Well, we're coming up to the end of our fast. Sunday, we'll break the fast together at church with communion (which amuses me, because if we used whole grain bread and drank 100% juice, it would be totally "fast food" anyway!). I've been averaging a pound lost (hopefully forever) a week with just the dietary changes. I haven't really been hungry because I find that there is still plenty to eat. I'm already contemplating giving up the grains next year, though, because I could very happily live off of whole grain bread and fruit juice any 21 days of the year.

But, despite the lack of real physical challenge, I have experienced spiritual challenges during the fast. I've already been a bit long-winded about those, so I won't belabor the point. But, coming to the end of the fast, I also feel a bit like I'm coming to the end of myself. At least in the realm of trying to figure out family member #5. No matter how hard I try, I just cannot fathom where this little person is or what the next step toward finding zem* is. I daydream about this child frequently and dream up wild scenarios about how zhe* might come to us. But, none of it is really from God (though I do believe the desire itself is); it's just me trying in my own strength and "wisdom" (boy, is it a bad misuse of that word!) to, really, do God's job for Him. To rush Him along. To get ahead of Him. Uuuurgh. Die, darn flesh!

The Bible says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the LORD and turn your back on evil. Then you will gain renewed health and vitality." (Prov. 3:5-8) Not only have I been depending on my own wisdom and understanding, I also kinda stopped seeking His will. Almost like these two are mutually exclusive--either I'm focused on Him and what He's doing around me and joining Him in it, or I'm lost in my own fantasy world, trying to get what I want. Obviously, a realignment is in order.

*This is a gender neutral personal pronoun. They're new. My sister taught me about them. They have evolved to handle the gender vagueries becoming more prevalent these days (transgendered folks and the like), but also come in handy when you don't know the gender of the person you are talking about like with an unborn child or a hoped-for child. There are many different forms of gender neutral personal pronouns right now and none has taken precedence over the others yet. I like "zem" because the letter z is common in the movement, e is taken from "her" and m is taken from "him"--or em could be taken from "them" (which is an improper use of the plural to fix the problem that there is no singular gender neutral pronoun). Zhe would be the counterpart to he/she in this instance.