9 August 2011

After church on Sunday, Pup and I drove down to GA to meet with AB for our 6 month visit. Lucky for me, Pup slept most of the way and traveled very
well. He's such a good baby!

Always looking to save money where possible, I had booked us in a cheapy motel. It was only for one night--how bad could it be, right? Bwahahahaha!

When checking in, I asked for a non-smoking room on the first floor. I also requested a baby bed or crib. No problem. Room 116 in the back, first floor. As I drove around to the back of the building, I noticed first that the room was on the corner, so no neighbors on one side at least. Very nice. When I opened the door (which had a no-smoking placard on it) wafts of stale smoke smell undulated over me and Pup. Ug.

I dropped the diaper bag on the floor, tossed Pup on the bed, and heaved my overnight bag (half-full of empty bottles) onto the table. Then I burst into a fit of ironic giggles. I'd shoved this (see photo below) out of the way of the suitcase!

A few minutes later the "host" from the front desk knocked. He rattled on about another guest with a similar surname and city name who had also requested a crib. "But, that is not you, right? Just to be clear: I need to get two cribs, right?" Uh, yeah. Seems that way.

Before long there was another knock at the door and he was back (with a man who could have been his father?) with a collapsible crib from, oh, say, 7 decades ago? It was fully assembled, with two adult pillows, two full-size sheets and a full-size mattress pad (which he referred to as a blanket) heaped inside. After they had left, I stared at the crib with it's fold-down legs all askew and it's generally rickety appearance, wondering whether it would withstand the 21.5 lbs of baby I would place within it in a few hours.

After feeding Pup, we went to Olive Garden for soup, salad and breadsticks. We were seated with older couples all around us. Which could have spelled disaster. But actually proved to be entertaining--for all of us! Pup got his accustomed level of attention and the other customers were delighted with his cuteness. :) Before we left, I asked for a little sumthin-sumthin for later and we headed back to our humble abode away from home for the night.

After Pup went to sleep, I watched plenty of Food Network and HGTV (we don't have cable at home), painted my toenails (boy did they need it!) and consumed my little bit of luxury.

Next morning, Pup and I had a leisurely waking period from 6-9. After checking out, we headed to the mall where we were to meet AB and our social worker. Fortunately, I found a little play area to hang out in because AB brought her daughter (M, Pup's half-sister) along this time. It was the first time I had met M and I was very pleased for the opportunity.

M turned two in March. She is full of life and energy and is a happy little girl. She seems older than two as she is big, articulate, and socially mature. I would have pegged her as a pre-schooler had I not known better. She was comfortable with me and let me hold her and talk to her right away. Like most toddlers, she was enthralled with the baby and gave him lots of hugs and kisses.

AB and I chatted about mundane things while she held and played with Pup. M had a great time playing independently, especially on the tiny slide. The only problem was that she was wearing a sweet dress and her little legs kept sticking to the slide!

After a while, we headed to the food court for lunch. After we’d eaten, our social worker slipped away for a moment. I had prayed before our last meeting and felt like God spoke to me that AB might be afraid that she was a disappointment to me/us/Pup. I couldn’t work it into the conversation last time, but when I prayed about this meeting, the same word “disappointment” came up. So, I felt I should address it. When we were alone together (with the kids), it seemed like a good moment. So, I leaned toward AB and asked, “Can I go deep with you for just one moment?” She looked nervous, but gave me the go-ahead. I asked whether she was afraid that she was or would disappoint us. She said, “Yeah, I guess, a little” in a way that told me it was really more than just a little. So, I took the opportunity to pour love and acceptance on her. I told her that she is not at all a disappointment to me! That I love her, that she is a shining, beautiful delight to me. I affirmed that she is the redeemed of the Lord, precious to Him, clothed by Him in a queenly robe—and that if He sees her that way, who am I to disagree? J I told her that no matter what she does, her behavior and choices don’t define her—Jesus does. And I agree with Him—she is utterly a delight to me and I am so glad she is part of my life.

She cried a bit and didn’t have much to say in response. Which I anticipated. The kids made an easy transition from the deep back to our normal surface level. I plan to write out my feelings about this for her to keep. Partly, because I express myself so much better in writing and partly because I want her to have it written down, in black and white, where she can read it and believe it whenever she wants or needs to.

The social worker returned and it was time to say good-bye. Pup got lots more cuddles and kisses from AB and M. AB and I shared a good, life-giving embrace. And we went off our separate ways. Good-byes are always hard. This one was made a little easier because I was glad I had said what I wanted to say and had imparted my heart and my love to AB—and I even got to love a little on M. But, it’ll be winter before we meet again. Pup will be tottering around probably. It’s sorrowful to think of all AB is missing in his life. But, I’m so glad that she’s not missing it all, that she’s choosing to stay connected. And, I hope that as she believes in my love and opinion of her that she will begin to open her heart more and more in return.

A friend of mine recently said, "So when you adopted Pup, you adopted AB too!" Yep. We did.

15 March 2011

(Editor's note: One of these days I'll quit apologizing for being such an infrequent visitor to my own blog. But, not today. I'm sorry I've been away so long again. It's just that I rarely sit at the computer with both hands free these days. And it's hard enough to IM one-handed, much less to type in an entire blog entry!)
So, our sweet little Pup has been home over a month now, but there are still times that I feel like a fraud. It washes over me sometimes when I'm just driving around with my thoughts and my baby in the backseat. A feeling that I'm just the babysitter. It's trivial and passes quickly when I have the littlest love of my life in my arms. But, I also feel fraudish when strangers begin to talk to me about my baby. They'll say things like, "Oh where did he get that curly hair!?!" or "My! How can you be so skinny so soon after giving birth?" They are well-intentioned and blissfully ignorant, but since they are strangers, I don't feel any reason to go into all the ins and outs of how Pup came to our family. So, I smile awkwardly and mumble my "thank yous" and feel like a fraud inside.

When Pea came home to us, it was obvious to everyone that she was not born of my loins. But, even though Pup is "browning up" some, the logical conclusion is that I birthed him. A friend pointed out (from her experience) that Pup looks a lot like AB, which makes the fact that I'm the chronologically second mom very obvious (to me, at least). And, somehow, being second chronologically can make one feel inferior in other ways too. Also, there are still legal t's to be crossed and i's to be dotted. Living in this limbo certainly contributes to the fraudy feelings.
People often say it's the relationship that matters more than the legal definition of it. And, 98% of the time, I do feel like I really am Pup's mama. Bonding is going well in both directions. But, there is something to that little piece of paper that will say he's all mine and I'm all his. I doubt I'll feel fraudish at all after that.

Anyway, I was glad my friend shared her experiences with me and let me know I'm not alone. And I thought that there might be someone reading this who would benefit from knowing the same. :)

23 February 2011

Hooray and praise the LORD! BB is home! Actually, he has been home almost 2 weeks now, but if you've ever had a newborn, you know why it has taken me so long to get the blog updated! For one thing, I had to get to know him a little bit so I could give him a proper blog-name. I have decided on Pup. So, from now on BB (baby boy) will be known as Pup here (and occasionally in the real world).

So, a lot has happened since the last time I was here. On the Sunday after the last post, I made a fool of myself (privately, thankfully!) getting angry at Aa for not being a good spiritual leader. It was absolutely ridiculous and humiliating. But, talking about it together did help our relationship. I told him that the Sanctus Real song "Lead Me" always makes me cry because I live in a tension between realizing that my husband is a super-star in this area in comparison to what many women have versus wishing for more of it. I likened my feelings to the high ropes course I worked on in college. I knew my equipment was strong and safe. I took good care of it, and I examined it each time before I took a group up. But, there was a different level of knowing that came the first moment of each time I led a group when I jumped off the course to demonstrate how reliable my harness really was. I told Aa I felt like our relationship (or his spiritual leadership) hadn't been tested like that in awhile. So, while I knew our relationship was strong and that he is a good spiritual leader, I didn't know it, if you know what I mean.

We had some laughs and tears and it really was a galvanizing moment for us. Good thing, too, because the very next day, the agency called again with another delay! Aa swooped in and began to fight for us. Our case worker, poor dear, had all the responsibility of relaying messages from the agency to us and vice versa, but no real power to change anything. But, she went to bat for us with the higher-ups and explained our position. The paperwork was finally cleared (actually, Aa had to track that down too, but that wasn't our agency's fault), but there was still an element of risk coming from the birth father. It's complicated why the placement was still being delayed, but suffice it to say, Aa dove in there and got things moving. (As an aside, we love our agency. We love what they do and the way they do it. Because of that, we have written them a letter explaining how we feel they let us down a bit during this time. We still recommend our agency, but, unfortunately, with a slight reservation.)

After some back and forth, the agency finally agreed to do the placement on Feb 10th. Every time the phone rang between then and when we arrived at the placement ceremony, my heart stopped. We had been disappointed and delayed so many times, I had trouble believing it was real this time.

We went down the day before the ceremony and Cynthia bent over backwards to make arrangements for the rest of the family to meet Pup for the first time almost as soon as we arrived in town. What sweet, sweet moments those were. Here's our first family photo. And, yes, Punk is pulling his new brother's hair. Game on.After visiting for about an hour, we grabbed dinner and then back to the hotel for bedtime. Unfortunately, Pea had a cold and kept us all up all night between her hacking coughs and snoring. Nonetheless, we were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when we arrived at the church for the ceremony at 11. While Aa and I signed sheaves of paperwork, AB (our birthmom) got to hang out with all three of our kids (and Cynthia, and the ICPs). Almost all Covenant Care's placements happen at their main office in Macon, but they made an exception for us and we met in Athens. This allowed a whole slew of people who usually don't get to see this part of the process to witness ours. So, we had our birthmom (unusual) and some representatives from the adoption support group from the church we were meeting in and a bunch of staff and a board member join us! The little church library was jam-packed, but there were really only two people (Pup and AB) that got any of my attention!
The ceremony was brief, but very meaningful. Afterward, AB gave me a small New Testament for Pup with a little inscription she had written in it. She told me she wanted her first gift to him to be a Bible. We also got some gifts from the ICPs, including a Georgia Bulldogs tee-shirt! The IC dad video-taped the whole thing and gave us a DVD of it on the spot! Pretty cool!

We got everyone bundled and all our things together and headed out. It was hard to grasp that we really had him! That he's ours (almost)! On the way home, I sat next to Pup and couldn't take my eyes off of him. I needed sleep so badly, but I couldn't close my eyes. I just wanted to watch his sweet face and drink him in. I had been carrying a weight of anxiety that was lifted, but it was replaced with a new, heavier weight. Like the radiation apron at the dentist's office, covering my heart. It was the weight of loving this little man. The weight of the gift we had been given by God and by AB.

It took us a very long time to get home. Who knew that it takes an hour to consume 4 oz of formula and get your diaper changed? When we finally got here, Dexter (our dog) went bananas. He was so happy to see us, he didn't even notice the covered car-seat carrier. But, when Pup began to squeak, boy, Dexter took on a whole new level of lunacy! For the first couple of days, any sound Pup made sent Dex into a frenzy. And, if we dared to let Pup cry for even an instant, Dexter seemed to beg us to do something for him. We began to think Dex thought Pup really was his puppy!Well, like I said, it's been the five of us for almost two weeks now. We're getting used to each other (Dexter included) and I've discovered I way overestimated myself! It's been six and a half years since we've had a newborn and I simply forgot how demanding he would be. But, precious, oh so precious. I can't get enough of him. Neither can Aa or the bigs. We're all in love, love, love.

26 January 2010

Well, friends, I've taken you this far on our adoption journey and I know a lot of you are invested in this right along with us. One of my friends even said she's never had such an intimate look into the heart of adoption. And that is what prompts me to share this post with you today.

The reality of adoption is that here we are again, facing a temporary set-back. I really don't want to go into all the details here, but, on Monday (the 24th) we were thinking we'd be having the placement ceremony (where we would take custody, but not a full adoption because there is still more paperwork to be done over the following months) on Thursday or Friday (27th or 28th) of this week. We were all very excited about the possibility of getting in the car on Wednesday to be with our BB. I had spent the morning buying BB's formula, bottles, and diapers since the trip was impending. Pea even made this drawing at school.It shows the four of us in our van (big purple circle around us), driving to get BB. The kids are wearing their seatbelts (black lines across them) and watching a movie (gumball machine in the middle). The flower next to me is the steering wheel. On the back it says: "I am gown (going) to have a babe (baby) and it is a bow (boy) his nam (name) is (BB) and he is gown (going) to be brown (he's bi-racial)." She even asked if she could read this to the class!

All of this joyful preparation was interrupted when I got a call last night saying there was another delay. To say I was disappointed barely scratches the surface. All the gleeful gathering of supplies I had done that day seemed a mockery to me.

It was about 5:10 PM when I answered the phone. When I hung up, I fell apart, sobbing from my very toenails on up. I expected Aa home any minute and wanted to pull myself together so he wouldn't walk into the house to discover the puddle that had formerly been his wife. But, as soon as I gained control, I thought about having to tell him and the torrents overtook me again. So, puddle he did find.

"What's wrong?"
"It's...(sob, sob)...nothing permanent...(sob, sob, sob)... It's just (sob) a delay (sob, sob, sob) but we can't go for BB (sob, sob) until (sob) next week." (Utter dissolution)

Having thoroughly besmirched his shirt, I began to tell him the details, well-laden with grief, anger, and disappointment. Feeling the same, he suggested we call back our case worker. She kindly repeated everything she'd told me, answered a few more questions, and complimented us on our sweet spirits. I told her she wouldn't have thought me sweet had she seen the tantrum that filled the space between phone calls. She smiled and then prayed with us and vowed to let us know when she heard any news.

After we hung up with her, I recalled a verse that came up in a Bible study I attended Monday morning. Isa 49:25b: "For I will contend with the one who contends with you, And I will save your sons." Now, that's an Old Testament verse and I think it needs to be illuminated by the New Testament. Eph 6:12: "For we are not fighting [contending] against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule this world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms." My mama-bear proclivities rose to the surface and, boy, did I want to contend with powers of evil! But, mama bears have to tend the cubs already in the den, so I had to hold that thought and feed my hungry family.

Today I have had a lot of quiet time to think on all this. I even went to church this mid-day (they have been opening the sanctuary for prayer 11:30-1:30 every weekday) to pray. As I approached the throne of grace, I felt I ought to come contending. But, I found, I really don't know how to contend in the spirit. I'm sadly lacking in spiritual warfare prowess. All I could do was beg. And that seemed all wrong too. Quickly, I felt Him nudging me, whispering (and I don't mean audibly, just speaking to my heart), "Daughter, that verse you're clinging to... it says I will contend on your behalf. I will save your son."
"Oh. Well, then, what am I supposed to do?"
"Be still and know that I am God.* Remember who I am and what I've already done for you."
"But I'm afraid! This isn't just about me missing out on a few more days of holding BB. It isn't just about me missing out on his coos and the little ways he changes every day. This is about his DESTINY, God! His whole future is hanging in the balance here. This is BIG!"
"Yes, my child. It is. Do you remember a few weeks ago, in December, when you thought it looked like none of this would come to pass? Can you not trust me?"

There was soft worship music playing in the sanctuary and the lyrics were just extolling God. I felt a little abashed. "How could I forget? How could I forget who You are? I'm sorry. I get it. But I'm so weary. This has been almost 2 weeks of the most extreme emotions, from one end of the spectrum to the other, back and forth. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted."

"Come to me, weary woman, heavy-burdened, and I will give you rest.** Let me contend for you while you rest. You've borrowed many woes with your 'what-ifs.' Just stay in this moment, resting on My promises, My Word, My character."

"Oh yeah. I know I have spent many tears on things that may never happen. But, it's scary to think about never being allowed to hold my son again. Help me turn my thoughts to You, though, when they start to carry me away."

I sat there a while longer, just reminding myself who He is, and soaking in His presence. When I got home, there was a reply to an email I had sent the night before to AB's case worker for her to pass on to AB for us. My note said:

Dear AB,

I just wanted to touch base with you while these delays are going on. I know you are very disappointed. I know you know we are too. I don't mind telling you I wept another bucket of tears when I got the call that there would be a delay in getting to be with BB. We are so looking forward to being united as a family. But, I wanted to share with you a verse that is bringing me peace and hope. It is Isaiah 49:25b. It says, "For I will contend with the one who contends with you, And I will save your sons." I know that "the one who contends with you" is no person, but Satan and the forces of evil. God is fighting for what is good and right for BB; He will save our son. I'm confident of that. And, Aa and I are contending in the spiritual realm as well. Just wanted you to know we're disappointed but not discouraged.

Faith and hope to you,
R and Aa

The response said: "I called AB and read this to her....She was touched...I was touched....Traci (social work intern) was touched!!! God will Win!"

And that got me to thinking... During the hours I spent at the hospital with AB and BB, I prayed that God would woo her to Him, that all of this adoption experience would strengthen her relationship with Him, that He would continually reveal Himself to AB through BB's story. So, it occurred to me, that maybe, maybe that's what's going on here. This very well may be for God's glory. In fact, I know He will use it to bring glory to His name. And, that's good enough for me!

I have said that we gave BB the middle name Immanuel because we know that God has been with us (AB and BB included) through all of this. And, I have said that I believe BB's story will be told widely and that it will bring glory to God's name. So, why was I surprised that it got hard again?! Silly me!

Adoption is so close to God's heart, so integral to His plan, indeed to who He is as our Father, that we should just expect it to be opposed. We should just expect the roller coaster to dip a few times. But, the thing is, the dips are what makes the heights glorious. And, when we look back on this time, we will see that God did contend on our behalf and that He saved our son. It will be obvious that God did this thing, that no man or power of darkness can overcome Him. And He will get the glory. Amen.

(If you are concerned about the practical side of all this, we are now looking at doing the placement ceremony on Wed, Feb 2.)

*Ps. 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Pretty good stuff right there!
**Mat. 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

18 January 2011 (well, that's when I started writing this, anyway!)

Have you ever been on a mission trip, or had any big event in your life, and had someone ask you, "How was it?" There's just no easy way to answer that question because there's soooooooo very much to tell and most of it can't be expressed in words. There's a lot of "you had to be there" mixed in with a lot of "I just can't explain it." So, I'll try to give you a reasonable, readable account of the weekend. But, just know, it's falling far short of the reality.

I left on Friday (Jan 14) in a flurry of activity because I had to check into the hospital's guest house by 10 o'clock and Aa had a meeting until 3. With a 6.5 hour drive and possible icy roads and the need to satisfy basic bodily functions, there simply wasn't a moment to spare. I took off flying, after filling up with gas! The roads were mostly clear with only a few scary spots. But, I had prayed that God would send angels to keep the car on the road, and even though I drove on some ice, I never felt the car slip one centimeter.

I made it just in time. The hospital's guest house is very economical, which means it isn't luxurious. But being so close was worth the sacrifice of amenities. I do wish I'd brought my own pillow along, though. I took a couple of Tylenol PMs and prayed myself to sleep.

My plan for Saturday morning was to be at the hospital at 7 for breakfast. AB (our birth mom) was scheduled to be induced at 7 and she was going to call me in when she was all hooked up to all the gadgets and ready to go. So, I set my alarm before going to bed Friday night. I needn't have bothered! I was awake long before it sounded. Apparently, adrenaline is stronger than TPM! Anyway, although I am not a morning person, I was easily able to keep to the plan.

About 8 AM, Cynthia, AB's case worker, called to tell me she was on her way in. She also informed me that AB had gone into labor on her own and had been contracting since 3 AM!!! Not only that, she had progressed to 4 cm when she came in this morning! I was thrilled to know that, even though the induction was a week ahead of the due date, her body was ready to do its thing--and that we might have a baby sooner than later.

Cynthia had another surprise for me. AB wasn't alone in the room as we had thought she would be. Her aunt (J) and 13 yr old cousin (D) were already there. I continued to wait for Cynthia so that we could go in together.

Cynthia arrived about 8:30, so we headed in. I hadn't seen AB in a month and this was only our second meeting. I gave her a big hug and handed her the gifts I had brought--a fleecy warm robe, woolly slipper-booties, and the box Aaron had made with a few more recent photos in it. She was very pleased--and cold! So, I helped her slip on the booties and the robe. Then I got to meet J and D, who were sitting off to the side. While all this gift-giving and introductions were going on, AB was having contractions every 5-6 minutes. But, no one seemed to be coaching her through them. Since I was right there during the gift-giving, I stepped in to coach. I had tried to prepare as best I could in the week leading up to the big day since I thought I would be the only one there. Throughout the entire labor, I was the only one who ever attempted to help (besides the nurses). I was very glad I had done my little bit of boning up!
Not long after we arrived, maybe 10 or so, the nurse checked AB's progress. She had dilated another 2 cms! Cynthia encouraged her that this would be the time to get the epidural so that she didn't get too far along. Now, AB has another child--a 22 month old girl--and the epidural procedure didn't go so smoothly the first time. So, she was very fearful about it. Everyone had to clear the room except for me (I am so grateful and in awe that I was the chosen one) and the nurse anesthetist came in. Poor soul. He was trying to talk to AB when a contraction hit. I asked him to hang on until it was over. He went on after that, but it was sorta down hill from there on. AB told him that she'd had a bad experience in the past. I think it made him even more nervous. He got her into position and started trying to get the needle between the vertebrae, but hers are very tightly joined. He struggled for probably 45 minutes, in two different places and finally got so upset that he sorta threw his instruments on the bed and raised his hands and said, "I give up."

AB was in a lot of pain from the contractions by this point and she was very afraid of going through the hardest parts of labor without the epidural. The nurse called the anesthesiologist (dr.) to come. When he showed up a few minutes later, he tried to talk her out of having the procedure. She was very upset. Cynthia had said before she left, "I'm all for epidurals for adoptions. There is enough pain involved that whatever we can get rid of, I feel we should." I also felt that AB was not confident and neither one of us was truly prepared to get her through without the epidural. So, I asked the doctor if he would try just one time, just once. He capitulated.

Now, almost the whole time the nurse anesthetist was trying, I was praying silently that God would open up the space in her vertebrae. And, most of that time, I felt an urge to pray out loud. But, I was embarrassed. I barely know the girl, although she does have faith, and I certainly didn't know the nurse or the anesthetist. But, with only one more try, I sucked it up, leaned into AB's ear and prayed, "Lord God, you can do this. Open up AB's vertebrae so that the needle can go in and she can get the help she needs to get through this." Then I helped her breathe through the contraction.

In no time at all, the dr. had the epidural in place. He said it was difficult, but compared with the nurse anesthetist, he made it look easy! And, as soon as it was in, AB said, "Oh, praise Jesus!" And we had a little moment of worship and thanks before the next contraction came on.

J and D came back into the room and then D's phone rang. It was "Granny." D rolled her eyes a lot while talking to her and J and AB seemed very surprised she had called. Then there was a tap on my shoulder. D held the phone out to me with a quizzical/worried look on her face, and said "She wants to talk to you." So, I got to talk to Granny a bit. Not knowing what to expect, but not getting good vibes from the ones who did, I took a positive stance. I told her she would be so proud of her girl who was doing such a great job. Granny said, "Well, she comes from good stock!" Hee hee! She was kind to me and said she was grateful for me and my family. Then she asked for D again. A few minutes later, she talked to AB. At one point in the conversation, I heard AB tell Granny, "You would love her if you met her. I know I made the right choice and that this is the right family." I was overwhelmed with gratitude to hear AB speak about me and my family that way.

After she got off the phone, she told me that Granny hadn't spoken to her since she found out "about all this." I asked if they had been close before, and she said, "Yeah. I think so." Then J said "Granny's just Granny." And that was the end of that.

Then, AB's best friend--a friend she's had for 14 years--came. She was very sweet and supportive. She brought a lightness and a happy atmosphere to the room. I wasn't sure how happy I should be around AB. Plus, I was pretty focused on making sure AB was comfortable and doing well. We'll call this friend K. I liked having K there. She made an effort to get to know me and also to make sure AB was doing well.

At about noon, I think, the epidural wasn't doing its job very well any more. So, the nurse came in and checked AB. She was now 8 cm! The contractions were monstrous on the monitor--tall, wide, and right on top of one another. AB was crying through the contractions and not handling them very well. So, the nurse called for the anesthetist to come back and give a boost (I forgot the technical term). After he left, she sort of giggled and said, "That's the biggest boost I've ever seen!" I think we sorta scared him the first time he saw us!

The nurse glanced back at the screen and said, "I'm just gonna check you again." Her face registered surprise and she said she could feel the baby's head! She said he had dropped about 5 cm since the last check about 20 minutes back! She called the OB and told AB that if she sat her up and AB started pushing, we'd have the baby before the dr. could arrive!

We all started buzzing, and the everyone pulled out their cell phones! The nurse was busy getting everything in place and minutes later, just after I'd asked how long the dr would take to arrive, he came in! He explained a few things, AB shifted positions, and everything began happening so fast! She was afraid she wouldn't be able to push because the giant boost had made her numb from her ribs to her toes. She couldn't feel a thing. And, she had pushed for 2 1/2 hours in her first delivery, so she was afraid because of that too. I was able to help calm her down and she did so wonderfully! Even without being able to feel, I think it was only five contractions later that his head was out! And then his body.

I began to sob with emotions I can't name even now. There is nothing like that moment in all the world. Nothing to compare it to. Nothing. I've never participated in any birth besides Punk's and it was very different being an observer. And, yet, not just an observer. The mother of the child too! My heart swelled and I lost my breath and I just heaved tears all over the place.

The cord was around his neck and there was meconium in the water, so I didn't get to cut the cord as planned. They whisked the baby to the side of the room and began working on him. Everyone else followed the baby, but I stayed with AB. After the placenta was out and she was a little more calm and comfortable, I left her side for just a moment to snap one quick photo of him.They were able to stabilize BB (Baby Boy, until I can gift him a blog name) and brought him over. AB held him first for a few minutes, then me. Someone else asked to hold him and he got passed around like a communion tray for a little while. Finally, the nurses said he needed to go to the nursery and I could come along. So I did. I really hope SOMEONE took care of AB while I was gone.

After they messed with my little boy for a while, and gave him his first bath, I was able to take him to a little room and give him his first feeding. It was a precious time. He is so very tiny. So, so, so tiny. After he ate, I took a few pictures of him. And then we went to AB's room and hung out with her for a while.I went to get some dinner and when I came back up the elevator, J was standing there waiting. There was another woman waiting also. I didn't want to make them miss the elevator, but I asked J, "How's she doing?"

She said, "She's fine. Just resting."

"Oh, okay, I'll see you later." And, we went our separate ways. When I got to AB's room, I mentioned having seen J.

She said, "Yeah, and that was my mother with her." I was shocked that J hadn't introduced us!

I said, "Oh, will she be coming back?"

"Yeah, they just went to get something to eat."

"Are you glad your mother is here?"

"Yeah, but she doesn't like this."

"Did she try to talk you out of it?" I realize looking back that this sounded to AB like I was concerned she might change her mind. I'm sorry for that because I was really asking a question more akin to "How's your heart? Do you need ministry?"

"No one can talk me out of this," she said defensively. "I know this is the right thing. I know all the facts. I know God has put all this together and no one can say any differently."

We talked a little about her relationship with her mom, but she wasn't very forthcoming. When J and L (AB's mom) came back, AB introduced us. She asked me to tell her mom about the baby's name and it's meaning. His middle name is Immanuel, which means "God with us." We chose it because we feel it is very clear that God has been with us--with this family, with AB, and with BB--through all of this. And, that He will continue to our constant companion.

We all three chatted a bit more, and took turns holding BB. I think it was good for L and even J and AB to see me with BB. I also think it was really good for L and J to see me continuing to care for AB and build relationship.

When I finally pulled away that night, I felt like I was suspended between two worlds--one of total and complete exhaustion and one of extreme emotion. Even though I took some more TPM, I slept restlessly. I woke up early Sunday morning trying to scheme ways to stay during the interim until the rest of the family could come and we could bring BB home. I phoned Aa at 6:30 AM begging to stay. In the end, we decided I should stay one more night. It seemed like a better transition for me to leave when the others were discharged from the hospital and I just wasn't ready to leave either AB or BB just yet. But, I really missed the rest of my family, and I knew they needed me too.

After breakfast Sunday morning, I was right on time for BB's first feeding of the morning. AB wasn't up yet, so I just held him and looked at him and loved him some more.L had spent the night with AB and was still there when I brought BB to her room. We all just hung out for a while. They were both really glad that I was able to stay another day, as was Cynthia. Cynthia had set an appointment with AB to sign the relinquishment papers at 4 PM Sunday. So, as the hours passed, AB started to draw into herself. I stuck around, but the focus changed from she and I spending time together to watching tv. I understand this natural defense mechanism, but I hadn't thought ahead to expect it, and I admit, it did hurt me a little bit.

L left mid-day, so AB and I were alone for a while leading up to the meeting. She never turned off the tv, but did decide to try to nap. I stayed nearby, with BB, and read a book. Around 3, I needed to change BB's diaper. He doesn't like that! So, he began to cry, and disturbed AB. When I had him all fixed up, she asked to hold him. At 3:45 Cynthia brought the interim care parents to meet us. The plan was to spend a few minutes together and then I would go with the baby and the ICPs to another room for awhile while Cynthia did the paperwork with AB. The ICPs were not what either AB nor I were expecting and they didn't go over well with AB, so Cynthia sent us on our way. But, before I left the room, I asked AB if I could hug her. She said yes, so I did. I said a few words to her and we cried a little bit, and then I left as Cynthia stepped back in.

I truly have never been in such a desperate situation that I have ever had to consider making such a choice as AB had made. I couldn't come close to comprehending what she must be feeling as she faced the moment of finalizing the adoption plan by relinquishing her rights to her son. As I walked out of that room, my heart was so heavy. I was pushing the rolling bassinet with BB in it, but not one of my thoughts was on him. My heart felt as heavy as lead but as fragile as the thinnest glass, and about 10 steps down the hall, I collapsed (emotionally) under the weight of it. I began to sob loudly and the ICPs turned around. The IC mother held me for a few moments while I collected myself (and the people in the room whose door I was in front of peeked out to see what was the matter). I continued to weep as we walked the corridor to the little room.

I wish this was an ideal world where adoption was unnecessary--on both sides of the coin. I wish babies were only born into situations where they would flourish and that every mother had all the myriad resources and support it takes to parent successfully. I wish that every mother who has those resources and support and who desires to parent could give birth to the children she longs for. But, that's not this world. And, adoption is necessary. And, I believe that this instance, this child, this birth mother, this adoptive family were all created for each other and that this is one of the cases where adoption is truly the best option for everyone. But, the fact of the matter remains, there is much grief woven into the picture--for AB, for BB, and for me.

When we sat down in the little room, I scooped up BB and kissed his precious face with sloppy, teary-wet kisses. And as I held him, I grieved for my son, for this moment in his one-day old life was not a happy one. Then I dried my tears and turned my attention to the ICPs and we chatted about the rest of my family and the rest of theirs. They took pictures of me and BB on their IPhones and we sent them home to Aa and the kiddinkidinks, along with a video of me and BB.

For my part, I liked the ICPs. They are a retired couple and she is quiet and sweet and nurturing and her presence is a soothing, peaceful one. He is a mountain of a man and his presence would overwhelm even a large room. But, he is obviously very loving also--even with his quirks.

After some time, Cynthia came in and said that J was with AB and that she was handling it well. She dismissed the ICPs and I took BB to the nursery. Then, Cynthia and I went out to dinner--the first time I had been off the hospital grounds since arriving Friday night. We talked about what happens from here on out, and made the 18-year plan of letters, photos, and visits. I told her about God's promise to exceed my expectations with this adoption and the many ways I saw Him fulfilling the promise. I told her that we will be pursuing foster-parenting as soon as we feel up to it (I'm thinking this will be a mostly-up-to-it feeling--100% may never come!). And, she enlightened me on a few things from her 16 years' experience working with birth mothers.

I relaxed back at the guest house for a little while, calling my husband, my mom, and my sister in turn to update them. Then, I went back up to the hospital to say goodnight. It was a very short visit, and slightly awkward. J was there, but she was very removed (emotionally). AB didn't seem to know what to say to me, nor I to her. So I just said good night to them both and to BB.

Monday morning came and I didn't know if it was too soon or too late. I hadn't slept well again but I was anxious to see BB and AB again. I was planning to leave at 11 AM and the hours til then seemed too short. The pediatrician had decided BB needed a bili-bed for his jaundice on Sunday, so we weren't supposed to be holding him on Monday, except to feed and change him. Well, how can a mother--either one of us--say good-bye to her baby while he's lying in a blue-lighted bassinet. It simply wasn't possible.The nurse came in to AB's room where we were both preparing to depart and told us that she understood the situation but that he really needed to be in the bed. In fact, he was being transferred to Pediatrics and would have to stay another night because he wasn't improving. She asked who would be staying with him. I said I needed to get home to the rest of my family, but that the agency had provided for an interim family to care for him, and that the IC mother would the one to stay the night. As the nurse was asking how to contact her, AB said, "I want to stay with him." I said, "Well, we need to talk with the social worker about that." So, AB called Cynthia and explained. She said she would come on over.

When she arrived, I took BB to the other little room to say good-bye. Cynthia said a few words to AB and then came to see me. I bawled, "Cynthia, I have some really ugly feelings about AB staying with BB tonight." She held me and said, "I know you do." I said, "I'm jealous and angry and fearful." So, she began to pray. When she finished, I thanked her and said, "I know there's no reason to be afraid. I know in my head that AB is solid in her decision and that she is not going to change her mind, but heart just can't seem to grasp it."

Cynthia said, "I can't convince your heart, but I can tell you that AB has never wavered, never so much as swayed since I first met her. And, I do not see this as movement on her part. She really hasn't had much time alone with BB and perhaps she needs that; perhaps this is God's way of meeting that need for her."

I said, "Okay, I can see that, but... All this time, I have been here with them, but when I leave, there is no one left to protect my interests and I can't convince my heart to be okay with that."

She squeezed me and said, "Oh, but there is. And He will never let you down. He knows better than us what is needed in this situation and He will take care of you and BB and AB."

"You're right," I said. "You're right. My heart can't grasp that now, but I think I can get there while I drive home."

I went on to explain that I thought that part of AB's wish to stay was born out of her dislike of the ICPs because her first impression had been askew. Cynthia said she would work on that.

I said good-bye to my tiny boy-o, checked out of the guest house, and started on my way. About an hour later, Cynthia called to say that she had talked with J and they felt AB should go home and rest. Would I pray that AB would do what was best for her? I said of course I would. Later I found out that AB had gone home and that the IC mother would be staying the night. And, that they redoubled the lights on BB so that he could recover quickly. I was glad the IC mother would be staying with him because I knew that she could bear to leave him in that funny contraption!As I drove home, I sensed my thoughts and emotions detaching a little from AB and BB and turning toward Aa, Punk, and Pea. For the last two hours of my drive, I just prayed and prayed (not solidly) that God would refill my completely drained cup so that I would have something to give my precious family when I arrived home. The kiddinkies were getting ready for bed and I had the sweet privilege of snuggling them while reading their books and then tucking them in. Once they were settled in bed, I practically sat on Aa's lap on the couch. I wanted as much of me to touch as much of him as possible. I felt like I had to soak him in, love and be loved by osmosis! We talked a little as we snuggled. I told him I felt as though I had spent every emotion and every emotional reserve I ever had. It was so good to just be, just be, together.

So, now we wait. All the paperwork has to be processed by both the state of GA where he was born and the state of NC where he will live. It was all sent to GA on Wednesday (overnight) and we have not yet heard whether they have passed it on to NC. Please keep praying for a smooth process and that our family will be together again soon.

12 January 2011

I guess I've been neglecting you blog-followers again. I'm so sorry. It's just that a lot has been going on here. I know, all the more reason to blog. But, it has been hard for me to sort out what to make public when. I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of gal, and that is certainly true in the realm of blathering (tending much more toward the "all" than the "nothing" even though the blog belies me). Anyhow, blah, blah, blah, this is not the reason you read this blog (if any of you still do). So, let's get to the heart of the matter, shall we? But, first, do you have a box of tissues handy? This is about to get emotional.

For about six months Aa and I have been considering that our home study would be expiring in January. If you've been reading for a long time, you remember that God gave me a promise that He would exceed my expectations about this adoption. However, Aa has had to take my word for that this very long time as God has not given him his own revelation. Granted, Aa felt that we were on the right track, that God led us to domestic adoption, etc., etc., etc. But, he was kinda living on bread alone (and the Word of God second-hand through me). So, this issue of renewing our home study (read "spending several hundred dollars more on this seemingly endless process") was a source of stress and even, I'll admit, division between us. I just couldn't see how we could let go of that promise from God (i.e., not renew our home study so we would be ready for anything) and he just couldn't see pouring more money into the adoption abyss. So, we prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray for us. And, we heard nothing.

Meanwhile, several friends had mentioned that we might look into foster parenting. Well, we always shut them down. I felt strongly that God's promise had to do with birth parents (one of the main reasons we chose domestic over international adoption this time around) and, frankly, I was afraid of the sort of birth parents I assumed we'd be dealing with in the foster system. I also thought there would be no way I could get these aching-for-an-infant hand around a bitty baby through the system. So, we politely said, "No, that's not for us." Until... I suppose their prayers tipped the balance of our fears and the window opened and we peeked in. We began asking questions to these fostering-touting friends and eventually called DSS to find out more from the horse's mouth. Funny how knowledge makes fears seem so silly! When we got our questions answered, we found that we could probably be pretty good foster parents after all!

So, on November 30 (see timeline to the right), a social worker from DSS came to our house and answered more questions and gave us reams of paperwork to fill out. After she left, Aa and I looked at each other and decided to go ahead and apply. BUT, there was still a hurdle for me, an emotional reining in. I had expected to feel definitely one way or the other about fostering after the meeting, but I didn't. I felt more like, "there's no reason not to" than excited or afraid. Still, I figured, we'll learn lots more at the classes we need to attend and maybe then the feelings will come.

Then, ninety minutes after the DSS sw left, I was driving to the school to pick up the kids and my phone rang. It was our adoption agency in GA. I was sure she was calling to tell me our paperwork was expiring and that we needed to make a decision about whether to renew or not. But, she told me she was actually calling because another birth mom had chosen our family for her baby! You could have knocked me over with a feather (except that the seat in the car is pretty supportive). It was the last thing I had expected. I think I had really given up on that route. Of course, I cried and sputtered and tried to take in the details of the situation. Then I called Aa and cried and sputtered and tried to tell him some of the details.

And, then, reality sunk in. Because of certain aspects of this situation, the adoption fees would be higher than we were anticipating. Plus, we would certainly have to renew our home study since the baby's due date was the same as our home study's expiration date! The financial pressure, right as Christmas was coming on full-steam, and just as Aa got himself a hernia that needed to be operated on right away, well, let's just say it was a little overwhelming. I'm usually the one who has all the faith in the world in financial things and I need Aa's realism to temper me. I was very afraid, though, that this time he would be wrong, that he would say, "We can't afford this; let's just pursue the foster thing." But, one day, he called me from work and said, "I would regret for the rest of my life if we passed up this opportunity just because of money. We'll make it happen. Whatever it takes, we'll make it happen." I'm crying again recounting this to you. And I just have to say on the public record that I know I am blessed beyond measure with this man of mine. There's no one else I'd rather have at the helm of my family.

Now that we had made our decision, Satan decided it was time to really mess things up. Our agency then called to tell us there may be a problem with getting our state to agree to our taking custody of the child. The baby is in what they call a "legal risk" situation where the birth father hasn't signed relinquishment and the courts will have to terminate rights in his absence after the birth. This means there is a window of opportunity for him to come forward and claim the baby and we would have to surrender him to the father. Another family from our state was having trouble over that issue and until it was resolved, we couldn't proceed with our match. So, we began to pray and we asked many others to pray, and I know that other family was praying and gathering others to pray.

It was touch-and-go for a few weeks, but finally the word came back that the other family had been approved and that we could go ahead with our plans to meet the birth mother on December 21st. My parents came to town for Christmas the weekend before that, so they took Punk and Pea to see a movie (in 3-D!!!) and to the indoor playground, while we traveled to GA and back in a day! As we drove up to the restaurant where we had planned to meet our birth mom and her case worker, the butterflies in my stomach took flight. Touch up the lipstick, stroke down the fly-away hairs, straighten the sweater, and... go! We walked in and two women were sitting there waiting, one middle-aged and one in her 20's with a darling baby bump. The latter woman stood up and came right to me with her arms open wide (oh, here comes an ugly cry--I'm glad y'all can't see me as I type this!). She wrapped herself around me in what can only be called an embrace and put her head on my chest and silently cried. She held on for what seemed like minutes. I have no idea how long it really was. But, if that was all that had happened that day, it would have been more than worth the 14 hours of driving. It was truly one of the most precious, salient moments of my life.

We wound up talking for almost two hours, during which all four of us shed tears. She seemed to fully grasp how hard it would be to live without this baby in her arms, while at the same time recognizing the hope she was giving him. She showed us ultra-sound pictures, and despite US pics being what they are, I can confidently say this is the gol-darndest cutest baby being born in 2011! We asked her how she came to choose adoption for her son and she said that she'd made an appointment at the abortion clinic. But, when she went in there, she just couldn't do it. She said, "I can't do this to this baby; it's not the baby's fault." So, thank you to all of you who pray for women who plan to have abortions. Our baby's is one life you've been instrumental in saving.

Also, she asked if I could be there for her while she labors and delivers the baby! I am so humbled and honored. I am very much looking forward to getting to know her better and to starting our relationship by serving her. No service could be sweeter to me. She is being induced THIS SATURDAY!!!! So, I am driving down Friday afternoon/evening so I'll be on hand in the morning. If you pray, please cover this incredible day (or two?!) in prayers.

Aa made this beautiful memory box for our birth mom. I'll give it to her this weekend before the birth. It's sized perfectly to hold the photos and letters we will send about the baby.
Now you're up to date! So, what happens next? Well, I'll have to come home and baby will go into interim care for about 10 days. Then, we'll go to GA, sign some papers, and bring our baby boy home! It's still hard for me to believe, even with the pack-n-play set up in our room and his drawers starting to fill with itty-bitty socks and such! It's been six and a half years since I've had a newborn!

Oh, and we haven't closed the door on fostering either. It's plain to us that God drove us in that direction for a reason. So, at some point, maybe as soon as the fall, we will go ahead and begin fostering as well!

And, I have a little homework for YOU! Birth mom and baby both need blog-names. Hit the "Comment" button to make suggestions! Thanks!

7 September 2010

You owe this post to Facebook. Usually, you should blame FB for my lack of posts. I get lazy about posting here because I keep in touch a lot through FB. But, one reason I'm here today is because a friend warned me (through FB) that I was in danger of losing my entire readership through lack of posting. And, I'm here today also because I ran across the following quote on FB this morning and wanted to process it in writing.

"Only those who can see the invisible can achieve the impossible." from the eulogy of Ida Scudder, medical missionary to India.

At the end of last week, I was feeling miserable and ready to throw in the towel on this adoption process. I was ready to move on, enjoy the family I have and stop "wasting time" imagining the family I dream of. I was weary of hoping, weary of waiting. I was choosing to give audience to the rationale that a new baby would disturb our equilibrium and that adding a new birthfamily to the mix was even crazier. I was looking at all the items on the "con" side of the list, ignoring the "pros" and possibilities.

But, then Sunday. As an aside, I feel like "but then Sunday" could define a lot of the renewings in my life. Whatever you may say against church or Church, there's just something about it that recharges my batteries and realigns my vision and resets my thinking. I really wouldn't want to have to do without. Anyhow, this Sunday was one of those "but then" Sundays. I went to church discouraged, weary of hoping, as I said. At our church, there is always a time for people who need a personal touch from God to get prayed for. I rarely go up front during this time, but I did it this week. As it happened, Pastor Tim was the one who prayed for me. He prayed, but he also told me to just wait for his sermon. He would be addressing this very thing.

We're in a series about Joseph (the OT one) the choices he made and the effects they had on his life. This message was "Will you throw a fit when you're in the pit?" :) Joseph had his dreams about succeeding to higher position than his older brothers. In fact, his dad gave him a supervisory role over them. Hence, they hatched their plot to kill him. They revised their scheme, though, and threw Joe in a pit instead. So, Joe had some choices to make in the pit. How would he respond? Would he give up on his dreams? Curse God? Scheme right back against his brothers? Or, would he trust God with his dreams?

God gave us a dream about our family. We tasted a little bit of the dream back in May. But since then (and even before that to some extent), we've been hanging out in the pit, waiting for something to happen. And the longer we wait, the more unrealistic the dream seems. I'm sure that was true for Joseph too. I mean, his big move was from the pit into slavery. Sure looks like success is just around the corner!

The fact is for us that God seems a bit silent right now. He hasn't said "Quit. Move on. Enjoy your family of four and stop expecting more." But, it feels like He hasn't thrown us a bone since the disappointment of May. It's hard to deal with silence. I talked to a friend this afternoon who reminded me that we often say we want to know God's will when we really want to know His plans. Well, He has made His will abundantly clear in His Word. His plans, on the other hand, He reveals in tiny snatches, like the dreams He gave Joseph, or the promise He gave me. But, His silence doesn't invalidate His promise. And, like Joseph (and countless others), I can trust Him in spite of my circumstances. And, in spite of His silence.

So, I can see the invisible. He's shown it to me by faith. The end result probably won't end up looking the way I've pictured it. But, it will be good. It will be better than I expect. And it just might wind up being the biggest celebration of my life to date!

15 June 2010

Saturday evening, A and I had the opportunity to go to a leadership development event at our church. The speaker was Dr. Frank Harvey, our pastor's pastor, who also spoke at our regular church services Sunday morning. (What follows is a blend of what Dr. Harvey taught in all three messages and what I think about it. If you find any wrong thinking, it's mine!) He spoke about God's creative power in us. God is a creative God and since we bear His image, we are creative too. In His power, we can be a part of bringing into existence new things, things that haven't been seen or done before. But, in order to do that, we first must see the new thing. We have to see beyond what is to what can be, what will be, what God wants to bring into our reality. That's why God is a giver of visions, dreams--so that we can see what He wants to do.

A while back I blogged about the similarities between our journey of faith with the adoption and Abraham and Sarah's walking out their faith in God's promise to them. Pastor Frank brought up Abe and Sarah's story and how God gave Abe a vision of his descendants when He told him to look at the number of stars in the sky. It takes faith to believe that what God has shown you will become reality. In fact, Hebrews 11:13 says "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance." Before the promises were made reality, Abe and the others saw the truth and believed.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Now, I've heard this verse many, many times before, but I got to thinking about that word "evidence." Evidence is the proof of something that happened. Evidence is the result of something. Evidence in the courtroom is something left behind that tells the story of what happened, or it can be the testimony of an eye-witness. So, "evidence" of something that hasn't happened yet is a bit of an oxymoron. I think I may have even heard a movie line once to the effect that you can't prove what hasn't yet occurred (bonus points if someone can tell me where I got that!). It's like the very fact that He told me He was going to exceed my expectations regarding this next adoption, and I believed Him, is the proof that it will happen. Faith is the proof that what is not yet reality will someday come to pass. Kinda trippy, huh?

Other translations of Hebrews 11:1 relate the first part of the verse as "Faith is the substance of things hoped for..." Substance. Substance is observable. Touchable. Holdable. It has weight and reality. In fact the Greek word can be translated as "basis, foundation" or even "existence." Faith is the foundation of our hope. It sounds almost cyclical--we hope something God promised will come to be because we have faith. Our faith supports our hope and makes it real. Faith is the part of the promise that exists in our present reality. It's not some namby-pamby hope like "I hope it doesn't rain today." Not a wish. Not something left to chance. But a reality.

In my situation, I KNOW that God will come through. I don't know how I know. I don't have to work up the knowing. I just KNOW. He said it; He'll do it. He showed me what He could do and I know He'll do even better than that! I've never really had faith like this before. Maybe that's why I never really considered the faith-evidence oxymoron before. Just something I'm thinking through.

18 May 2010

Our birth mother changed her mind. She texted her case worker last week and has been incommunicado ever since. Under pressure from her family, she has elected to raise the baby after all. He'll be born by c-section tomorrow.

On the afternoon I received the call last week, I saw my fleecy pull-over lying on the floor of my bedroom. I wanted to put it on to comfort me, but it was a hot day. I thought, "I need to put on Jesus like a fleecy sweater." And, He has comforted me.

I'm still sad and tomorrow will be a hard day for me. But, I've had time to come to grips with it. Time to struggle with hope and to wrestle with what to pin my hope to. Sometimes I have fought in prayer for that baby to become mine against all odds. For obstacles to be placed in the way of this plan, just as they were placed in the way of the abortion attempts early in the pregnancy. I have prayed for the birth mom and her father (who demanded the change of direction). I have prayed that no matter what happens, no matter who ends up raising this child, that there would be zero regrets, zero resentment, and zero rejection. I wouldn't grieve for the mom and baby so much if I could be sure that they will live without those three Rs.

And, as trite as it sounds, I know that God will bring us a child and He will fulfill His promise to me (to exceed my expectations) in another way. At first I couldn't believe that. I was so certain that this child was the fulfillment of the promise. And, I do believe God meant that baby for our family. I don't really understand the interworkings of His sovereignty and our free will any more than anyone else does, but I can believe that God wanted that baby to come to our family and that human frailty caused it not to happen. I also believe that He can and will still fulfill that promise. The bar of my expectation has been raised a lot since He made the promise and even more since He allowed me to taste a fulfillment of it, but He is so much more than my mind can contain. He can blow my mind again. And again. And again. I don't know how He'll do it, but I KNOW He will.

When I first got the news, I didn't know what to hope for, what to believe for. Now I do. I just have to keep believing the promise He gave me. He showed me He's totally capable of exceeding my expectations. Somehow, that taste of His glory makes me even more sure that He is going to fulfill His promise. Though I am disappointed that this chapter is not ending the way we thought it would, somehow it has strengthened my faith. Somehow I can believe and hope better than I had been hoping and believing before we rode this section of the roller coaster.

I guess that's something of the mystery of faith.

Nope, there's still no news about our current adoption. Uuuugh. I had a friend ask, kindly, not long ago what had gone wrong. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing has happened at all. We've been waiting for a match since August and it feels like it's been a really long wait.

People often recommend other agencies or going the foster care route. We're not opposed to these, but we just don't feel that is the path God has called us to. It's so tempting to "widen the net" and I went so far as to do an afternoon of internet research on other possible agencies. But, it just feels wrong. I feel like we have the freedom to sign on with another agency, but it would not be an act of obedience. In fact, I feel like it would be the opposite--an "act of lack of faith" so to speak. A hit the nail on the head when he said it feels a bit like Abraham and Sarah--having the promise of a child and finding our own way to hurry the blessing into being. That didn't turn out so well for them in the long run.

I have no idea why it is taking so long for us. It's a tremendous act of faith to give up my jealousy when I hear of another family (sometimes even a family who wasn't trying to be matched!) receiving a match. It's a tremendous act of faith to stay here. To stay right where we are. To not back out and give up. To not get anxious and move in to areas God has not directed us to go. I doubt Abe and Sarah felt like God had a good reason for delaying their promised child. I doubt they even understood His reasons after Isaac arrived. When Abraham was walking his son up the mountain to sacrifice him, he probably was still wondering why God had made them wait so long for this child, especially since the plan was just to kill him young anyway. But, Abraham let the question remain and acted on faith instead. I guess we're not so unlike that. There are lots of questions without answers, but we have to go the direction of faith. So, no foster care, no changing or adding agencies, just staying the course and waiting. And hoping. And believing.

As the days pass by so quickly, as I look at Punk and Pea growing and growing, as I think about registering Pea for Kindergarten in the coming weeks, I feel increasing pressure to get "my baby" home NOW. I also feel strong temptation to change the game plan, explore other options--international adoption or foster to adopt or adopting through the state--options we've considered and considered again and opted against.

There are several reasons we've chosen domestic infant adoption, and those reasons still stand. First of all, we really want to have relationship with the first family. I miss that terribly for Pea and wonder when it will become an "issue" for her. We really want this new family member to have the opportunity to know and understand his roots. And, while we are confident that God will fill in the gaps in Pea's life, we also believe that being related to a birthmom through our second adoption will be a part of her healing. The other thing is that I just want to do the baby thing one more time. I loved, loved, loved experiencing the first year of Punk's life and I miss that we didn't have that with Pea. I miss it more than I thought I would. There are other issues with international adoption being expensive and difficult, but the fact that we would miss out on the beginning of our child's life and be unable to keep up with his first family are more weighty reasons.

So, I was thinking through all this again today, driving home from the grocery store, telling God how important it is that He brings this baby to us sooner than later. Reminding Him that the age gap is just getting wider by the day. Asking Him whether we should look at other options. That's when I remembered we'd been through the other options already. I felt Him gently say, "You wouldn't be satisfied." Yes, that's true. I wouldn't. "Are you willing to wait? If you do, I promise you will be more than satisfied." Oh, yes. How could I forget that about You! How could I forget that He is working it all together in just the right way. He has that birth family that will be part of the fulfillment of our family. He has that baby whose babyhood I will tenderly cherish. He's working out the scenario that will more than satisfy the desires of my heart. If I'll just be patient.