I was just sitting here contemplating (in a rather melancholy mood) whom I could bug about Pence's situation. Patty's back in Liberia...the US staff is in the midst of major transition...Jocelyn learned a lot about the normal stuff, but probably doesn't know the first thing about Pence's situation. Okay, now I'm crying. I just feel like I don't know ANYTHING about what's going on with him. I know he's stuck in Firestone Hospital and that his family is all dead. I know he's healthy and happy and doesn't really know what he's missing. I know Patty is fighting for him as much as if she was adopting him herself, but that everything she's tried has been a dead end. That's all I know. I don't even know what the hold-up is or who's responsible for not allowing him to be adopted. Or why? Or how he'll ever be freed...or *if* he'll ever be freed.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't be indulging those thoughts. I had been saying we'd be bringing Pence home sometime during 2007, but now that we're this far into this year, I'm not even going to say that anymore. I have to keep telling myself to look beyond the circumstances and to trust God and forget about Patty or Dr. Sherman or anyone else.

So, we're still expecting Pea's adoption to finalize in June and that we'll be traveling in August or September. I don't know how I'm going to handle visiting Pence while we're there, knowing we'll have to leave him and possibly not knowing when we'll be back for him even then. Amy, who's adopting Mama, who's also at Firestone Hosp., said there's only two 30-minute visiting periods each day. And, I doubt we'd have anywhere near the freedom to take Pence out with us like Jocelyn had with Isaac because the Hospital would no doubt fear we'd never return him! (And they'd certainly be justified in that fear!)

Ya know, we got into this whole thing because about 15 months ago, I dared to complain to God (foolish girl!) that my mediocre middle-class life was boring me and that I wanted more of Him! (tears again) What I really wanted was to be babied, like new Christians who get to hear God's voice around every corner and get every prayer answered immediately. I wanted some warm-fuzzies from heaven. I didn't want to have to be a big girl (I'm mentally stomping my foot and actually pouting)! I wasn't expecting to have to be a mature Christian who experiences more of God through difficulties instead of ease. It sounds all noble when the Apostles say stuff like they actually want to experience more of Christ through suffering and other such counter-cultural oddities. But, I don't want to be noble. I want to be...well, comfortable, mediocre, perhaps a little bit bored.

My life has always been easy and this waiting for Pence with layer upon layer of the unknown is the biggest exercise of my faith ever.
God alone.
God alone.
God alone.
He's the only One who knows what and why and how. He's the only One I can trust. And, somehow, I just keep grasping for someone else...anyone else. What in the world is wrong with me?! Somehow I'd rather blog than pray. And now that Punk is up from his nap, I'll be closing this blog in exchange for games on pbskids.org. Maybe that'll at least take my mind off things until I have a moment of serenity to repent for my 15-months-ago-grumbling-spirit. Or, something like that.