11 October 2011

Wow. Every time I post here I feel I have to apologize for being away so long. But, you know, it's just so much easier to pop a couple sentences on facebook than to blog several paragraphs here.

Well, here's the quick update: Aa just returned from nearly 2 weeks in UG. He had an amazing time there, and we didn't do too bad here ourselves. Even though the bigs' 3-week fall break coincided with Aa's trip. Thankfully, my mom retired this year and was able to be here the whole time Aa wasn't. Otherwise, I might have pulled all my hair out.

This is the last week of the bigs' break and they are doing okay at finding ways to entertain themselves, even though it's been rainy out. This morning, Punk started one of his lists. This one is all about his future home. I had to share it here, spelling preserved (he did ask about a few words).

Home
1 Log cabin
2 tvs
2 wiis
1 snakeskin carpet
1 bear skin carpet
2 laptops
1 desk with scientist stuff on it
10 frames with snake on it
1 snake skin curtin
3 cats
2 dogs
1 small bed
2 cunfy chairs
1 soafa
walls painted green, red, blue
floors are bamboo
ferrari
river
5 fish
2 globes
1 hot tub
a picture of mom dad sister brother
laser guns surounding house
pretend fruit
camras outside
satalight dish
securaty (security) room

Job (second list)
working for the presadent as a scientist
invenchins (he hasn't gotten these written down yet)

I just thought we'd all have fun looking through these lists again in a few years...or 50. :)

19 Aug 2011

Hey there, blogosphere! It's my birthday! Yay! 35!

But, better than that, there's only about one month left until Aa leaves for Uganda! I'm sooooooo very excited for him to get to experience some of what I experienced 18 months ago. The sweet, sweet people are life-changers!

To help finance his trip, Aa has made a brand-new design for a money box/bank like we use with our kids (he made theirs too, but this new design is really great!). It's up for auction on Ebay and all the money he makes from it will be put toward his trip fees. The great thing about this bank is that it has three "wells" for the money to go in. The wells are marked (on the lid) share (for donations/tithes), save (to deposit in the bank or other investments at your convenience), and spend (to be used on desires). You can use this tool to discuss the different ways of using money, how to budget, how to be generous, and to pass on your values concerning money with your kids.

We have worked out what we feel is a good system for using this tool. We want to give our kids as realistic a perspective as possible to prepare them for adulthood. I hope this description of what we do will help you determine what will work well for your family.

We give our kids a salary (going to school is their "job") each week; they do not get an allowance for doing household chores because that is just part of being a family. They receive their salary in dimes so that they can easily divide it up into the different uses. We require that some goes in each well each week. They decide what to spend their spend money on and set long-term goals for their savings. They also decide where and when to contribute their give money. Each school year they get a raise and when grades become more meaningful, they will get "performance bonuses" based on their achievements at school. So far, this method has worked really well for our now 6 and 7 year olds.

So, please go to Ebay now and bid on the great tool for a great cause! Thanks!

9 August 2011

After church on Sunday, Pup and I drove down to GA to meet with AB for our 6 month visit. Lucky for me, Pup slept most of the way and traveled very
well. He's such a good baby!

Always looking to save money where possible, I had booked us in a cheapy motel. It was only for one night--how bad could it be, right? Bwahahahaha!

When checking in, I asked for a non-smoking room on the first floor. I also requested a baby bed or crib. No problem. Room 116 in the back, first floor. As I drove around to the back of the building, I noticed first that the room was on the corner, so no neighbors on one side at least. Very nice. When I opened the door (which had a no-smoking placard on it) wafts of stale smoke smell undulated over me and Pup. Ug.

I dropped the diaper bag on the floor, tossed Pup on the bed, and heaved my overnight bag (half-full of empty bottles) onto the table. Then I burst into a fit of ironic giggles. I'd shoved this (see photo below) out of the way of the suitcase!

A few minutes later the "host" from the front desk knocked. He rattled on about another guest with a similar surname and city name who had also requested a crib. "But, that is not you, right? Just to be clear: I need to get two cribs, right?" Uh, yeah. Seems that way.

Before long there was another knock at the door and he was back (with a man who could have been his father?) with a collapsible crib from, oh, say, 7 decades ago? It was fully assembled, with two adult pillows, two full-size sheets and a full-size mattress pad (which he referred to as a blanket) heaped inside. After they had left, I stared at the crib with it's fold-down legs all askew and it's generally rickety appearance, wondering whether it would withstand the 21.5 lbs of baby I would place within it in a few hours.

After feeding Pup, we went to Olive Garden for soup, salad and breadsticks. We were seated with older couples all around us. Which could have spelled disaster. But actually proved to be entertaining--for all of us! Pup got his accustomed level of attention and the other customers were delighted with his cuteness. :) Before we left, I asked for a little sumthin-sumthin for later and we headed back to our humble abode away from home for the night.

After Pup went to sleep, I watched plenty of Food Network and HGTV (we don't have cable at home), painted my toenails (boy did they need it!) and consumed my little bit of luxury.

Next morning, Pup and I had a leisurely waking period from 6-9. After checking out, we headed to the mall where we were to meet AB and our social worker. Fortunately, I found a little play area to hang out in because AB brought her daughter (M, Pup's half-sister) along this time. It was the first time I had met M and I was very pleased for the opportunity.

M turned two in March. She is full of life and energy and is a happy little girl. She seems older than two as she is big, articulate, and socially mature. I would have pegged her as a pre-schooler had I not known better. She was comfortable with me and let me hold her and talk to her right away. Like most toddlers, she was enthralled with the baby and gave him lots of hugs and kisses.

AB and I chatted about mundane things while she held and played with Pup. M had a great time playing independently, especially on the tiny slide. The only problem was that she was wearing a sweet dress and her little legs kept sticking to the slide!

After a while, we headed to the food court for lunch. After we’d eaten, our social worker slipped away for a moment. I had prayed before our last meeting and felt like God spoke to me that AB might be afraid that she was a disappointment to me/us/Pup. I couldn’t work it into the conversation last time, but when I prayed about this meeting, the same word “disappointment” came up. So, I felt I should address it. When we were alone together (with the kids), it seemed like a good moment. So, I leaned toward AB and asked, “Can I go deep with you for just one moment?” She looked nervous, but gave me the go-ahead. I asked whether she was afraid that she was or would disappoint us. She said, “Yeah, I guess, a little” in a way that told me it was really more than just a little. So, I took the opportunity to pour love and acceptance on her. I told her that she is not at all a disappointment to me! That I love her, that she is a shining, beautiful delight to me. I affirmed that she is the redeemed of the Lord, precious to Him, clothed by Him in a queenly robe—and that if He sees her that way, who am I to disagree? J I told her that no matter what she does, her behavior and choices don’t define her—Jesus does. And I agree with Him—she is utterly a delight to me and I am so glad she is part of my life.

She cried a bit and didn’t have much to say in response. Which I anticipated. The kids made an easy transition from the deep back to our normal surface level. I plan to write out my feelings about this for her to keep. Partly, because I express myself so much better in writing and partly because I want her to have it written down, in black and white, where she can read it and believe it whenever she wants or needs to.

The social worker returned and it was time to say good-bye. Pup got lots more cuddles and kisses from AB and M. AB and I shared a good, life-giving embrace. And we went off our separate ways. Good-byes are always hard. This one was made a little easier because I was glad I had said what I wanted to say and had imparted my heart and my love to AB—and I even got to love a little on M. But, it’ll be winter before we meet again. Pup will be tottering around probably. It’s sorrowful to think of all AB is missing in his life. But, I’m so glad that she’s not missing it all, that she’s choosing to stay connected. And, I hope that as she believes in my love and opinion of her that she will begin to open her heart more and more in return.

A friend of mine recently said, "So when you adopted Pup, you adopted AB too!" Yep. We did.

27 July 2011

We all know babies and kids go through growth spurts, but Pup seems to have entered a "development spurt." While my mom was here a couple weeks ago, she taught Pup to sit up. He's been doing baby crunches ever since I can remember, so I knew his core was pretty strong. Mom set him on the floor and made a tripod by spreading his feet as far as they would go and then resting his hands on the floor between them. He took to it right away. Of course.

Well, ever since then, he's been accumulating all kinds of tricks and accomplishments! He now seems able to roll over at will, can sit for a few minutes with his hands off the floor before he topples, and is fascinated with his tongue (sticking it out and making raspberries). Today when we got home from school, I set him (on his back) on the floor while I helped the bigs tackle their after-school responsibilities. When I came back to Pup, he had flipped to his belly and repeatedly drew his left knee up toward his left hip as if he was trying to start crawling!

Uuuggh! I really, truly wish the first year of life could stretch over two years. It just goes by too fast. At Pup's 6 month appointment last week, the Dr. urged me to get going on solid foods. I just want to keep Pup a baby as long as I can. He just doesn't seem to want to cooperate! Sigh. I guess it's time to bite the bullet and plug all the sockets. Anyone seen any good deals on cabinet and drawer stops?

27 July 2011

The bigs attend year-round school, so they had 5 weeks in June and July off for their summer break. Three of those 5 weeks were filled with visits from the grandparents (first my parents for a week, then Aa's for 2). Our last visitors left on Monday morning. Needless to say, after all that spoiling by the gps and the relaxing of discipline by Aa and me, some reprogramming has been required this week!

I gave myself a break on Monday and did nearly nothing regarding housework and child-training. But, Tuesday was a new day and a return to routine and our typical standards of behavior. So, after about 5 weeks of doling out threats with nothing to back them up, I told the bigs Monday night that they'd used up all their warnings and that consequences would be swift on Tuesday.

On the way home from school Tuesday, it was bicker, bicker, bicker. Of course. Part of our routine is that the kids do a few quick chores (pick up the mail, take out the dog, deal with lunch boxes and backpacks) and then have some blow-off-steam play time before we hit the homework. Well, they decided to rough-house and I could tell it was escalating, so I called it off and told them not to touch each other. So, Punk poked Pea. Of course. I sent him straight to his bed and told him I'd be there to talk to him in just a moment. After assuring myself that Pea wasn't also in need of discipline, I called Punk down from his upper bunk. He recalled that there were to be no warnings and we reviewed the meaning of obedience (you do what I say right away, all the way, and with a happy heart). He admitted that poking Pea didn't fit the bill. I told him I'd have to spank him once for his disobedience. I gave him one quick thwap. Being the drama king he is, he screamed bloody murder and leapt up into the air. He scurried to his closed bedroom door and flew out. Before I knew it, I heard the front door open and close. Hot on his heels, I got outside just after he did. He turned and scowled and yelled, "I'm running away!"

Well, that was a first, so I had to think and act quickly. Without rushing, I caught him up and began to talk to him.
"Where are you going?"
"Hrmph. I don't know." Grumbled.
"Hmmm. Well, you didn't stop to get your shoes (compassionately). I bet your feet are going to start hurting."
"Hrmph."
"And, it is raining out here. You'll be getting awfully wet soon."
"So what." Angry.
"Why don't we go home where it's dry and cool. We can talk about this and come up with a plan."
"Hmf." Resigned?
I scooped him up and held his stiff, angry body close to me. I said gently, "You know, no matter where you go in this world, you will never, ever find anyone who loves you as much as Daddy and I do. And, your sister and brother are a close second." I couldn't believe my brilliance! I sounded like a movie script! And, what's even better--it worked! By the time we got inside the door, his attitude was changed and his arms were around my neck. His hands slid down my arms as I set him down, not wanting to break the connection.

After 7 years of parenting this little boy who is cut from the same cloth I was, I feel I'm finally getting a handle on how to deal with his drama. It requires every ounce of strength I have to fight drama with kindness and quiet (instead of escalating the situation as I have in the past). Just like me, he just wants empathy and understanding. And love. It all comes back to love. When I remain calm and in control of myself, I can show him my love in a much more convincing way. And, when he knows I love him no matter what, all the other stuff falls away for him too.

I was amazed that the rest of the afternoon and evening passed without another incident. Five weeks worth of unprogramming reversed with one spank and kindly whispered words of love? Unbelievable, but true!

25 June 2011

I’m a huge advocate for adoption. I love it. It is an absolutely miraculous way to create or expand a family. I am extremely passionate about adoption and desire to help those on the adoption pathway in any way I can. Because of that passion and because we have adopted twice (once internationally, once domestically) and because I worked for an agency for a short time, I often find myself being asked for advice on the topic. Just the other day, a friend messaged me to ask specifically about motivation to adopt. The topic really got my juices bubbling and I want to share more publicly what I said to him.

It seems to me that interest in adoption is growing and while that makes my heart glow with hope, it also creates a hitch in my spirit. Since joining the adoption community in 2005, I have seen many happy families created or grown; I have born witness to many successful adoptions. But, I have also seen a discouraging number of failed adoptions. Most of us heard about the child whose mother sent him back to Russia alone last year (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36322282/ns/world_news-europe/t/boy-sent-back-russia-adoption-ban-urged/). This news was shocking and horrifying. But it isn’t the only story of its kind. When I worked with the agency, I saw two children returned to their birth country under similar circumstances. And, I have heard of many, many more failed adoptions through the grapevine over the years. It’s tremendously disheartening to think of the emotional trauma created for children and families who find themselves in these positions. I understand that the families feel there is no other option available to them and I recognize they experience their own emotional carnage related to their adoption disruptions. And, even some parents with right motivations, good preparation, and lots of support can have trouble in their adoptions. But, I believe that at least some of these situations are preventable.

In the past, people adopted because they wanted to become parents. Almost all adoptive parents experienced infertility or secondary infertility. They simply wanted children (or more children) in their home, had the resources to raise them, and the compunction that children could be “our own” without coming from our bodies.

In recent years, adoption has begun to come to the forefront of the American Christian psyche. There is, in fact, a Christian adoption movement. And, a lot of good is coming from that (although I agree with them that there is much ground yet to be won). People are realizing that adoption is a positive (albeit challenging) way to grow a family. However, many well-intentioned people, stirred by the Bible’s clear injunctions to care for widows and orphans (Ex. 22:22, Deut. 10:18, 14:29, 24:17, PS 68:5, 82:3, Isa. 1:17,Jer 22:3, Zec 7:10) and Jesus’ plain instruction on caring for “the least of these” (Mat. 25:40,45), and taking a cue from our Heavenly Father’s spiritual adoption of each of us, consider adoption as the best way to obey these commands. I believe that is flat-out wrong. This “rescue-the-children” mentality is at the root of many adoptive parents’ dissatisfaction with their adoption experience as well as the fundamental reason some adoptions fail.

This rescue mentality can seem to blind people from their usual common sense. People seem to think that somehow an adoptable child is inherently good and, given the right environment, he will quickly and totally recover from his early trauma. But, these same parents, if they knew the next door neighbor kid had been involved in a gang even if only for survival, or had been sexually abused and learned to become an abuser herself, had learned to steal and horde to have food—would they bring that child over for a slumber party, let alone to be a permanent part of the family and share a room with their perfectly sheltered toddler? The reality is that many kids who have a less-than-ideal foundation (from malnourishment to neglect to abuse of any kind) can make great strides in their new families, but it isn’t instantaneous or even easy. Recovery for the child may demand an exceptionally high degree of commitment, advocacy, patience, selflessness, and persistence from the parent(s).

Another problem for parents who want to be a child’s savior is that adopted kids rarely feel much gratitude toward the family that has “rescued” them. From the children’s perspective, the adoptive family has ripped them away from everything they’ve ever known, the place they truly belonged. Far from appreciating all that the adoptive family can provide, the children are traumatized and grieved. These emotions and problems may surface immediately, or may develop over time, but at some point in an adoptive family’s life, they most likely will have to face this beast head-on. Adoption is far from ideal and adoptive parents who set themselves up as some kind of rescuing hero are setting themselves up for a fall. Unfortunately, many blame the children for the tumble from their pedestal, with tragic results.

This desire to rescue children from poverty can have devastating effects that reach far beyond the adoptive family. Not long ago there was a surge of people wanting to rescue impoverished kids in Guatemala. Rather than saving a generation of children, the situation ended up creating a black-market for healthy infants where babies were being stolen from loving mothers so they could be sold for adoption to well-meaning American couples (http://sites.google.com/site/internationaladoptionfacts/guatemala-adoption-u-s-adoptions-fueled-by-kidnappings). This, and similar situations, led to the closure of legitimate inter-country adoptions not only in Guatemala, but also in other countries which feared a similar fate for their children. Rarely is there a glut of healthy infants available internationally; even the poorest mothers want to breastfeed and care for their children as long as they can. If you're saying your primary motivation is to save a child’s life, but you only want a healthy infant (and you want to do it internationally so you don't have to deal with messy birth family issues) you have missed the point entirely.

I said above that these adoption failures could be prevented. If those who wish to adopt would take a serious look at their motivation, be honest with themselves before God and their spouses (where applicable), and take steps ensure their hearts are truly in the right place, it’s true—many of these sad stories would never occur.

For Aa and me, we stumbled into adoption because of secondary infertility. We conceived Punk easily when we wanted to, but we couldn’t get pregnant again (not for lack of trying!). We started our adoption journey because we wanted another child in our family. Honestly, we did like the idea that we were entering into a new understanding of the Father’s adoptive heart toward us and that we were obeying the Bible’s commands about orphans. And, in the end, I do believe we saved Pea’s life. If she hadn’t been adopted, she would have died. But, that wasn’t why we adopted her.

I think adoption is a lot like marriage—it’s a huge commitment, for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. You are binding yourself to another person whose history you only know in part and whose future you cannot predict. When you adopt a child, you are committing to love and treat them as though they had come from your own body, without any guarantees about how the relationship will go. One adoptive mother who struggled in her relationship with her adopted daughter put it this way: “Unless you can imagine loving and being committed to a child even if they would NEVER love you, don't adopt.”

If you are considering adoption because it seems like the right thing to do, because you want to save a child from poverty, because you want to be the best Christian you can be, because you want to be hero, PLEASE DON’T DO IT. I cannot stress strongly enough the disaster that may ensue for you, your family, and the child(ren) you adopt if you enter into it for these reasons.

These motivations are not wrong in themselves. They are just not appropriate to adoption. As a Christian, you do need to step up and defend the fatherless. You do need to extend yourself on behalf of the widow, orphan, and the least of the least. As James 1:27 puts it, “Pure and lasting religion in the sight of God our Father means that we must care for orphans and widows in their troubles.” (emphasis mine) It’s non-negotiable. But, these commands do not require us to adopt.

There are many other ways to fulfill these injunctions. In fact, adoption is really only a band-aid solution in the first place. It does nothing to address the needs of the birth family or the culture (domestic or foreign) into which the needy child was born. Advocating on behalf of the poor and contributing to transformational ministries which lift people out of poverty are very effective ways to create real, lasting change. Look into providing micro-loans for entrepreneurs in struggling economies. Or, support and promote organizations like Sports Outreach Ministries which is transforming the lives of Uganda’s inner-city slum children as well as families in rural villages of Northern Uganda in both practical and spiritual ways.

Most of the world’s adoptable children aren’t orphans in the truest sense; most have at least one living parent. They are adoptable because of poverty (this is true in the US and abroad). The exception to this is AIDS orphans. You can make a real difference and save children’s lives by advocating for ARV treatments in Africa and India and other places hit hard by the disease. Compassion, International has a stellar program for helping HIV+ mothers avoid transmission to their infants, as well as preventing infant mortality from other causes and helping the mothers live longer, stronger lives. Find out more at http://www.compassion.com/help-babies.htm.

Right here at home, you can make a real difference by backing ministries that support women in unplanned pregnancies (our local Lifeline is in dire need of diapers!) or mentoring an impoverished child. If you want an even more hands-on experience, apply for your foster-care license. It’s absolutely free to get started and it’s not a life-long commitment like adoption is. Many counties/states are desperate for solid, willing foster families.

In short, I want to let you off the hook. You don’t have to adopt! And, adopting doesn’t make you a hero or a better Christian. If you want to adopt for those reasons, please find an alternative. If you want to adopt because you desire to parent a child and are willing to face the challenges and difficulties that accompany adoption, I’ll be your biggest support!

Since I'm not here so much any more, I thought I'd better jot down a few notes for posterity. And you guys.

• Punk is turning into a math genius. He's still a few months off of his 7th birthday, finishing up the first grade and doing simple division (12/4) in his head. Per Punk's request, Aa explained decimals to him this afternoon and he seemed to pick it right up. I wish math was so intuitive to me! What's the opposite of intuitive? Math! :)
• Pup is growing like gangbusters! He had his 4 month check-up last week. He came in at 17.5 lbs and 27", which puts him in the 90th and 95th percentiles, respectively. He's pushing the boundaries of the 3-6 month clothes. Dunno what I'm going to do with all the cute fall/winter 12-18 mo stuff I bought on clearance!
• Pea is doing really well with her locs. We tightened them a little while ago and I asked her if the experience was better or worse than having her whole head braided. She said it was soooooo much better. Good. Cuz you're stuck with it now, kid!
• Aa shaved off his goatee. Now he and Pup are identical, except in coloring. It's uncanny. I'll have to snap a pic of them together.
• Pup has rolled over twice now, days apart, both times while I was out of the room. He's started on rice cereal and avocados. He's not really sure about either of them, but he's very curious about the foods the rest of us are eating!
• Pea has brought a total of 3 notes home from school--all letting us know she's been disciplined for acting silly/distracting during learning times. This is the little girl who loved preschool, but practically hid in her shell the whole time. Her teacher put it well when she said, "I'm so please to see Pea coming into her own, but now she needs to learn the boundaries."
  
• Pup continues to get attention everywhere we go. There is no such thing as a quick errand when he is in tow!
  
• Aa is still making boxes for donations for his trip to Uganda this fall. I'm considering a fund-raiser where I sell something like gift certificates for desserts. You buy the certificate now and cash it in when you want the cake/cupcakes/cheesecake/mousse. Maybe...
• I got an iPhone today. And sent my first text. How many points does that earn me? :)
• Aa is practically covered in poison ivy. He thinks he found the culprit in the yard. I'm surprised none of the children have gotten it. Aa says maybe they're all immune like me. What are the chances? Seriously!
• Pup is sleeping pretty well now. Goes to bed around 9, gets up around 5, but is kept at bay with a paci (which I like to call his "sucker") until 6:15-6:30. When school gets out, Punk gets a roomie!
• The restaurant we had lunch at today has one of those quarters-for-candy machines. Pea got Skittles. After eating a few, she asked me which is my favorite color. Then she bent over her handful and picked out all the orange ones and gave them to me. She is sweetness and generosity in little brown girl form.
• I took sheaves of paperwork to the courthouse Friday to file for the finalization of Pup's adoption. But, when I got there, they told me "the adoption lady" wasn't in. I have to call Tuesday. Hope she can see me pronto because I need to get it filed this month or more paperwork ensues! Eeep!