February to help choose a village for our church to adopt? Well, we're sending another delegation in the fall to support the work going on there and Aaron would like to go! So, he's looking for ways to finance his trip. If you've always wanted a piece of custom furniture or a knick-knack box or anything made of wood, let us know and we'll see what we (or he!) can do in exchange for a donation toward his trip!

Competition

2010-11-07T13:08:00.003-06:00

7 November 2010

Punk participated in a Karate Tournament on Saturday. Earlier in the week, he told me, "I'm going for the gold!" I smiled and told him that was a fine goal, but there is a goal that's even better to strive for. "What about striving to do your best, Buddy? It doesn't matter so much whether you get the gold or silver medal, or even something else, as long as you know you did your best." There was a long pause while he considered this.

Me: "Will it be okay if you don't get the gold medal, Punk?"

Another long, long pause.

Punk, very quietly: "I don't know."

Me: "Hmm. Well, what's something you think I do very well?"

Punk: "I don't know." (Gee, thanks, kid!)

Pea: "I know! You're good at making dinner!"

Me: "Thanks, Pea. So, I'm very good at making dinner. And, I do my best to make things we all enjoy and to cook them well. But, sometimes it doesn't turn out how I wanted, even when I am trying my best. And, sometimes, not all of us end up liking what I cook. And, I bet we could find some people who are even better at cooking dinner than I am. But, that's okay with me, because I know that I do my best and my best is good enough for this family. I don't have to be perfect to make you all happy. And, I certainly don't have to be perfect for you all to love me!"

Well, Punk received that with a lot of thought. You could practically hear the gears churning. I don't think I'd quite convinced him, though.

On the morning of the tournament, we talked again about giving it his best shot, that this was the time to give it his all, but that we would be so pleased and proud of him no matter what medals he earned. He nodded, but I was still a little worried that if he didn't get gold or silver, there could be trouble.

The first round was katas (a choreographed series of punches, kicks, blocks, and turns). He did a fabulous job and earned the gold! So far, so good! The second round was battle bats (a precursor to sparring, to get the kids used to one-to-one "combat"). Now, I should say that he was practicing his kata practically non-stop for weeks leading up to the tournament. But, they only practiced battle a couple times in class, not at all at home. Unfortunately, Punk failed to score even one point in his battle bats matches, earning him fourth place (of four) and a "little bronze" medal. He was so upset, he cried and Aa had to take him out of the gym to help him through the disappointment. He made it through the rest of the tournament, but I couldn't get a smile or even a thumbs up out of him.

After the tournament, we went to McD's to celebrate. I asked for a chance to look at his medals up close. Frankly, I told him, I think the little bronze is the cooler one! For one thing the karate man pictured on it appears to be flying through the air, with his hair streaming in the breeze! And, it had a backside, a laurel wreath.

Me: Do you know what a laurel wreath symbolizes?

Punk: No...

Me: It symbolizes victory! For many, many years people have used these circles of laurel leaves to crown victors in wars and athletics.

Punk: Cool, can I see it again?

Later, in the car on the way home...

Punk: Mom, why are there only 10 glory leaves on my gold medal when there are 16 on the back of the little bronze?

Tee hee!

National Adoption Month

2010-11-07T12:07:00.003-06:00

7 November 2010

"Our understanding of Christianity cannot be better than our grasp of adoption."--JI Packer

November is National Adoption Month, so many of my friends and acquaintances in the adoption community have been acknowledging this by using one of the first photos of their adopted child(ren) as their profile pictures on FaceBook. Me included.I have crystal clear recollection of where I was and what was happening and how I felt when I first opened these pictures out of an email.For weeks after receiving them, I was proud to show the first three to my friends and family.But the fourth one, the full body picture, well, I found it disturbing. I could barely put into words how I felt about this photo. I didn't want to look at it and I didn't want to inflict it on others. I couldn't bear to think about the suffering that brought this 18-month old child to this place in her little life. My heart failed me when I considered the mother of this child and the events that led her to finally surrender her rights to this beautiful, delicate, tiny life that was her daughter.

Still today I want to scroll quickly past this picture. It's painful to look at. It hurts my heart to see it, much less think about it deeply.

But, I did have this picture as my FB profile for a couple days. And it hurt and I tried to always look past it until I couldn't stand it any more. But, one afternoon I was reading others' comments about it, so it was full screen. Pea came up to me and looked at the picture. I said, "Do you know who that is?" Her cheeks puckered slightly in that shy smile she gives when she is the center of attention. "That's me, when I was a baby." I said, "Yes it is." There was a long pause while she took in the photo and I watched her look at her former self.

"Mama? Why do I look like that?" A flood of possible interpretations flitted through my mind, so I asked, "What do you mean, Honey? Look like what?" "Sad. Why do I look so sad?" Tears are welling in my eyes as I write this just as they did that afternoon. I had to force my swollen heart out of my throat as I explained, "Well, Pea, when this picture was taken, you were very, very sick. And, you were in a new strange place. And, on top of all that, you didn't have a family just then. Your first mom knew that she couldn't keep you alive, so she brought you to this place so that you could find another family. And, we didn't know you yet. You weren't a part of our family yet." She nodded, but, though she's heard this many times before, I'm still not sure how much of it she understands. There was another pause as it sunk in.

I broke the silence. "That was one of the very first pictures I ever saw of you, Pea, before I knew you. Do you know how I felt when I saw that picture for the first time?" The corners of her mouth twitched a bit as that shy smile tried to overtake her again. "Love," she said. It wasn't a question. It was a sure statement. I gathered her up and said, "Yes, absolutely! I knew when I saw that picture, before I knew you, that I wanted you to be my daughter." We shared a smile. "How do you feel now?" I asked. "Do you still feel sad?" She smiled a real smile at me and said, "No. Now I'm happy!" And, having received another hug and kiss, she trotted off.

This morning at church, our message included the point that we can guard our hearts from discouragement and bitterness in part by remembering the fact of our adoption into God's family. It got me to thinking about those early pictures of Pea. I began to wonder if someone could have taken a photo of my spirit before adoption, what would I have looked like? Certainly scrawny and sick, but not nearly as beautiful as Pea was in her first pictures. Since the Bible says even our good deeds are like filthy rags to God, I can only imagine that I must have looked quite repulsive. But, somehow, He looked at me and loved me. Loved me more than I can even comprehend, passionately, devotedly, without reserve, wildly. Even now that I've been adopted and tasted that love, I still can't comprehend it. I don't even know the half of it.

It's amazing to look at Pea now and to consider what some good nutrition and love have done, and are doing for her. She's still developing, still struggling with the scars of wounds sustained before she could speak, still crippled by the early malnourishment, still overcoming deceptive thought patterns and lies Satan whispered to her in her vulnerability. She'll probably have "adoption issues" to one degree or another throughout her life. In some ways, her adoption will become more and more real to her over time.

I know that the nourishment of the word, the work of the Holy Spirit, the fellowship of God's family have certainly changed me. But there are still vestiges of the old life for me too. There's always the temptation to believe that I don't belong here. There's the temptation to believe that He doesn't really love me, that this adoption was somehow a less-than-best Plan B. There's a temptation to buck His parenting and try to take care of myself. They are ridiculous temptations when viewed from the proper perspective, but they are there nonetheless. They are the marks of my adoption and I think I'll probably struggle with them, to some degree, for the rest of my earthly life.

"Our understanding of Christianity cannot be better than our grasp of adoption."--JI Packer I, for one, still feel like I'm barely scratching the surface.

Pea's Anniversary

2010-10-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

28 October 2010

Monday was Pea's Third Anniversary! It really is hard to believe it's only been three years. The more I know her, the more I love her. She brings a balance to our family. Her sweet, gentle, loving spirit is the epitome of I Peter 3:4: "You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." It's precious to me too! I feel very strongly that this family needed this girl at least as much as the girl needed us. In fact, I'm convinced that *I* need this girl.

Many years ago a friend and mentor told me that children are a mirror given by God to show you what you are really like. I think that's very true in Punk's case. He is very like me and I see all my weakness is living color in him. And the strengths too. Pea, though, Pea often shows me what I should be, what I want to be.

Sunday our family went to one of the local schools in a poorer area of town and helped to remove vines from a chain-link fence. The kiddinkies were happy to help, sort of competing to see who could pull out the longest vine. But, soon, all the long, easy pieces were out. What remained were terribly tenacious vines that were impossibly wound around the fence. Pea got in there and patiently unwound them one at a time. It was painstaking work which required focus and dedication I've never seen in a five-year-old. She did it with a happy heart, no complaining, no taking breaks. I didn't have to cajole her into it, she just stood next to me and worked away. Her brother was goofing around nearby, but even that did not distract her from the task she had set herself to. I was humbled and amazed by her example.

I cannot imagine my family without her. I cannot imagine my life without her. Thank you, God, for bringing this light to our lives!

Final Cake for Class 2

2010-10-28T09:54:00.004-05:00

28 October 2010

Monday was the last session of my Wilton Flowers and Cake Design class. We packed four lessons into 3 sessions and managed to learn 9 types of flowers, plus the basketweave technique. Not bad. I love the roses and practiced bunches of them for my final cake. I also think the rosebuds are too sweet, so I made piles of them too.

Look at these beauties! I love the real roses that have the different colors at the edges of the petals--and look! I found a way to do the same with my frosting roses! They turned out better than I imagined.

I still need to practice a few of the other flowers to perfect my technique, but just knowing how to make them gives me a nice feeling of accomplishment.

Anyway, here's the completed final cake. I was rushing at the end, so the sides and borders aren't as nice as they could have been. But, the beautiful roses on top are nicely showcased!

First Day of School

2010-10-19T08:16:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was the kiddinkidinks' first day back at school after their 3-week "intersession" (they go to year-round school). I showed you all the great fall clothes I got for the kids--well, I made them wait for school to wear them. Pea was so excited about her "fancy outfit" and could barely wait for school to start up again so she could wear it! After I lotioned her up, she bee-lined right for it and had it on in a flash!

I think it looks great on her and suits her very well, but I would never have picked it in a million years! She told me this morning that her classmate Abigail said she liked it too! :)

Now, that the kids are back in school, my freedom has returned. Er, well, that is to say, at least I get to go through emissions testing alone! :)

Dreaming Again

2010-10-19T08:01:00.004-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I told you about the budding business idea Aa and I were hatching about a bakery. Well, I had my first order, to rave reviews (I really do think they were the best cupcakes I've ever made). My friend V ordered a dozen cupcakes as a birthday gift for our friend T. The party's theme was Black and White, so I went with dark chocolate cake with both dark chocolate (dyed black) and white "World's Best" frosting. I had some caramel frosting lying around, so for a special surprise, I injected some into the middle of each cake. Wow! I tell you, those were some mighty special cupcakes!

Here's the dozen I wound up giving V and T.

This is my favorite one. After the photo, I went in with a toothpick and removed the errant nonpareils. The "T" is made of chocolate. Mmmm.

All packaged up and ready to go!

And, since you can't see the label really well, here's another bad picture of it! ;) The symbol taking the place of the "o" in Hope is a West African symbol of hope.

So, if you or anyone you know are in need of a cake or cupcakes, please let me know!

Flowers, Part 2

2010-10-19T07:53:00.003-05:00

So, last week my Cake Class got cancelled, so last night we had to do a lesson and a half! It was fun, but I had some icing consistency issues. So, even those we learned the "Famous Wilton Rose" I tossed my examples. The icing was too soft, so the roses just splooched. Oh well. I'll make some to show you later this week. My violets didn't turn out so well either. Bummer.

But, here are the ones that I got to work!

The top row are rosebuds. I'm pretty happy with them, but I need more practice. They are such a sweet little flower! In the bottom row, left, are primroses. And the right are apple blossoms. All these seem to be very useable flowers.I thought maybe the details would show up better without the flash. Maybe.

So, next week will be the last session of this class already! And we have to do another "final cake." We'll also learn daffodills and lillies next week, along with the basketweave. Gonna be busy!

A-camping We Will Go

2010-10-19T07:22:00.007-05:00

Well, actually, we already went. And we had a splendid time. It is just so relaxing to kick back around picnic table next to tents and let your children run amok in the woods. :) We went with several other families and I am convinced that this is the way to camp (unless, of course, you are sans-children, and then the way to camp is in a B&B). The children entertain each other and take care of each other. They become a kinder, more caring Lord-of-the-Flies-esque band of wild ruffians, and somehow, this causes their behavior to be impeccable. No sibling squabbles, no complaints of boredom, no whining about the Wii. Bliss.

Here are a few snapshots of the good times (in almost completely random order).

Punk (still in his jammies) with a friend (who wore those clothes to bed) out for a (late) morning hike.Some of the gang walking the plank, er, boardwalk, er carnivorous plant walk.At the end of the carnivorous plant walk, the kids discovered this vine to swing on. We could have spent AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL day here, except that the adults were getting hungry!Another view of vine-swinging. Aa and a mom were helping organize the turns and the tree climbing aspect of the adventure. Safety first!Oooh! Look! A carnivorous plant! A venus flytrap, to be exact. The rangers told us that these plants only close 5-6 times in their lifespan and they exert quite a bit of energy to do so. So, teasing them to close is very rude because they get no nourishment for all their effort. Poor little carnivore.Some of the girls in one of the gang's main hangouts. They called this the "ditch" though it was more of a crater. See how little they look in there!Back to the CPW. Can't recall what they were looking at here.Dexter enjoyed his outdoor excursion too!BANANA BOAT!!!! Need I say more? We taught this family about banana boats and they shared the joys of mountain pies with us. Like I always say, food is the best part of camping!The wildlife in this park was breath-taking! ;)Yes, these children are roasting marshmallows. Yes, it's broad daylight. Actually, you can see from the shadows that it's still pretty early in the morning. Yes, morning. Yes, marshmallows. When will you people learn that the food is the best part of camping?! ;)And the results of such coal-mastery? Look at that face! Look at those hands! Yes, look at those hands! Goodness!

Yep, we're definitely doing this again!

A Nip in the Air

2010-10-05T19:33:00.003-05:00

5 October 2010

After a very long, hot summer, followed by 3-4 days of unending rain, we finally have a little nip in the air! Hooray for fall weather! Fall is my favorite season. I love pulling on a warm sweater and layering up. I love the warm colors, the pretty pumpkins, the yummy pumpkin pies and apple crisps. Autumn is just chock full of goodness.

But, this quick change in the weather made me take inventory of the kiddinkidinks' closets. Each of them had a few things for fall, but both were ready for a new fall/winter wardrobe. So, off to Once Upon a Child we went.

Punk, of my two kiddinkies, is the fashion plate. He loves getting new clothes, loves modeling them, loves mixing and matching them. So, he was thrilled to his toes when I told him where we were going. But, Pea was happy too.

Besides being into his style, Punk is also VERY into math. So, he was great about checking all the prices and making sure we all stayed within the limits I set for us at the beginning.

Here's everything we got for about $100! I was pretty proud of myself and my little bargain shoppers!

Here are Punk's finds:

6 long-sleeve tee-shirts

3 pairs of "athletic" pants

a fleece sweatsuit

a sweatshirt

two long-sleeve polos

a pair of jeans without a button

a pair of flannel polar bear pajamas

His favorite pieces are the "naughty monkey" tee-shirt because "It's so cute!", the maroon and grey sweatsuit because it is "cozy," and the green polo because it is so handsome. The flaming football shirt was another must-have for him because the flames actually sparkle, making this the only "fancy" piece in the lot!Pea's collection includes:

2 long-sleeve tee-shirts

a lycra blouse (!!!!)

a rock-star-esque tunic and legging combo

a pink hoodie dress (one of my faves)

2 pairs of jeans and a pair of fleece sweatpants

a zip-up sweatshirt

a suede and fur vest

cupcake pajamas

and a Disney princesses leotard

That makes 31 pieces all together. Not bad, not bad at all.

Dream a Little Dream With Me

2010-10-05T19:14:00.005-05:00

Last night I started the second series of Wilton Cake Dec classes--Flowers and Cake Design. The first session of each class seems to be a bit lame, but I did make three flowers. Two "button flowers" and a pansy. I put a quarter on one of the button flowers to give you an idea of scale.

So, that's not terribly exciting. BUT, what is a little exciting about this whole cake dec business is that I actually have some business! :) Aa has been saying my cakes and cookies are worth money and that I should start a little word-of-mouth business. And, well, my best friend in town has actually hired me for a small job! Woo hoo!

In the meantime, Aa and I have been dreaming a bit about the future of this baking business. He suggested that some portion of the proceeds go toward charity (ending the rampage of AIDS in Africa is a cause that runs in my veins). I like that idea. So, we've been batting around a few names for my bakery-that-is-not-yet. Our favorite idea so far is Sweet Hope Bakery. But, I'm hoping one of my faithful readers will suggest the winning name. So, get to work thinking of some good ones and leave a comment for me. If I pick your idea, I might just have to give you a prize or something!

Overlooked

2010-10-01T13:55:00.004-05:00

Ooops! It seems I left you hanging! Ironically, my dear husby who cannot bear to leave a project unfinished alerted me to the fact that I never revealed the final pictures of the mahogany built-in bookcases he made! Believe me, the tardyness is all on my shoulders!

Here is my very favorite detail of the whole project: The transition block. We had no idea how to transition from the current white base moulding into the new, mahogany one. Fortunately, one of Aa's woodworking mags gave us a clue and we gussied it up and voila! I'm a very exacting mistress (I suppose you'd have to see the original idea-maker to completely understand this), but I think the extra effort was well worth it (especially since all the efforty part of it fell to Aa).My next fave detail is the crown moulding. It's just scrumptious, isn't it? And the top is solid so when I get some gewgaws to go up there, they won't disappear!And, now the moment you've all been waiting for (for a couple months, evidently!). . . The big picture!

This leaves our happy little twosome in two different (but equally happy) places:

Him: Never one to be projectless, Aa has begun work on matching bedside tables (also mahogany) for our bedroom.

Her: Considering employment for the sole reason that I think that might mean I could afford to hire someone else to dust all those new horizontal surfaces. In the meantime, anyone want to trade their services for a cake?

TAAAAA-DAAAAA!!!!!!!!

2010-09-28T13:43:00.005-05:00

28 September 2010

Last night was the final installment of my Wilton Basics class. We learned how to put words on the cake and how to make ribbon roses. AND, we worked on our final-project-cakes. I must say, I'm pretty proud of mine. Considering I've taken merely 4 classes, I think I did pretty darn well. Here is the completed cake:

Now, I'll rewind and show you how I made it.

First of all, I had to make all these "drop flowers." They don't look how they're "supposed to" look, but I think they're awfully pretty. I only really needed 12 of each color, but I made extras for practice, and to compensate for breakage. They had to dry for 3-4 days in this humid climate we have here. As they dried, they darkened. When I made them, they were very pale and delicate in color--not any more!

I used my usual chocolate cake recipe, but swapped in Hershey's Special Dark cocoa powder. I really like the almost-black color, as well as the richer flavor. Mmmmmm. For filling, I made caramel icing by adding about 2/3 jar of Smucker's caramel ice cream topping to 1 to 1 1/2 cups "class recipe" frosting. It has an airy texture (probably from all the whipping! I added a little caramel at a time until I was pleased with the flavor) which is nice for a big thick ribbon of goodness in the middle of the cake.

Next, I iced the cake with class recipe frosting. I haven't smoothed it yet in this photo, but this is pretty much how I took it to class last night. Since you can barely see the ruler, I'll just tell you--this cake is 5 inches high! It's a TALL cake!

I had to pipe a "shell border" to place the drop flowers on. I was nervous about this because the shells I practiced in class didn't work too well. I thought it would be even harder to do them at the awkward angle required to get them on the cake. But, I was pleasantly surprised! I think it looks pretty darn good for a newbie!

I suppose I should confess that this isn't my own design. We had to choose one to mimic from the gallery in our class book. With Aa's help, I chose the most challenging design option. It uses 6 of the techniques we learned in class. It surely isn't perfect, but I'm not going to pick apart the problem areas. On the whole, I think it turned out quite well. And, I ate a half-a-slice earlier today--to die for! And, to me, that's what really counts!

This Monday--a new class--Flowers and Cake Design! Should be even more fun!

Monday Madness

2010-09-13T20:07:00.004-05:00

Mondays are a crazy day for me. I won't tell you all about it because I'm sure some of you have even crazier days.

Anyhow, I just got home from session 2 of my cake decorating class. This week we learned about "dimensional icing." Next week is flowers, which, I am sure, will be much more fun and impressive. Here is my cake showing the technique.

I need to work on my pressure control and not rushing it. And possibly my color choices. Although the real thing doesn't hurt my eyes the way the image on the screen does!

And here is the inside. I used America's Test Kitchen's Fluffy Yellow Cake and Wilton's Class Buttercream in Chocolate.

All in all, I think it turned out pretty good. And now I have most of a cake and piles of frosting in my fridge. Who's coming over? :)

Back to School

2010-09-08T12:26:00.003-05:00

Well, I guess you can't really call it "school." Perhaps "Back to Class" would be more appropriate.

I enrolled in a Wilton Method Basic Cake Decorating Class! Yay! Four weeks of learning the basics. It's a full class too. Week One's lesson was extremely basic--how to bake a cake, how to make frosting, and (finally something useful) how to make perfect little stars. Homework was to decorate six sugar cookies with stars. I honestly don't know what happened to the sixth cookie! It wasn't there when I went to do my homework today! So this will have to do...

Growing Up

2010-09-07T18:12:00.004-05:00

7 September 2010

I like to use this blog to keep track of Punk's and Pea's growth. To see them change right before our very eyes! :)

So, take a look at this!

Yep, Punk had his first visit from the Tooth Fairy! He was very proud and excited about it. The tooth had been wiggly for days and he was very careful about not using it to bite things. But, corn-on-the-cob is always the trick! I think we'll be coughing up another quarter soon--the one next to it is on it's way out, too.

As for Pea, Kindergarten has been a real turning-point for her. Especially in the area of self-confidence. For the nearly three years she's been home with us, her confidence has been lacking. It has been an issue of constant prayer for us, and I'm so gratified to see her blossoming in this area. For one thing, she's doing so much better in talking to adults, looking them in the face, speaking loud enough to be heard, and responding appropriately. But, it gets even better than that!

Last year in pre-K, Pea had weekly opportunities to share with her class at show-and-tell time. Usually she chose not to even bring anything, but on the occassions that she did, she would hide behind her teacher, whisper to her, and have the teacher share about whatever she'd brought. Last week, though, Pea was the "Letter Expert" for letter K. She had to stand before the class, show how to write the letter, capital and lower case, tell what sound it makes, show something she'd brought from home to remind everyone of the sound (a picture of kids!), and read a sentence starting with the letter K. I asked her teacher later how it went. This is what Pea's teacher had to say, "She did so well. She has really come out of her shell since she came back from her vacation. She participates a lot. We are really enjoying her." Yay! I'm proud as can be. Both of my little beans are growing up!

Rearranged

2010-09-07T17:33:00.005-05:00

7 September 2010

Early last week A said to me something about rearranging the furniture. I love to rearrange furniture. It makes everything feel fresh and new. But, I felt I had created the optimal arrangement when we first moved in. And moving one of our living spaces would mean moving three. A big job. So, I told him he should get out his beloved graph paper and map each room (formal living, dining, and family rooms), then cut out little movable squares and rectangles representing (to scale, of course) each piece of furniture so that I could see if it would work.

He provided what I asked for, so I played around with my paper house (think grown-up version of a cross between paper dolls and doll house!) for a few nights. I came up with a solution which I felt was less ideal than what we started with but would furnish (ahaha!) change.

So, we lured some friends over Saturday and fed them amply (ending with scratch-made Angel Food cake and chocolate whipped cream--nummmm!), then put them to work. Even with the meticulous planning stage, we still ran into a few problems, but they were good sports and we accomplished the goal. A helped me rearrange the art on Monday, but I would still like to do a little repainting (I'll show you where in the pics below), hang some more curtains, and add a couple of area rugs. In the meantime, though, we think this will work better for our family, and for our small group needs.

Here are the befores:

Looking from the kitchen into the dining area Looking toward the back door into the family room/great roomThe formal living roomAnd NOW...

This was the formal living and is now the family room. I hate that green paint under the chair rail. It doesn't look good with anything in there now! Grrrrrrr.Another look into the new family room. Obviously, we need to do something about the art on the wall to the left. A little spare!

One last look into this room. Nothing very exciting about this view!And here is the new long room! :) You can just see the edge of the flowered couch up close. This arrangement facillitates easier feeding/gathering of groups larger than 8.A nice private seating area if you need it, but never far from the action. I would like a little area rug in that corner. Maybe a round one? I love that my maps there to the left can be easily studied. There are some interesting things in those old maps!And looking back into the house from the back door, you can now see the flowered couch. Very easy to pull the dining chairs around after dinner for discussion. I would like to have a rug over there under the couch and coffee table. The "curtains" are a sari I picked up in India and have never been able to use before! The other window needs to be dressed somehow, though.

All in all, I think I like it. It has yet to be small-group tested, but it's working well for the family so far!

Seeing the Invisible

2010-09-07T17:29:00.003-05:00

7 September 2010

You owe this post to Facebook. Usually, you should blame FB for my lack of posts. I get lazy about posting here because I keep in touch a lot through FB. But, one reason I'm here today is because a friend warned me (through FB) that I was in danger of losing my entire readership through lack of posting. And, I'm here today also because I ran across the following quote on FB this morning and wanted to process it in writing.

"Only those who can see the invisible can achieve the impossible." from the eulogy of Ida Scudder, medical missionary to India.

At the end of last week, I was feeling miserable and ready to throw in the towel on this adoption process. I was ready to move on, enjoy the family I have and stop "wasting time" imagining the family I dream of. I was weary of hoping, weary of waiting. I was choosing to give audience to the rationale that a new baby would disturb our equilibrium and that adding a new birthfamily to the mix was even crazier. I was looking at all the items on the "con" side of the list, ignoring the "pros" and possibilities.

But, then Sunday. As an aside, I feel like "but then Sunday" could define a lot of the renewings in my life. Whatever you may say against church or Church, there's just something about it that recharges my batteries and realigns my vision and resets my thinking. I really wouldn't want to have to do without. Anyhow, this Sunday was one of those "but then" Sundays. I went to church discouraged, weary of hoping, as I said. At our church, there is always a time for people who need a personal touch from God to get prayed for. I rarely go up front during this time, but I did it this week. As it happened, Pastor Tim was the one who prayed for me. He prayed, but he also told me to just wait for his sermon. He would be addressing this very thing.

We're in a series about Joseph (the OT one) the choices he made and the effects they had on his life. This message was "Will you throw a fit when you're in the pit?" :) Joseph had his dreams about succeeding to higher position than his older brothers. In fact, his dad gave him a supervisory role over them. Hence, they hatched their plot to kill him. They revised their scheme, though, and threw Joe in a pit instead. So, Joe had some choices to make in the pit. How would he respond? Would he give up on his dreams? Curse God? Scheme right back against his brothers? Or, would he trust God with his dreams?

God gave us a dream about our family. We tasted a little bit of the dream back in May. But since then (and even before that to some extent), we've been hanging out in the pit, waiting for something to happen. And the longer we wait, the more unrealistic the dream seems. I'm sure that was true for Joseph too. I mean, his big move was from the pit into slavery. Sure looks like success is just around the corner!

The fact is for us that God seems a bit silent right now. He hasn't said "Quit. Move on. Enjoy your family of four and stop expecting more." But, it feels like He hasn't thrown us a bone since the disappointment of May. It's hard to deal with silence. I talked to a friend this afternoon who reminded me that we often say we want to know God's will when we really want to know His plans. Well, He has made His will abundantly clear in His Word. His plans, on the other hand, He reveals in tiny snatches, like the dreams He gave Joseph, or the promise He gave me. But, His silence doesn't invalidate His promise. And, like Joseph (and countless others), I can trust Him in spite of my circumstances. And, in spite of His silence.

So, I can see the invisible. He's shown it to me by faith. The end result probably won't end up looking the way I've pictured it. But, it will be good. It will be better than I expect. And it just might wind up being the biggest celebration of my life to date!

Gym Class Revisited

2010-07-14T12:03:00.003-05:00

Size does matter. I unscientifically proved it at my gym class this morning. You see, we had a substitute teacher. And she was approximately my size! Not quite, you realize, but much closer than the itty-bitty gal who normal teaches. And here's where it gets good--triumphant, you might even say--I kept up!!! I was still awkward, uncoordinated, and occassionally off-beat, but I could match her jumping-jack for jumping-jack instead of the usual 7 for 8. My jump-squats were perfectly timed to hers! Everything she did I could do at the same exact pace. I'm sorta embarrassed to say what a confidence-booster this really was for me, but since some of the rest of you have admitted to similar feelings as I expressed in the last post on this topic, I'll let you know--it felt good!!!

A "Job"

2010-07-11T21:03:00.005-05:00

I was commissioned for my first "job" on Friday. My very dear friend asked me to make two dozen cupcakes for a party on Monday. Confetti cupcakes, to be precise. Frosting up to me.

Not having a confetti cupcake recipe, nor even a white/yellow cake recipe to start with, I hit the internet. The first recipe I tried was a bust. The flavor was slightly off and the texture was waaaaaay off. Bummer.

So, my dear husby recommended I try the America's Test Kitchen website. I found a basic yellow cake recipe, conferred with Joy of Cooking to make sure a cake is a cake no matter what size pan you bake it in, and set to work on round two. The recipe was just complicated enough to make it worth the effort (if it's really no different from the dump-and-mix of a box, what's the point really?), and the effect was perfect-o!

On to the frosting. Good ol' World's Best Frosting never lets me down. It's perfect with everything and I simply adore it. Unfortunately, it's a secret recipe and so, sadly for you, I cannot publish it for all the world to see. You'll just have to make friends with me. And, of course, make me an offer I can't refuse. There are a select few out there who have wheedled it out of me.

But I digress. The party is a going-away send off for a staff member of our church. Somehow sunny yellow seemed the way to go (saying goodbye can be filled with mixed emotions, but cupcakes must always be happy). I was aiming for "smiley face yellow" (if you knew the guest of honor, you'd know there's really no other option) but landed somewhere in the range of Peep yellow instead. Oh well. Still cute. For the finishing touch (as Punk would say with flair), confetti cupcakes would be embarrassingly naked without sprinkles. Jimmies seemed too. . . childhood sundae, so I used nonpareils (had to check the spelling on that one) to bring the elegance up to adult standards (is that snickering I hear? Unfortunately, I cannot explain how I became a sprinkle-snob, nor how I came to the conclusion that teeny-tiny brightly-colored sugar balls are more adult than elongated brightly-colored sugar rods). I was pleasantly surprised to discover that using the decorators' tip created little ridges for the nonpareils to cling to. I only wish I had thought of it instead of stumbled upon it. Anyway, I think these little beauts are just the thing!

Oh, yes. I can give you the cake recipe, since it is already available for free on the wonderful world wide web!

America's Test Kitchen's Fluffy Yellow Layer Cake

Makes two 9-inch cake layers or 24 cupcakes
Nonstick cooking spray can be used for greasing the pans (proceed with flouring as directed). Bring all ingredients to room temperature before beginning.
Ingredients
2 1/2 cups cake flour , plus extra for dusting pans
1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon table salt
1 3/4 cups sugar (12 1/4 ounces)
10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter , melted and cooled slightly
1 cup buttermilk , room temperature
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
6 large egg yolks , room temperature
3 large egg whites , room temperature
1/4 cup rainbow jimmies, if making confetti cake

Instructions
1. Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 350 degrees. Grease two 9-inch-wide by 2-inch-high round cake pans and line bottoms with parchment paper. Grease paper rounds, dust pans with flour, and knock out excess. (Or, for cupcakes, simply line 24 wells in cupcake pans with paper or foil liners.)

2. Whisk flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and 1 1/2 cups sugar together in large bowl.

3. In 4-cup liquid measuring cup or medium bowl, whisk together melted butter, buttermilk, oil, vanilla, and yolks.

4. In clean bowl of stand mixer fitted with whisk attachment, beat egg whites at medium-high speed until foamy, about 30 seconds. With machine running, gradually add remaining 1/4 cup sugar; continue to beat until stiff peaks just form, 30 to 60 seconds (whites should hold peak but mixture should appear moist). (Just so you know, mine took FOREVER to become stiff peaks!) Transfer to bowl and set aside.

5. Add flour mixture to now-empty mixing bowl fitted with whisk attachment. With mixer running at low speed, gradually pour in butter mixture and mix until almost incorporated (a few streaks of dry flour will remain), about 15 seconds. Stop mixer and scrape whisk and sides of bowl. Return mixer to medium-low speed and beat until smooth and fully incorporated, 10 to 15 seconds.

6. Using rubber spatula, stir 1/3 of whites into batter to lighten, then add remaining whites (and jimmies, if using) and gently fold into batter until no white streaks remain. Divide batter evenly between prepared cake pans. (I had enough left for each of us to have a couple tasting spoons, but I think I could have filled the cavities a little bit more than I did and still come out alright.) Lightly tap pans against counter 2 or 3 times to dislodge any large air bubbles.

7. Bake until cake layers begin to pull away from sides of pans and toothpick inserted into center comes out clean, 20 to 22 minutes. (Somehow 20 minutes worked perfectly for my cupcakes too.) Cool cakes in pans on wire rack for 10 minutes. Loosen cakes from sides of pans with small knife, then invert onto greased wire rack and peel off parchment. Invert cakes again and cool completely on rack, about 1 1/2 hours. (Of course, if you're making cupcakes, simply lift them out--and they won't take as long to cool either.)

Retrospective--Part 5

2010-07-11T20:59:00.003-05:00

11 July 2010

I thought of one more thing... The kiddinkidinks won the lottery! To attend year-round school, that is. We got the letters on July 2. They gave us 5 calendar days to respond--no grace for the holiday weekend! Yipes! But, I talked to the school and they're really, truely in! They start classes at the new school on the 21st. Feels fast, but only because it was a surprise!

Retrospective, Part 4

2010-07-10T12:59:00.006-05:00

Finally, a sort of an update on our recent failed adoption and how I'm doing. Way back when (as you may recall) I began working on a purple quilt for Peapod. A is the kind of person who cannot rest until a project is completed. My mother is the kind of person who has a dozen works in progress at any given time. I sort of split the difference. I may have one or two projects going, but I have no inordinate compunction to complete them. In the case of Pea's Purple Piece, I had been waiting for a class in hand-quilting (ie--I sewed the pieces together by machine, but wanted to do the actual quilting by hand).

I took the class in April and began the work on the purple quilt in May. I took it along in the car on the way to GA to meet our potential birthmother to while away the hours of driving. I had worked on it a bit since getting home, but hadn't touched it in weeks. The other night I picked it up again and a flood of emotions overtook me. Emotions I didn't realize were there. Emotions I didn't realize were connected to my neglect of the hand-quilting.

This is a little difficult to put into words. I have turned a corner from dwelling on the disappointment and the previous situation to looking forward to a new first family and a new adoption. My thoughts have been more about what might be coming rather than what has passed. But, somehow, picking up that quilt again brought back all the weight of the emotions surrounding the last time I'd worked on it. The hope during the trip and disappointment that followed on its heels. While I was surprised to find those feelings hiding out in there, they weren't all that powerful and were easy to deal with. I guess you just never know what will bring up unresolved emotions.

I had planned on giving Siah the quilt for her birthday (she's seen it and knows it's hers, but I just thought that would be special). There's no way I'll get it done in time (5 days from now!), especially since I'm now considering appliqueing a butterfly or two on it as well!

Here's a few pictures of what I've been up to. The white "border" will be cut off--it's just extra room to work with. The idea is to start in the middle of the quilt and spiral outward. The hoop on the left in the photo is the area I'm working right now. It's very difficult to see any of the quilting in this overall view since the quilting thread is also purple.

Here's a little more detail. There are diagonal lines through the paisley borders, every two inches. And straight-ish, free-hand lines through the middles of the small bars. Some of the paler purples have free-form waves through them.

A good detail shot where you can see the stitches well. I'm really pleased with the dimensionality the quilting is providing.

I'll keep you updated on the quilt and the adoption as things progress!

Retrospective, Part 3

2010-07-10T12:58:00.001-05:00

Another event I've been meaning to write about happened at the gym a few weeks ago. I started attending a new class--Total Body Conditioning, 90 minutes of combined aerobics and weight-lifting (low weight, TONS of reps). I took a spot way in the back so as to be as inconspicuous as possible among the 30 other (much more fit) women and the token male. I spent the first half-hour of the class with my eyes glued to the instructor. But then my gaze was distracted by the sight of something long and white flailing in the mirror (three of the walls are covered in them--mirrors, not white flails). I have long ago realized that I completely lack grace, coordination, and rhythm (all requisites for an aerobics class and one among many reasons I haven't been in one in years and years), but I was nonetheless momentarily horrified to recognize that the apparation was my own arm, very much out of sync with the other jumping jackers in the room. As if being off-beat wasn't bad enough, my second rush of horror assaulted me when I realized I was entirely recognizable in the mirrors--anyone in any place in the room could see my face! My entire head stuck up above the crowd!

Now, I know I'm taller than most. I realize that I squat down a tish when I hug my enviably petite friends, but what is normal for me must be normal for the world, right? THEY are short, they are the anomolies, but I am only slightly above average. . . Right?! Like I said, we normally see ourselves alone in the mirror. Suddenly thrust into seeing myself in comparison with a crowd of women, I realized with a jolt that the "slightly" that I'd always clung to (the "slightly" that allowed me to resume wearing high heels after a decade hiatus) was a bit of an understatement. In fact, I saw that I was even taller than the token male.

It isn't that I abhor being tall. It isn't even that I wish I wasn't. It's more like I just didn't know how tall I really am! I knew about the inability to make my body conform to actions more complicated than walking (let's just say I'm not too interested in seeing myself walking in a mirror anytime soon either), but I was sincerely naive about the height issue. It doesn't actually bother me except that the whole inconspicuous thing is a bust.

I have continued to attend the class as faithfully as I can. And, each time I do I rehearse the mantra that it's okay for me to do my best, even if it looks ridiculous or pathetic in comparison to the other women in the class. I remind myself that not only were they naturally endowed with a sense of rhythm (but they probably can't blog very well and they don't know the secret ingredient to the World's Best Frosting), but they've been at this for a long time and know what to expect from the instructor. I'll get it too, someday. Okay, maybe that's still unrealistic, but I will get better. And doing what I can is soooo much better than sitting around doing nothing. And, what with all this great exercise, my legs can only look better and better in those high heels!

Retrospective, Part 2

2010-07-10T12:39:00.005-05:00

One day in June my mom called and said she and my dad would be arriving in 10 days. My mom usually comes to celebrate the kids' birthdays, so I knew they were coming sometime this summer. It was the first time my folks have been to our house here, so we were all super excited to have them come.

The 10 days elapsed quickly and we were happy to welcome them. We had a few things planned and most of them were better than expected. The famous Trolley Stop Hot Dog Stand (my dad is a hot dog officianado) was one of the only things that disappointed. My dad flies in sail planes as a hobby and was excited to try in a new location. One day he drove 3.5 hours each way for the experience, but it was well worth the trip. Also well worth the trip was Britt's Donuts. Oh my heavens! I'm not a really big donut fan, but these are like nothing else I've ever tasted. Wow.

We also had a birthday celebration with my folks. The kids requested blue frosting with green lettering. Although my mother complained this was an unappetizing color combination, no one had any trouble polishing it off! Chocolate cake with 3 layers of filling: 2 chocolate and 1 caramel. It was so decadent!

(Sorry the pics are in reverse order) This is the first time I've done this kind of lettering and edging. Turned out pretty well, I think!

My parents also brought gifts, of course. Punk got a Bionicle.Pea got a princess set.

And the whole family (all four of us have summer birthdays) got a Wii! We've been having lots of fun bowling and playing table tennis and basketball.

It was a good week and we were sad to see them go.

Retrospective, Part 1

2010-07-10T11:56:00.007-05:00

10 July 2010

Uh, sorry. So, there's this weird paradox about blogging. When nothing much is happening, there's plenty of time to write, but not much to say. When things are hopping, the bloggable material is copious, but there's no time to get it all in black and white. I'll try and hit some highlights for posterity, but I apologize that it won't be as good as if I had written it in real time.

The following three posts should bring you pretty much up to speed.

Our New Addition

2010-06-20T18:30:00.005-05:00

20 June 2010

We adopted a new family member this weekend! It was the quickest, easiest, cheapest adoption I've ever been a part of in any capacity! He's about 3 years old and his name is Dexter. He's black and brown and very hairy. And, he's a Poogle! At least that's what I think.
Poogles are a hybrid or designer dog, a cross between a poodle (standard in Dex's case, I think) and a beagle. He's a rescue dog who was originally listed as a Llasa Apso, but then re-listed as a Labradoodle (labrador x poodle hybrid). But, personally, I think both are wrong. He's definitely poodle and from his body shape and coloring, beagle is my guess.

I plan to take him to the vet tomorrow to find out for sure, and make sure he's in good general health (he seems awfully itchy...poor thing). I'm also curious for a guess on his age.

If you've been following for any length of time, you know that we've been coaxing Pea out of her shell since she joined our family two and half years ago. Dexter seems to be experiencing the same shyness. He's had a bit of a rough background, just like Pea (well, not the same issues exactly, but they both had their troubles as youngins). We're looking forward to seeing his real personality (or is that dogality?).

I've never been a big animal person, but someway, somehow, cute little Dex has wheedled his way straight to my heart. Who would have thought a person like me would have the family dog on the couch, and even in her bed?! It helps tremendously that he doesn't shed or drool, but still! He's one special poochy!

Evidence

2010-06-15T10:58:00.003-05:00

15 June 2010

Saturday evening, A and I had the opportunity to go to a leadership development event at our church. The speaker was Dr. Frank Harvey, our pastor's pastor, who also spoke at our regular church services Sunday morning. (What follows is a blend of what Dr. Harvey taught in all three messages and what I think about it. If you find any wrong thinking, it's mine!) He spoke about God's creative power in us. God is a creative God and since we bear His image, we are creative too. In His power, we can be a part of bringing into existence new things, things that haven't been seen or done before. But, in order to do that, we first must see the new thing. We have to see beyond what is to what can be, what will be, what God wants to bring into our reality. That's why God is a giver of visions, dreams--so that we can see what He wants to do.

A while back I blogged about the similarities between our journey of faith with the adoption and Abraham and Sarah's walking out their faith in God's promise to them. Pastor Frank brought up Abe and Sarah's story and how God gave Abe a vision of his descendants when He told him to look at the number of stars in the sky. It takes faith to believe that what God has shown you will become reality. In fact, Hebrews 11:13 says "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance." Before the promises were made reality, Abe and the others saw the truth and believed.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Now, I've heard this verse many, many times before, but I got to thinking about that word "evidence." Evidence is the proof of something that happened. Evidence is the result of something. Evidence in the courtroom is something left behind that tells the story of what happened, or it can be the testimony of an eye-witness. So, "evidence" of something that hasn't happened yet is a bit of an oxymoron. I think I may have even heard a movie line once to the effect that you can't prove what hasn't yet occurred (bonus points if someone can tell me where I got that!). It's like the very fact that He told me He was going to exceed my expectations regarding this next adoption, and I believed Him, is the proof that it will happen. Faith is the proof that what is not yet reality will someday come to pass. Kinda trippy, huh?

Other translations of Hebrews 11:1 relate the first part of the verse as "Faith is the substance of things hoped for..." Substance. Substance is observable. Touchable. Holdable. It has weight and reality. In fact the Greek word can be translated as "basis, foundation" or even "existence." Faith is the foundation of our hope. It sounds almost cyclical--we hope something God promised will come to be because we have faith. Our faith supports our hope and makes it real. Faith is the part of the promise that exists in our present reality. It's not some namby-pamby hope like "I hope it doesn't rain today." Not a wish. Not something left to chance. But a reality.

In my situation, I KNOW that God will come through. I don't know how I know. I don't have to work up the knowing. I just KNOW. He said it; He'll do it. He showed me what He could do and I know He'll do even better than that! I've never really had faith like this before. Maybe that's why I never really considered the faith-evidence oxymoron before. Just something I'm thinking through.

Gelli Baff

2010-06-14T19:40:00.004-05:00

We got a wonderful surprise from my sister and her husband (I have to get used to saying that now!) today. Gelli Baff ooey pink bath goo. (They picked it up in Montreal on their honeymoon.)

The kiddinkidinks couldn't wait to get it going. Slightly reminiscent of a high school chemistry experiment, there was a precise recipe and timing to follow. First you MEASURE the bath water (40 liters or 10.5 gallons). Then add the goo-powder, wait 2 minutes, and stir.Once it's all stirred in, you get in!It sticks to you in little globules that the kiddinkies described as being like ice cubes. I think they may have meant crushed ice, but I dipped my feet in and because it was warm, the ice analogy just didn't work on me.Poor Peapod. I didn't know how her hair would react to this goop, so I covered it in plastic wrap (wish I would have had a shower cap or swim cap lying around!) and told her to be careful not to get goo on it.

Punk, on the other hand, had free access and was thrilled with the opportunity to get more intimate with the glop.Look at it clinging to that short hair! And, it got in his ears! He said he was having trouble hearing! Wonder what it sounds like when you have bright pink globs of bath goo in your ears?Even with her restrictions, Pea certainly had a good time!And, then, Punk went for the whole enchilada--dipped his whole face in. Some got in his mouth and he really didn't like that (the box says it's okay, it'll just dissolve in your tummy), but c'est la vie.

In case you're wondering, there is dissolver included in the package. Add the magic disintegration powder and the globs melt/shrink away and the bright pink water goes right down the drain. A proper bath/shower followed. :)

Built-In Book Case

2010-06-13T15:12:00.003-05:00

13 June 2010

A year or more ago, A and I started exploring the idea of building new bookcases for the office/den/library in our home. I insisted that built-ins were the way to go and finally swayed him to my opinion. :) He bought piles of mahogany (both raw and plywood) and went to work. The building is nearing completion--only the baseboard remains--and finishing (no stain, just poly) will commence possibly tonight!

I just thought I'd give you a peek at the inbetween stage. Pardon the mess, things are a bit out of place right now!

Mourning

2010-05-30T19:12:00.003-05:00

30 May 2010

I mourned the loss of our adoption match a little more this morning. It just hit me, after days of being okay with it all, that we probably would have been leaving today or tomorrow to go get our son if nothing had changed. I wept and wept during the sermon. Then the verse that God gives us "joy instead of mourning" (Isa 61:3) came up and hope resurged. He has been so good, so kind, so comforting during this time of sadness for us. And, He just keeps reminding me of the promise and the hope. We keep giving Him this sadness, and He keeps pointing us to the joy that is just around the corner.

Just in case all this doesn't translate well in black and white, I'm not trying to point out that I'm some sort of super-spiritual saint who is sanctimoniously enduring this suffering for Jesus' sake. It's not that at all. I'm lost in wonder and mesmerized by the grace of the Shepherd leading us through this experience. Even in my past adoption disappointments (and other disappointments along the way), I've never had this sense of His closeness, His comfort, His promise, His involvement. I'm sharing because I'm surprised! I'm sharing because it's never been like this before. The disappointment and mourning are very, very real. But somehow, the hope is even more real. Somehow, for some reason I don't even know, this moment in time is one of the holiest I've ever known.

Ug. I don't feel like I'm conveying this well at all. If you haven't had this sort of God-experience, I'm not the one to explain it to you. All I can say is I'm falling way deeper in love with Him. The very same type of experience that threatened to drive me from Him in the past is driving me now deeper into love, deeper into hope, deeper into faith. But only because of His leading. I'm just following His cues. I don't know what changed, but I like it!

Truffles for Teachers

2010-05-30T14:21:00.004-05:00

30 May 2010

Do you remember when I found Bakerella and just had to make cupcake truffles even though I didn't have an evacuation route planned for them? Well, I later found out that she developed an even easier method for these little bites of cupcake heaven. So, I was thrilled that Pea's preschool days were ending and I had a reason to bake, complete with the evac plan! I picked up the extra supplies and went to work on Thursday. They turned out so cute AND yummy! (The blue top was Pea's choice!)

I also bought some gift boxes. . .

and pretty, coordinating ribbon. I even made a little "label" of sorts. It says "Handmade Cupcake Truffles. Transfer to an airtight container. Keep cool or refrigerate. Enjoy!"

Sometimes I daydream about running a little sweet-shop/bakery (but I'm too smart to think that I'd actually like that for very long). Still, dreaming up a name for it is kinda fun. And, if I had a good one, I could start using it on gift labels. So, got any cute ideas? While you think about it, I think I'll go hit the left-overs!

Vermin

2010-05-30T13:45:00.004-05:00

30 May 2010

During the almost two years that we have lived in NC, I have been afraid of running into a snake. I was beginning to feel more secure in that area until I came home from picking up Pea at preschool to find this guy lying on my threshold.

When I saw him, I jumped, danced, screamed, gagged, and otherwise made a fool of myself. Then, I calmly went back to the car and opened the garage door, shooing Pea in front of me dashed into the house via the garage.

I'm so glad that my front door is glass. First of all, so that I could get that lovely shot of my enemy for all of you without endangering myself. Second, so that I can check for him (and his friends) before I open the door ever again!

He has been identified (by me and my FB friends) as a rat snake. Which in my opinion sounds like a double-vermin. Fortunately, like most snakes in my area, they are physically harmless. Psychologically, though, it's a different story. Which brings me to my next tale of woe.

Three days after Ratty paid his visit, I was headed out to run errands. I locked the door and turned to walk to my car. That's when I heard the rustling like grocery bags. Then I saw it--sleek, black, hideous. Another, very different snake in the flower bed. Another, very similar dance-scream-gag sequence. Of course, I couldn't take my eyes off the horrible thing. It slithered up onto the porch, turned around and looked at me (I'm not kidding, it even stuck its head up about six inches off the ground), slithered under the porch bench (which gave me the opportunity to observe that it was at least 4 feet long, as verified by my husby, lest you think I exaggerate!) and over to the other flower bed. At this point I assumed I was out of reach and completed my mad dash to the car.

It has been about a week since the second snake sighting and I have quit looking between the sheets before getting into bed. But, I still loathe dark hallways and will not go into the dark garage without turning on the light.

So, you ought to be rather proud of me when I tell you that I was sitting here at my computer yesterday when I heard the rustling of grocery bags and didn't freak out. I calmly assumed that the air conditioning was blowing on the bag of craft goodies on the floor behind me. But, of course, I didn't explore. This afternoon, A pointed out that the register was closed. I watched over his shoulder while he picked up the bag. This is what he found.

Whatever that thing is, it was HUGE, as in at least an inch long (again, verified by the scientist I live with. Never mind that he's a nuclear engineer and not an entymologist or other kind of verminologist).

Why, oh why, are we OVERRUN with pests and vermin?! Makes me want to move back up north!!!! Now, who wants to come over?!

Photo Album

2010-05-27T12:03:00.007-05:00

27 May 2010
While we were away at my sister's wedding two weeks ago, our dear friends not only took great care of our kiddinkidinks, they also managed to snap some beautiful photos of them!

Pea's Graduation

2010-05-27T11:30:00.004-05:00

27 May 2010

Our little Princess Pea is now a proud preschool graduate! Every milestone she hits causes me to marvel at her progress. She's above level and ready for Kindergarten. She did very well in the ceremony, singing out loud and doing all the motions, even the one that looked like a slo-mo obscene gesture!

Here are some pics from her big day.With her teacher

A's Disappointment

2010-05-27T10:55:00.003-05:00

27 May 2010

So, we've been a one-car family since the summer of 2007. Since we moved here in the summer of 2008, we've talked about adding another car. But, through carpooling, and sharing the van, we've been able to make it work. Recently, though, it's been becoming more and more inconvenient. So, last week, A began to look for cars through Ebay, Craigslist, the classifieds, etc. We even got an "incentive letter" from a local dealership looking to sell off some of it's used cars.

But, all the leads A was finding were shady or troublesome in some other way. Finally, he found an Altima that seemed good. He called the owner and set up an appointment to see the car on Saturday afternoon. She would call Sat morning to confirm the time. Well, then she didn't call and her phone was turned off. A left a message and she called later in the evening. They set up an appointment for Sunday after church.

We went over there at the appointed time, but no one was there and the phone was off again. The Altima was parked outside, so we began to look it over. When we walked to the front of the car, we saw that the hood was tied down with rope! I said, "Do we really need to stay any longer?" A said no and we left. He told me that he had spoken with our friends this morning and that they had rushed home from church to meet the man who had bought the car they were selling. Both A and our friends were sorry that we didn't know about each other's situation earlier because that would have been a great deal.

Sunday afternoon we got a call from those friends--they're buyer never showed up! They offered us their bottom line deal on the car and we bought it! Isn't God awesome to set us up like that?! Later that night, A told me that he was getting very discouraged and disappointed with the car thing. Although the search had been brief, coming on the heels of our adoption disappointment, it was hard for him to feel like God wasn't coming through on this. But, then, He did! And it was awesome!

So, here's his new ride! A BMW, no less--ooh la la!

Karate Kiddinkidink

2010-05-20T18:26:00.005-05:00

Punk has been taking karate classes for several weeks now. On the day I found out our birth mom changed her mind, he was promoted from White Belt to White Belt with a Black Stripe. He promptly told us it was his eleventh class! His instructor told him that he was the first student she could remember to progress so quickly. He was very, very proud.

I brought the camera along tonight because it's very fun to watch the classes. Punk takes it very seriously and doesn't crack a smile ever during class time. Not even when I make faces at him from the parent's area!

Once a month they have sparring/battle bats night. The yellows and above practice sparring with each other and the whites and striped whites "fight" with foam bats. It's very funny to watch either group.

From this point on, Punk is wearing his helmet, so you'll have to keep a look out for that signature orange mohawk!I took this last one to show you how little he is! There are several other kindergarteners (not the ones in the front here), but Punk is the tiniest in class!

My Other Mother's Day Gift

2010-05-20T14:03:00.003-05:00

If you've been around here for a long, long time, you've heard me talk about my "kid rings." Similar to the idea of a wedding ring, they are a visible symbol of my love and commitment to each of my children.

Punk's birthstone is ruby. So, while we were expecting him, we bought an oval ruby ring from Ebay. After his birth, we had his first two names and birthdate engraved inside it.

While we were planning for Pea to join our family, we bought a pretty square ruby for her ring. When I took it to the jeweler to have it set, they told me it was too thin and they were afraid of breaking it. So, I sent it back and picked out a round ruby. I bought a setting for it, but then we moved to WI before I could have it set. The WI jeweler ruined that ruby (I'll spare you the details), so they got another one. After all that riggamarole, it just was never really what I wanted. Since I've lost a little weight, both rings have become a little lose on me. Rather than paying to size a ring I didn't really like, I came to realize that the best solution would be a simple diamond band to wear with Punk's ring. :)

When our tax return came back earlier this year, A and I went to the jewelry store to look at eternity bands. We picked out a nice 1/2 carat one, but wanted to check on-line for better prices. Then, A told me I could have a new one if I was able to come up with the money for it by selling the old ones. I quickly discovered there was no market for them and there was no way I could come up with the money. During one conversation about it, I got really angry at A for not understanding how much this meant to me. Sometimes he can cross the line into miserly and I just did not think he was being fair. This was back in March. I got over my anger and decided to just wait him out.

On Mother's Day, we were driving back from Atlanta and A seemed really anxious to get home. I thought he was worried about having time to unwind since he had to go back to work on Monday. Again, there were a few little misunderstandings, but we resolved them. When we got home, I fixed hot dogs for the kids and popcorn for us. Good holiday dinner! While I was slaving over the hot microwave, A appeared in the kitchen with his hands behind his back. He gave me some cards from him and the kids. Then he revealed a tiny dark green bag with a gold crest on it. "What is that?" I said. (I had requested rain boots and knew they wouldn't fit in there!) In the bag, I found a small box. In the box was a glittering diamond band--3/4 carats instead of the 1/2 that I had picked out! I have been proudly wearing it ever since!

Disappointment

2010-05-18T19:57:00.003-05:00

18 May 2010

Our birth mother changed her mind. She texted her case worker last week and has been incommunicado ever since. Under pressure from her family, she has elected to raise the baby after all. He'll be born by c-section tomorrow.

On the afternoon I received the call last week, I saw my fleecy pull-over lying on the floor of my bedroom. I wanted to put it on to comfort me, but it was a hot day. I thought, "I need to put on Jesus like a fleecy sweater." And, He has comforted me.

I'm still sad and tomorrow will be a hard day for me. But, I've had time to come to grips with it. Time to struggle with hope and to wrestle with what to pin my hope to. Sometimes I have fought in prayer for that baby to become mine against all odds. For obstacles to be placed in the way of this plan, just as they were placed in the way of the abortion attempts early in the pregnancy. I have prayed for the birth mom and her father (who demanded the change of direction). I have prayed that no matter what happens, no matter who ends up raising this child, that there would be zero regrets, zero resentment, and zero rejection. I wouldn't grieve for the mom and baby so much if I could be sure that they will live without those three Rs.

And, as trite as it sounds, I know that God will bring us a child and He will fulfill His promise to me (to exceed my expectations) in another way. At first I couldn't believe that. I was so certain that this child was the fulfillment of the promise. And, I do believe God meant that baby for our family. I don't really understand the interworkings of His sovereignty and our free will any more than anyone else does, but I can believe that God wanted that baby to come to our family and that human frailty caused it not to happen. I also believe that He can and will still fulfill that promise. The bar of my expectation has been raised a lot since He made the promise and even more since He allowed me to taste a fulfillment of it, but He is so much more than my mind can contain. He can blow my mind again. And again. And again. I don't know how He'll do it, but I KNOW He will.

When I first got the news, I didn't know what to hope for, what to believe for. Now I do. I just have to keep believing the promise He gave me. He showed me He's totally capable of exceeding my expectations. Somehow, that taste of His glory makes me even more sure that He is going to fulfill His promise. Though I am disappointed that this chapter is not ending the way we thought it would, somehow it has strengthened my faith. Somehow I can believe and hope better than I had been hoping and believing before we rode this section of the roller coaster.

I guess that's something of the mystery of faith.

A Miracle for Mother's Day

2010-05-10T14:44:00.003-05:00

May 10, 2010

On April 28th, I got a call from our adoption agency in Georgia. Although I knew it was our case worker Connie calling, she didn't sound happy or excited, so I expected bad news. Instead, she told me that a birth mother had chosen us as her baby's adoptive family! I was shocked. A large part of me thought this call would never come. I burst into happy tears and begged to be told some details.

When Connie said that the mother was African, my heart skipped a beat. When she went on to say that she is in fact Liberian, I sobbed, "No way! No way! Really? No way!" Connie asked if our daughter is also Liberian. I told her yes and she said she couldn't remember and the birth mom's case worker didn't say anything about it either. She believed that it wasn't in our profile since I was the only one making a big deal about it! After giving me some more details about the mother, Connie moved on to the father. He is also Liberian. I was crying so much that I couldn't see to write notes. I couldn't say anything. I was so overwhelmed. How could this be? How could this be?

I was on my way to pick up A anyway when the call came, so I waited to tell him until I could do it face-to-face. As I processed it all, I remembered a conversation I had with God in January. He told me He was preparing to exceed my expectations for this adoption and it's circumstances. Boy, did He do that! I was and still am just blown away by the idea that God would give us a Liberian baby through domestic adoption!

So, the birth mother wanted to meet us before the baby is born. Our only opportunity was this past weekend. So we drove 8 hours each way to meet her on Saturday. Punk and Pea stayed behind with friends. It was so sweet to meet her, even if it was a tad bit awkward. The meeting seemed to go very well and A is convinced she'll go through with the adoption plan. I'm still holding my breath just a little bit. We found out at the meeting that she did not realize that Pea was Liberian until the case workers told her about my reaction to finding out that they are Liberian! She was pleased to know that we are interested in the Liberian culture and learning more about it.

We haven't told Punk and Pea about any of this yet. A and I are traveling this weekend for my sister's wedding and after that we will start talking about the mom who is deciding whether she will give her baby to our family just like Pea's first mom did. No definites. No absolutes. Just that we have to start preparing for a baby because she might choose to have us adopt him.

Baby is due by planned c-section on May 19th. If all goes according to plan we should have our new son in our arms June 1st!

Adoption in the Media

2010-04-26T19:18:00.006-05:00

26 April 2010

In the course of my Facebooking today, I was directed to three articles. Two were directly about adoption and one included controversial statements by a celebrity regarding adoption. The first two are worth sharing because of their face value; the third because of the hackles it raises in me.

Just a nice little picture of me and my favorite adoptee!

First, from Christianity Today, an article about Christians' responsibility to orphans and some of the obstacles we face in trying to meet our responsibilities. It's quite short, but covers a lot of ground. I like that this article reveals ways we can be legitimately involved as individuals and as the local church body. I also like that it points out that adoption isn't always the best option for a specific child, but also that it "isn't in the best interest of abandoned children to grow up destitute and barely literate, regardless of the imagined cultural benefit of remaining in their home country." This happens to be one of the major battlegrounds in international adoption--the loss of culture, identify-factors, background, etc. that are inherent in international (and other types of transracial adoption) are real and need to be considered by all parties in the adoption triad. But, can these losses outweigh the loss of family, education, health, etc. if she were to stay in an institution (or on the street) in the country of her birth?

Second, an article from a Hope for Orpans newletter is, in part, about the reasons behind the recent abandonment of the Russian boy by his adoptive mother and the need to question our motivations when pursuing adoption. Sometimes our motives are more selfish than child-centered. The article points out that even a selfish desire to appear spiritual or generous or the hero "minimizes or dismisses the true needs of hurt children and doesn’t take the time to count the costs." And, that this sort of blind spot can lead to the sort of situation in which the Russian boy and his mother found themselves. But, the article goes on to reveal that many churches are stepping up to the plate to advocate for adoptions and orphans. Like the CT article above, this one shows how churches and individuals can and are making a difference for orphans, former orphans, and their families.

Finally, the article that got my blood rising concerns recent remarks by Jillian Michaels, The Biggest Loser trainer, in Women's Health magazine. She claims she will avoid pregnancy because "I can't handle doing that to my body." Obviously, that's a bad enough message to send out into the world. (The slight to women with body image issues--and who doesn't have those?--as well as women who would dearly love to get pregnant but can't is undeniably rude, not to mention painful.) But, she went on to say, "I'm going to adopt. ...when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself." Yuck! Just yuck! No child is "something" to rescue. And, adoption is not a rescue. The Hope for Orphans article said it nicely--while this sounds altruistic, it's not. It's actually the opposite.

In my experience, it has been those who realize that the adoption journey is difficult for everyone involved (first family, adoptive family, and adopted child), those who understand that love is not enough and that while all of us gain something through adoption, all of us also face losses--some of them heavy--who are best able to meet the needs of the children they adopt and to become family with them. Which brings to mind one more article I read last week from the New York Times. The last line put my heart in my throat.

Bwahahahahaha!!!!

2010-04-15T13:04:00.002-05:00

Punky came home with his school pics the other day. It's okay to laugh. We sure did!Needless to say, we aren't ordering any this year!

My Misadventure with the Meat Man

2010-04-13T19:00:00.003-05:00

It started with the doorbell ringing. A nice looking young man had parked his low-riding red pickup truck in my driveway. When I opened the door for him, he introduced himself as my "meat man." He is the head of the fleet of Empire Frozen Foods home delivery men for our area and he's here to solve all my meat buying issues forevermore. If I'll follow him out to his truck, he will show me the best meat I've ever seen and cut me a deal. He's just trying to get rid of what's left in his freezer and since I'm a new customer, he has the best deal in the world for me. He whips out his brochure and is talking so fast I can't keep up, much less read the brochure AND listen! This is such a fabulous deal. Not everyone gets this deal. I can just help him out by taking these last two cases--one of chicken, one of beef--off his hands, for the incredible price of buy the chicken, get the beef. How much is the case of chicken? Well, ma'am, my meat man and his company have surveyed all the local groceries, including the military commissary, and averaged their prices. This box of chicken alone would cost $299 at that price. But, he'll give me both boxes--the chicken and the beef, for that incredible price. What's more, my meat man will lock in that price for a year and I'll never pay more than that for 2 boxes of choice meat. Meanwhile, I'm trying to do some mental math. I'm used to buying meat at a per pound price, but his brochure is broken down per serving. Still, a little quick math and division gives me $5 per serving. Now, normally, I pay $2 per POUND for boneless skinless chicken breast like this. I MUST have messed up the math. There's obviously no comparison between $2 per POUND and $5 per SERVING. Plainly, there is a mistake somewhere. And, knowing I'm no mathematical genius, I assume I must have done something wrong. I continue to half-listen to the fast-hitting sales pitch while trying to wrap my math-challenge mind around this perplexities of this dichotomy. And I become so confounded that I give in. How did it happen? How did I succomb? I really don't know. At some undeterminable moment I became the meat man's favorite person: a sucker. So, I wrote out the check. "Now, there is some tax involved here too. So, if you could, just make that out for $318." Uh, okay. My meat man even offered to help me load it into the freezer. "I have a PhD in freezer packing." (I swear I didn't make that up. It's a direct quote.) Oh, and don't forget, there is the best guarantee in the business! And that guarantee lasts for a year from the purchase price! Yippee!

So, I pack the meat into the freezer, thinking it somehow looks rather sparse as I stuff it all into an oddly compact area. Three hundred (plus) dollars... hmm. Hours later when A came home I told him I may have done something stupid. He got out the brochure and did some figuring of his own. Via Excell. I kid you not. As a side note, if you'd like to be amused some day, pop on over and see what kind of wonders exist in our archive of Excell sheets! Anyway, turns out that "average of the grocers and commissary" would charge you $20 for a 16 oz striploin (I've never even heard of a striploin!). But, with the incredible deal my meat man gave me, it was a mere $10 for each of those steaks. Yikes. In all, here's what my sweet deal boiled down to: 21 lbs of beef plus 18.5 lbs of chicken (3 lbs of which was heavily breaded "tenders") for $318. For those of you who can't do mental math so swiftly either, that's roughly EIGHT dollars per pound! And that's the special first-timer BOGO deal! Yeow!!!!!

So, yeah. After Excell enlightened us, A was none too pleased. Thankfully, he wasn't mad at the poor sweet sucker who makes him cupcake truffles. He called my meat man and told him I wasn't "authorized to make that purchase" (Ooops. Good thing the sucker can laugh at herself and her man!). My meat man gave him the run-around, of course. It was past business hours, so my meat man suggested A give the big guns a call this morning. A had no less than FOUR conversations with the the honchos and two more with my meat man. Fortunately (and this was my idea) we were in control because we could just stop payment on the check. And then it was up to them to pick it up or "make a donation." They tried to get A to agree to $35/box restocking fees and all kinds of things. Thankfully, A is not the sucker his beloved is (and he was a little more prepared for these conversations) and stuck to his guns.

Finally, my meat man agreed to come pick it up at noon today. But, he wanted everything repacked and ready to go when he arrived. A told him I would help him repack it. In the end I figured I wanted to spend as little time with the meat man as possible, so I had it all packed up by 11:50. No meat man. 12:00 no meat man. 12:10 no meat man. 12:20 my meat man finally showed up and said, "Well, I didn't know you were going to leave it outside!" Sheesh. So, our check is back in our hands, our freezer is nice and roomy, I have heaps more experience, and I gave A a chance to be my hero! :) It's not very often a capable, intelligent woman like me needs rescuing, but I like it so much, I just might have to play the sucker more often!

My Heroine

2010-04-10T11:44:00.005-05:00

Oh my cuteness! I am in LOVE!!!!! With Bakerella. She has the most beautiful and/or cute ideas for baked goods on her website. I was so excited about her mini cupcakes, I went straight to work on them. My results are quite adorable, even though they are not quite up to her standard. Here are mine. And, yes, they are every bit as labor intensive as they look! Punk says, "Oh my gosh! These are the best cupcakes you have ever made, Mom!"

(For size reference, you should know this is a salad plate, not a dinner plate. They're about the size of a large truffle.)

Here are Bakerella's. I'm sure this wasn't her first attempt! :) I didn't bother with the sticks for my first attempt... well, except for these poor, bedragled tries. Blech. Of course, beauty is deceiving, because these little monsters are oh so delectable for the taste buds! A said, "These things melt in your mouth, Honey!" :)

You better believe I'll be trying this again some time soon! Oh, and if you want to give it a whirl, click here. And, be sure to tell me all about your Mini Cupcake Adventure!

Couldn't Help It

2010-04-06T14:59:00.002-05:00

So, Punk comes up to me and hands me a pair of his Lightening McQueen underpants. "I'm sorry, Mama. It was an accident," he says. "What happened?" I say calmly and cautiously, seeing nor feeling anything requiring me to freak out just yet. He retrieves them from my ginger grasp and hunts and hunts for something. These are not large underwear--they belong to a rather small and adorable pair of biscuits. Eventually, he finds it. And reveals it. It is a samll, thin patch of slightly chunky poop. "What happened?" I say again, setting aside the evidence and gathering up the penitent in my lap. "Well, I sorta forgot to wipe. And, then. . . sometimes. . . when I sit down, my underwear goes up into my butthole." I couldn't help it. I giggled. So matter-of-fact. Hee hee! I questioned him a bit further to ensure that everything was now as it should be and told him not to worry about it anymore. "I'll take care of it, honey." And then I got an anaconda hug.

Master Bathroom Makeover

2010-04-05T19:06:00.005-05:00

When we moved in our Master Bathroom looked like this.

We took down the horrid wallpaper and painted a peanut butter color, but did little else to improve the room.

It was finally time to give the little room some updates. First of all, we took out the shower door and opted for a curtain. And, we bought all new towels to coordinate. Then, A ripped into the wall between the bathtub and the shower and put in a new anti-scald valve. Now when the kiddinkies inevitably flush while I'm taking a shower, they won't have the pleasure of hearing me scream! :) Since we needed to paint again to cover the wall repair after the new valve was installed, I decided to give the area around the tub a new color. I love the changes and the fact that the blue reflects in the white tub makes me giggle!

Dying Easter Eggs

2010-04-04T14:29:00.003-05:00

We had a lot of fun together as a family dying Easter eggs yesterday. The kiddinkidinks did really well with being patient and often told us to put an egg back in the dye so it could get darker or brighter. Guess A and I aren't the only ones learning that particular virtue!

Can you tell which ones started out as brown eggs? They are some of my favorites!

Feeling Like Sarah

2010-04-03T16:10:00.004-05:00

Nope, there's still no news about our current adoption. Uuuugh. I had a friend ask, kindly, not long ago what had gone wrong. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing has happened at all. We've been waiting for a match since August and it feels like it's been a really long wait.

People often recommend other agencies or going the foster care route. We're not opposed to these, but we just don't feel that is the path God has called us to. It's so tempting to "widen the net" and I went so far as to do an afternoon of internet research on other possible agencies. But, it just feels wrong. I feel like we have the freedom to sign on with another agency, but it would not be an act of obedience. In fact, I feel like it would be the opposite--an "act of lack of faith" so to speak. A hit the nail on the head when he said it feels a bit like Abraham and Sarah--having the promise of a child and finding our own way to hurry the blessing into being. That didn't turn out so well for them in the long run.

I have no idea why it is taking so long for us. It's a tremendous act of faith to give up my jealousy when I hear of another family (sometimes even a family who wasn't trying to be matched!) receiving a match. It's a tremendous act of faith to stay here. To stay right where we are. To not back out and give up. To not get anxious and move in to areas God has not directed us to go. I doubt Abe and Sarah felt like God had a good reason for delaying their promised child. I doubt they even understood His reasons after Isaac arrived. When Abraham was walking his son up the mountain to sacrifice him, he probably was still wondering why God had made them wait so long for this child, especially since the plan was just to kill him young anyway. But, Abraham let the question remain and acted on faith instead. I guess we're not so unlike that. There are lots of questions without answers, but we have to go the direction of faith. So, no foster care, no changing or adding agencies, just staying the course and waiting. And hoping. And believing.

New Life in the Garden

2010-04-03T16:03:00.003-05:00

With a little design advice from my friend, Expert Gardener VW, A and I were able to transform our little front garden this weekend. We removed a few things, moved some things around and added a few things. It was fun to work together and we're both very pleased with the result.

Here's the before:

And the now:

I'll have to take some more pics later in the season when more things are blooming. It'll be even better!

What We've Been Up To

2010-03-25T19:10:00.005-05:00

25 March 2010

My husband and mother-in-law let me know I've been neglecting you, my dear readers. So, I don't have much to share, but what I have, I give to you.

First of all, I've been working on Elizabeth. I bought the new fabrics I needed and actually found one of the originals in the last store I visited! So, there are 27 different fabrics in this quilt! I've made the 24 Delectable Mountain blocks. Each of the 24 is unique--no two are exactly the same. After some little adjustments, they turned out awfully nicely! I'm pleased. These four are just a representation. But they may end up being the "chosen ones" that become the center of the finished quilt top!

The other tidbit I have for you is my dear Punky Punk showing his punkiest self! :) After seeing a friend proudly sporting his own "BA Barrachus" mohawk, Punk decided he could pull it off too! I actually really like it! It's very fun and makes people smile everywhere we go. He obviously has the attitude to pull it off!

Speaking of hair, Peapoddy will be getting her own spring makeover this week. It's Spring Break, so I'll have time to mess around. We'll be cutting loose the extensions, but who knows what style we'll end up with?! I'll be sure to post (in a timely manner!).

Elizabeth, Part I

2010-03-15T19:10:00.004-05:00

15 March 2010

I started a new quilt the other day. Well, I don't know if I can really call it "new." I bought the pattern and the fabric in WI. So, it's been sitting here for a while. It is comprised of two dozen different fabrics worked into Delectable Mountain squares, Sawtooth Star Squares, and Four-Patch squares. The Mountains and Stars mean there are a lot of triangles and points to be careful of. It's the most complicated quilt I've ever undertaken (not that there have been a lot, mind you). Just the cutting took a couple hours.

So, yesterday afternoon I sat down to start the sewing and I realized my first big oops of the project. See these 12 pale 6&7/8" squares? See the 48 pink triangles on top? Yeah, well, the 48 triangles are supposed to be 12 more matching-size squares! Ooops!

I don't have big enough scraps to fix my error with the same fabrics and since I bought them so long ago, I'm sure I'll never find the same ones again. So, I guess the fabric count just went from 24 to 28! Tomorrow morning will find me scouring the fabric shops around town for just four pinks that blend harmoniously into the color scheme. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to find the right shades and my blunder will become very obvious.

Wish me luck!

"What a Weekend" or "Monday, Monday"

2010-03-15T18:26:00.004-05:00

15 March 2010

You win some, you lose some.

I love, love, love the changing of seasons, but they always seem to come with a price--the weather-change cold. Bah. Mine started around Thursday and has been bugging me ever since.

One of the churches nearby our house has an annual Family Fun Fair and this weekend was the appointed time. We made plans to attend, but Saturday morning, Aaron found "ants" all over the wall and window near his side of the bed. Upon further investigation, we determined these were not ants but termites. Oh yay. And then we discovered that exterminators don't work weekends. We vaccuumed up as many as we could scare out of hiding. Unable to do more, we trucked off to the fair.

We had a fun time riding rides from the tame slides to the people dropper. Yes, they did allow my little Punk and Pea to be dropped from a height. Yes, they includes me. Now, I like me some rollercoaster fun, but I'd never tried one of those dropper things before. And, I never will again. It's not fun. We ate hotdogs and funnel cakes and made our deposits in the porta-johns. What could be more fun?

Then, to top it all off we went shoe shopping! Wahoo! Mini-shoe shopping, that is. It strikes me as strange that it is so difficult to find children's shoes for sale in this town. I don't get it. There are scads and scads of the little humans here and almost all of them have feet. It's odd, I tell you. I suppose I don't have to tell you now that I've told you that that we didn't find anything worth buying. By the time we headed home, I was hacking up a lung and had virtually lost my voice.

So, of course, cooking anything reasonable for dinner was out of the question. Usually I save this particular meal for times when A is out of town. However, I proposed it and he accepted. So, we all sat on the couch and watched "Fraggle Rock" together over two big bowls filled with freshly popped microwave popcorn topped with shredded cheese. It was lovely.

After tucking the kiddinkies into their beds, A and I watched "Vertigo." I've taken a shine to Hitchcock lately and this has been on our list for a while. It sure kept us guessing. I'm not sure whether I liked it or not....

Sunday morning I opted out of church. Having to talk to all my friends seemed like it would just do my sore throat in, plus I didn't want to spread my germs to each and all. I think the rest did me some good and while I'm not all better, I am improving.

So, the whole reason we were shoe shopping was because Pea is about ready to bust a toe out of her favorite shoes. This morning I thought about just throwing them away and making her wear her sneakers, which are less favored and so slightly less worn (how can they be sooooo hard on their poor shoes?!). But, deciding I didn't want a fight before school, I thought I'd let her wear them just one more day.

Forty-five minutes after dropping her off at preschool, I got a call, "Mrs. W, could you bring Pea another pair of shoes? One of the ones she was wearing broke. It can't be fixed. There's no way to make it stay on her foot now." "Yeah, sure, I'll be right over." I laughed to myself and sent the mommy-guilt packing. I suppose there can be no fight over trashing those shoes now!

The exterminator came over today to give an estimate. Eight hundred dollars to make sure every termite that might be in the house is dead. And that doesn't cover the damage they've done. Or we've done. Yipes. At least the estimator guy wasn't the tv-stereotype serviceman. He actually was pretty good-looking!

So, ups and downs, twists and turns. At least it wasn't boring!

Mailbox Monkeys

2010-03-13T17:36:00.003-06:00

13 March 2010

I looked out my front window this morning and what did I see?

Behold, a new creature--the mailbox monkey!

Sheep, Goats, Taxes, Bonuses, Raises

2010-03-09T18:47:00.004-06:00

Editor's Note: As I've told you before, I sometimes use this blog to "think out loud." Sometimes I wait to write until I've got things all sorted out (for the moment anyway, I'm only 33 after all), but sometimes I just have something fomenting and need to get it out of my brain and into a workable format, even if it is half-baked. This is the latter type of post. So, feel free to give feedback, but first give grace. Lots of it. Thanks.

Before I left for Uganda, I was asked to read "The Hole in Our Gospel" by Rich Stearns, president of World Vision US (a Christian global relief agency), in order to prepare for the trip (everyone on the team was, not just me!). I'll confess that I didn't finish it before we left. Smack in the middle there's a section with a lot of statistics and I got a little stuck up in that. But, I enjoyed and related to a lot of the beginning and thought maybe the end would be good too. So, I picked it back up again. The point of the book is that Jesus came for more than our personal salvation. He even came for more than that plus as an example of how to live. He proclaimed his own mission as including freeing prisoners and the oppressed. Rich asserts that that freedom, that social revolution, as it were, is actually part of the Gospel, as essential as personal salvation from sin and hell. But, we have largely forgotten, avoided, or misunderstood Jesus' intent on that.

So, the book covers a lot of biblical passages that deal with how we are to interact with the injustices that seem inherent in our world. That we're (you know, Christians) supposed to care for widows and orphans. Not only care for them, but actually defend them, plead their cases. Like, do something about their plight. Most of the biblical passages dealing with the poor and oppressed demand action.

Being a sort of black-and-white thinker, I tend toward extremes. I can be all-or-nothing. Which is one very good reason God gave me A. (Thank you, God!) It's hard for me to find balance in life. I read a book like this (or the Bible itself!) and I want to throw myself and my family off a cliff of voluntary poverty. I start rushing around in my mind trying to think of things we ought to be depriving ourselves of, hunting for items we could sell, axing categories of our budget, and feeling guilty about all the things we have and are able to do. Most of this is just mental (yes, I get the pun) and as soon as A gets a whiff of it, he tries to muddy it up with greyness. Reminding me that the Bible also says God gives us good gifts and that he even gives us some things for our enjoyment. Hedonist! (A, not God.)

As I was reading "The Hole" before Uganda, I got a little consumed with the "sheep and goats" passage. You know the one, it's nearing the end of his earthly ministry (which, as we've all heard from countless preachers, makes it of uber-importance), he says, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' the the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" (Mt. 25:31-40) Of course, Jesus goes on to say the opposite to the goats; they didn't come to his aid because they didn't aid "the least of these."

So, I got to thinking, black-and-white thinking of course, "So, then aren't we just paying other people to do this for us?" I mean, A and I give generously to organizations that help the poor and needy. We have a really soft place in our hearts for those living with HIV/AIDS and those orphaned by the disease and our money follows that compassion. But, aren't we really just paying people to be sheep for us? I have never handed an article of clothing to a naked person. I have very rarely handed a plate of food to a hungry person myself. I can't recall ever visiting anyone in prison (or even writing them letters) and haven't even been to many sickbeds other than those occupied by immediately family. So, have I done what Jesus requires? Does giving money to other people who are on the front lines qualify me for sheephood? At the end of the passage, Jesus says, "Then they [ie--the goats, those who didn't come to the aid of the needy] will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life." I mean that's serious! It's eschatological, for heaven's sake! I really, really needed to know whether our generosity made us sheep or goats. It plagued me.

A (and some other loving friends) pointed out that God judges us by our hearts. Okay, so, yeah, my heart is generous and I'm moved by real compassion and mercy. But those three aren't the only residents of my heart. Fear lives there too. And self-centeredness. And comfort. And separation between me and "them." Those are the tenants I fight with, but for now, they remain. If we're using the measure of "love your neighbor as yourself," I'd give myself a D at best and only if I was grading on a curve. Love? Love? Really, love? How can I love someone I've never met? I loved both of my children before I met them, but that's different. I'd feel like a fool and a hypocrite if I said, "I love poor people. I love AIDS orphans and widows. I love them." I don't. Not enough to fight for them. But, if I'm being generous with myself, I can admit that I do love them enough to sacrifice a higher standard of living (while at the same time recognizing that my "normal" American lifestyle is among the richest in the world) for them, for like half a dozen of them.

Enough. Enough, enough, enough. How could it ever be enough? I feel that I could consign my family to voluntary poverty and give away all the "extra" money we would have and it still would never feel like enough. The problem is sooooo huge and even if we gave 10, 100, 1000 times what we do now, how would it even make a dent in the problem. Besides the fact that money doesn't solve poverty, consigning myself and my family to voluntary poverty still wouldn't put us face to face with genuine need. My stupid-human ideas of "enough" will never answer the sheep-or-goat question.

But, I think I went to Uganda because God knew this question would be brooding in my heart, that this storm cloud would be darkening my mind. I had to meet some "least of theses." I had to look them in the eye. I had to find out if I could love them, if I did love them. I had to hold them on my lap and hear their giggles. I had to hear their stories while I looked into their eyes. I had to find out what was motivating my generosity. I had to find out, in Uganda, among the naked, hungry, thirsty, strangers, sickly, and imprisoned whether I have a sheep-heart or a goat-heart. Of course, Jesus will be the Judge, and he and I both know there's more to be done, but I feel much more sheepish now.

So, when I got home from Uganda and I told A that we were going to adopt a slum in Kampala, he told me that he knew God was going to give us an additional investment. And then A told me that God was also giving us additional capital! Our tax return is huge, he got two more bonuses from work, and a raise. That's more (like way more) than enough to adopt Nateete, so we'll tuck most of it away in savings until we know what to do with it. And, yes, we're spending some on ourselves and our family. But, when I read in "The Hole" today the following passage from Deut. 8:10-18, my heart went, "YES!" "When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God. . . Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. . . You may say to yourself, 'My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.' But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who give you the ability to produce wealth." I felt that God was saying, "It's good. Your hearts are in the right place. Keep remembering where your wealth came from and keep stewarding it well. You are doing what I've asked of you." And my heart cries out in response, "But, who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? Everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your hand." (I Chron 29:14)

So, I guess maybe, if you're careful about your heart and DO go once in a while, you can be a sheep who pays other people to be sheep too.

Hello Stranger!

2010-03-09T18:28:00.003-06:00

Three cheers for Spring! We're so glad to see you! We understand that you can't stay, but we're happy you came to play today!

Remember we planted some trees last Spring? Well, here's one of them being all glorious for us! Yay! I'm thinking that's called an Okame Cherry Tree. It's planted right outside one of our bedroom windows. And next year it'll be even bigger and lovelier!Last Spring we bought Punk a big-boy-bike and it only seemed right to get the little sister off the trike and onto a big-girl-bike this year! She's caught on to the pedaling action and is doing great!

So, Spring, if you can hear me, please come to stay very soon!

Thinking About Uganda (text only)

2010-03-07T18:35:00.002-06:00

(Editor's Note: Since the original Thinking About Uganda post is messed up, I'm reposting just the text here in the hopes that you can at least read it now! Sorry about the mess. I don't know what else to do about it.)

2 March 2010

We were only gone for 12 days, and only 10 of them were "real" (ie, not traveling), but I feel like I was in Uganda a month. We packed so much in to every day, went so many places, met so many people, saw so many incredible things. For those same reasons, it's difficult for me to know how to talk to people about the trip, in person, or here on my blog. You've already read the team accounts, so I'll try to tell a few of the more personal stories.

First of all, the village we ended up choosing was Lajwatek. Many of the best stories come from Lajwatek, which may have something to with why we chose it. After we had visited the four possible sites for adoption (Lugutu, Piqwini, Lajwatek, and Ungai), we sat down, just the six of us from LCC, over dinner for discussion. Tim asked us each in turn to tell which village we felt God was pointing out to us. As we took our turns, each of us felt drawn to Lajwatek. God was already at work there, having raised Esther from the dead (I'll tell you the whole story in a moment!), and 40 people already professed faith. They were meeting in two mid-week cell groups and walking some 7 miles on sunday to attend church at the Farm.

Also, we saw that the people were taking initiative to imporve their lives. One result of the war is that many people lived in Internally Displaced Peoples camps for years or decades to escape the rebels. People were not allowed to work while they were at the IDPs and food, clothing, their basic needs, were supplied through handouts. Those who participated in the rebel army (against their will) were "provided for" through plundering. So, the techniques of farming, building, etc. were not taught to the younger generation and the work ethic was all but obliterated as well. What we saw in Lajwatek surprised us. The men delivered a load of bricks to a widow's property on Wednesday. When we returned all together on Friday so that we girls could see Lajwatek for ourselves, the house was built and Jessica, the widow, was out gathering thatch for her roof. While we were inspecting the house (which was well done), a man appeared. He said, "I heard that the church was helping here and I had to come see for myself." Many organizations, as well as the government, have made promises of aid, but few deliver. Fewer still help in ways that empower the people toward self-sustainability. Somehow, that moment, that turn of phrase, "I had to come see for myself," struck us all as being something biblical. It wasn't the first--or last--time we had the feeling we were part of something very close to what God meant for His people all along.

Photo: Jessica's house, in progress. The walls will be smeared with mud/mortar inside and out. A center pole will hold up the roof and the thatch will be applied.

Another thing that drew us all to Lajwatek was the need. Now, there's need everywhere you look. There isn't a person we met in Uganda who wasn't poorer than us. Not a person who couldn't benefit from something SOI was doing. Not a village that didn't need development. And, Lajwatek probably isn't really "needier" than the other places we visited. After all, they walk to the SOI Farm where there are wells and food and the Gospel. It's anywhere from about 4 to 14 miles to walk, but it's accessible. There is a government school nearby for those that can afford to send their children. They'd need to walk only 1-10 miles to get there. There is a well in the village, put in by the government, but it's too shallow and it's dried up, no good to anyone now. So, the people resort to natural water sources. Like this.

Photo: The main water source for Lajwatek. We saw bugs and tadpoles in there.

There was also an emotional pull to Lajwatek. That day we went to see the house, we drove into the area and stopped the van next to a mudpit where young boys (ages 7-9, I'd guess) were mixing and molding bricks. Other children appeared as we walked over to Jessica's house, some of them hers. It's very common to see little knots of children without adults (it's also very normal to see knots of men or of women without children, too). Those who aren't in school, because of age or poverty, wander around during the day, taking care of themselves and each other. There's almost always and "older" (like 7-11 years old) kid in this group, usually a girl, carrying a baby on her back, her sister or brother. The mothers are typically working in fields/gardens, toting water, or, like Jessica, gathering thatch or other supplies.

On this day, there were at least two babies in the group. One little girl was carrying her sister in her arms (instead of on her back) so I bent down and held my hands out to her and asked if I could hold her baby. I don't know if she understood my words or just the gesture, but she timidly allowed me to cradle the baby. I held that baby as we walked a few yards (big sis at my heel) to Jessica's house. I held her as we talked to the "I had to see" man (it was actually about a 20-30 minute conversation as Aloysius, head of SOI in Gulu, interviewed the man about himself and the village). I held her as we looked at the house Jessica was building, and the remains of the house that had been destroyed in the war. I held her as we walked back down the path that led past the van to the waterhole.

Photo: Big Sis, the baby, and me. The boy on the right was one who was making bricks...until we showed up!

I wasn't sure the girl was going to the water source with us, so I gave the baby back at that point. I should have known the girl would want to come with us. Mzungus ("Whites") are a major source of entertainment and excitement. Not long after we arrived at the swamp, I saw Big Sis, but without the baby. Later, back at the van, I asked Aloysius what happens to these little babies when their moms are out working. Do the siblings take them to the moms to nurse? I almost wish I hadn't asked. It was the one time during the whole trip that I cried. And I couldn't stop. Aloysius said, "No, the children do the best they can, but when the baby cries, they put it in the hut and let it cry until it gives up."

Now, it's bad enough to consider a baby crying from hunger, alone in a dark hut. It's awful to think of that baby giving up. It's even worse when you understand the cycle of unmet needs and realize that building blocks for emotional, social, cognitive, and physical development are not being properly laid in that baby's brain because her needs are not being met in a timely, sufficient manner. All of that weighed on me in the moment and I couldn't stop crying for the baby and the thousands like her. But later, another layer of realization dawned on me. And I wept for that mother and the thousands like her. To be forced to decide whether to feed your baby or literally put a roof over your heads. The decisions these women have to face because of their poverty. I don't know how I would have chosen.

But, there is hope. And, I think that's what drove Jessica to cut the thatch that day. She tasted hope. When SOI delivered bricks to her property, when they made good on that promise, she tasted hope. SOI's program (it's not really as linear as a program, but it completely thought-out and organized) brings hope to families and villages. Life CC, in partnership with SOI, will provide at least 2 wells for Lajwatek (we found out late in the week that there are 2000+ adults and some 6000 kids in this village!), build a church/school building, train pastors and teachers from among the villagers, teach agricultural technology that will provide income AND feed the people, and give spiritual and emotional support to the victims of war and poverty. It all sounds good here in black and white, but there aren't words to describe what we saw in living color. You really do have to go to understand. The hope and life and vitality that imbued every person we encountered on the Farm astounded us. Each place we visited around Gulu had some of the same feeling--the more time SOI had spent there, the greater the feeling. It would take me hours to tell of it, and I'd still only be scratching the surface.

Now, let me tell you Esther's story. Esther lived deep in Lajwatek, where there was a heavy influence of witchcraft (we met another woman in a different place who was hosting Bible study where before she had handed out the remedies as a witch doctor!). One day, Esther died. It's possible she was just in a trance induced by the witchcraft, but the villagers believed she was dead. They laid her out in her house. Her friend Betty mourned her loss. She was grieved that her friend had passed. Betty had heard about the nearby Koro Farm where people grew banana trees in straight rows (the superstition is that God plants trees where he wants them and humans can't do a thing about it). She had heard that a kind, helpful pastor lived and worked there. So, she walked to the Farm and found Aloysius early in the morning of the third day Esther had been dead. She pleaded with him to come pray for her friend. Aloysius go tthe feeling that Betty believed Esther could be saved from torment if he came to pray. He told her he didn't pray for dead people. There was no point. And he went on his way. When he came home later in the day, Betty was still there. She again asked him to come and pray for Esther. He again told her there was no point in praying for the dead. Hours later she was still there asking Aloysius to come. Because of her persistence and because she had waited for him in the sun all day long, Aloysius relented. He gathered some of the staff and they went to Esther's house. He felt heavy spirits and refused to enter the house. Instead, Betty and some others brought her out. They laid her on the ground and Aloysius and his friends began to sing praises to God. After a few minutes, one of the villagers gasped and pointed. Esther's right hand was twitching. Aloysius and the others continued singing. Before long, Esther had sat up. Aloysius directed Betty to bring her some water. Esther drunk it and began praising God with them! The people who witnessed her resurrection immediately responded to the Gospel. So far, forty people (that's just the adult count) have come to know Jesus because of Esther's testimony!

Photo: Esther, center, yellow shirt, thanking the LCC team and SOI for adopting her village. Betty is directly in front of her.

In the coming days, I'll try to get a photo scrapbook up for you to see more of what we saw and did. There's still so much to tell! But these were the big stories I wanted to share.

Happy Birthday Dr. Suess!

2010-03-05T11:10:00.002-06:00

This week was Dr. Suess' birthday, so both kiddinkidinks' schools had celebrations today. Fun!

Pea was asked to dress as her favorite book character. She chose Ariel, the Little Mermaid. A few of Mama's clothes, one of Bro-bro's shirts, several pieces of double-sided tape, and a whole bunch of creativity and voila!

Punk was asked to dress as his favorite Dr. Suess character specifically. He chose Sam-I-Am.

He had to borrow Sissy's clothes instead of Mama's. And, he brought his own creativity to add to mine. He made the hat in class and then found all the green parts of the green eggs and ham. Daddy even got involved helping to make the sign.

Just in case you haven't read Green Eggs and Ham lately, here's a reference shot of the "real" Sam-I-Am for you. Pretty good likeness, eh?

Editor's note: If you were expecting the Uganda Scrapbook entry, I'm still working on it. Turns out it takes a long time to recount 10 days of ministry! ;) It'll be up as soon as I can finish it!