The Five of Us, Spring 2014

The Five of Us, Spring 2014

We Went to the Aquarium--and My Eyes Stung

We took Punky to the Shedd Aquarium yesterday because it was their discount day. He likes to talk about snakes and sharks and dragons, so I thought he might like the Aquarium. They have a temporary display of lizards right now--including a Komodo Dragon. Punk was excited about the chance to see a real, live dragon. Unfortunately, if you know anything about reptiles, you know the chances of him doing ANYTHING at all were pretty much slim to none. And, that's what he was doing...nothing. Oh well. We did get to see several sharks in a really cool floor-to-ceiling tank. I could have sat in front of that tank for a long time. If I didn't have an active three-year-old in tow. Or, rather, if he didn't have me in tow.

We also saw the Marine Mammal Behavioral Display, which I guess is Aquariumese for "Dolphin Show." It was generally fairly boring as they tried to educate us rather than just purely entertain us (all the toddlers and I felt like throwing our full-color maps at the educators!), but we did get to see a few good tricks. Now, my e-friends and stalkers, here is a little window into my world. I'm a cryer. I cry for lots of reasons. One of which is any episode of "Little House on the Prairie." Another of which is figure skating competitions on tv (I've never been to a live one to test the hypothesis). And, here's the really ridiculous part (and the dolphin-show connection, if you can believe it): I cry during figure-skating because I'm so darn proud of those beautiful strangers who can complete such fabulous feats. Ridiculous, isn't it. No, I've never even attempted figure skating, nor do I know anyone who is a figure skater. It's just something about the fact that human beings can do something so beautiful. I have these moments of teary pride in strangers who can do amazing things in random pockets throughout my life (imagine what kind of side-line mom I'm going to become!!!!). And, I had one of those moments in honor of the dolphins yesterday. How cracked is that?!

Well, I think it was really a case of my emotions "coming out sideways." All this transition and change is pretty dang emotional for me, but I've mostly been stuffing it. I haven't had a good cry (maybe we should rent a movie tonight!), I haven't poured my heart out to Jesus or Aaron or anyone. And, I really should. But, I feel a little stuck. Like I don't want to burden anyone further (because, you know, anyone I would confide in is in the midst of dealing with aspects of the same changes I'm facing). I'm also not entirely sure what it is that I'm feeling. Of course, once I tap the dam, everything is likely to spew on out. And, that would take a long time. Time I don't feel like I really have. Because you know, it's not just the leaving of the home I kinda thought I'd live in forever and it's not just starting a new job that I only have a vague sense of, and it's not just being intimidated by the job, and it's not just finding a new church family and a whole new set of "local friends," and it's not just being practically unreachable to Papa and GG (A's parents), and it's not just the uncertainty swirling like a tornado around Pence, and it's not just that my I171H expires next month and the Boise USCIS never got back to me about renewing it and I never got refingerprinted in Boise so now I'll have to get a whole new homestudy and fingerprints and I600A/I171H before Pea's ready to travel in a couple of months, and it's not just that the Christmas stocking I'm cross-stitching for her is less than 1/10th finished, and it's not just that I don't know if she'll be home for Christmas anyway, and it's not just that I'm suddenly going to be a working mother for the first time in my life and I really don't know how I feel about that and whether the guilt I know I feel is appropriate, and it's not just that my dad just converted to night-shift and I have to try to keep the rambunctious three-year-old quiet until noon every day, and it's not just a lot of things. See what I mean? Emoting about each one of those things is worth a good hour of talk-time, and how many topics did I just list? 20? 200?

Anyone got a few days I could borrow?

(Note: Aaron just read this. He said he had no idea I was feeling so overwhelmed and he promised we could tackle one or two issues per night!)

7 comments:

Mrs. MK said...

Oh, Rachel, I'm sorry! That is quite a list and I can't blame you for not even wanting to start crying!!

I'll be praying for you!

jaz said...

Emotions "coming out sideways"... I'm sooo going to use that! ;0) I'm praying for you, girlfriend!
Love,
Jamie :0)

Teresa said...

Rachel,
I'm glad I finally met someone who cries at iceskating too! :)

I hope just writing things out helped a little...just throw it all out there and say "Help, help, help God!" I think that was Anne Lamont's favorite prayer...if you've ever read any of her books. (they might be good for you now!)
I'll be praying for your job transition. Thankfully you'll be dealing with (hopefully) some pretty forgiving moms!

Denise Nelson said...

How is an elephant eaten? One bite at a time. Remember everything you accomplish is one less thing to do. Whenever we moved, I considered it a victory every time I emptied a box! See I accomplished something today! I know you've got alot to learn about AOH, churches, etc. and I am praying for you and future staff to come around you.

Denise in MI

Becky said...

I just wanted to say that I'm a crier, too. The worst for me are the Hallmark commercials during a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie.

Anyone ever see the one with the woman who gets a Mother's Day card from her husband to tell her that they have been chosen to adopt a baby? Or the one at Christmas where the little boy always sang with his big brother, but his older brother has been away at college and can't make it through the snow. His little brother watches out the window as everyone is arriving, looking for his big brother. Finally, he has to be brave and sing without him, but MIRACUOUSLY, big brother shows up, sneaks up behind him, and finishes the song with him??? sniff sniff I'm starting to tear up already!

Those commercials are DEADLY for criers like me. : )

Rae~ You have so much transition going on right now and so many things that are uncertain and in limbo. Your feelings are very valid and I'm glad that you have Aaron to share them with. You are going to be a great team for AOH.

Enjoy the beauty of Wisconsin's Fall.

Love,
Becky

Rachel said...

i love you rachel....sending BIG e-hugs

from the other rachel (josie's mom)

Tami said...

I cry EVERY TIME I watch Little House, so I have to be careful. I can overdose on tear-jerker TV!

Glad A is there to comfort you - cleave to your hubby!

Much love from your friend who keeps HOPING you will call, but doesn't want to bug you if you don't have time,

Tami

My Man and Me

My Man and Me
married 7/7/2001

Punk

Punk
ours through biology, born 7/25/2004, home 8/1/2004

Pea

Pea
ours through adoption from Liberia, West Africa, born 7/15/2005, home 10/25/2007

Pup

Pup
ours through domestic adoption, born 1/15/2011, home 2/10/2011, final 8/3/2011

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Round Two Timeline

  • 9/24/08 Home study update home visit for Ghana adoption
  • 10/15/08 Dossier sent to AOHG
  • 10/15/08 I600A application sent to USCIS
  • 10/30/08 First heard about possible domestic private adoption
  • 11/18/08 Last spoke with contact about possible domestic adoption; expected to hear back about meeting with birthmother
  • 12/3/08 Withdrew application from AOHG
  • 1/6/09 Found out another family had been chosen for possible domestic adoption
  • 1/21/09 USCIS fingerprinting appointment
  • 1/8/09 Received USCIS fingerprinting appointment notice
  • 4/11/09 Sent Pre-Application to Covenant Care Adoptions for Domestic Infant Adoption program
  • 6/8/09 Social worker visit to update home study from International to Domestic
  • 7/24/09 Received completed home study update
  • 8/25/09 Went "on the list" for birthfamilies to choose from
  • 4/28/10 Found out a birth mom had chosen us
  • 5/8/10 Met the birth mom
  • 5/11/10 Got the call that birth mom changed her mind
  • 5/19/10 Birth mom's scheduled c-section
  • 11/30/10 Visit from DSS sw about foster parenting
  • 11/30/10 Got the call that another birth mom had chosen us
  • 12/21/10 Met with the birth mom
  • 1/15/11 @1:42 PM BB was born!
  • 1/19/11 ICPC (interstate) paperwork sent to GA for approval
  • 1/31/11 ICPC Clearance Approved
  • 2/10/11 Placement Ceremony and Pup comes home!!!!
  • 8/3/11 It's Official! Pup's Adoption Decree was issued