15 March 2011

(Editor's note: One of these days I'll quit apologizing for being such an infrequent visitor to my own blog. But, not today. I'm sorry I've been away so long again. It's just that I rarely sit at the computer with both hands free these days. And it's hard enough to IM one-handed, much less to type in an entire blog entry!)
So, our sweet little Pup has been home over a month now, but there are still times that I feel like a fraud. It washes over me sometimes when I'm just driving around with my thoughts and my baby in the backseat. A feeling that I'm just the babysitter. It's trivial and passes quickly when I have the littlest love of my life in my arms. But, I also feel fraudish when strangers begin to talk to me about my baby. They'll say things like, "Oh where did he get that curly hair!?!" or "My! How can you be so skinny so soon after giving birth?" They are well-intentioned and blissfully ignorant, but since they are strangers, I don't feel any reason to go into all the ins and outs of how Pup came to our family. So, I smile awkwardly and mumble my "thank yous" and feel like a fraud inside.

When Pea came home to us, it was obvious to everyone that she was not born of my loins. But, even though Pup is "browning up" some, the logical conclusion is that I birthed him. A friend pointed out (from her experience) that Pup looks a lot like AB, which makes the fact that I'm the chronologically second mom very obvious (to me, at least). And, somehow, being second chronologically can make one feel inferior in other ways too. Also, there are still legal t's to be crossed and i's to be dotted. Living in this limbo certainly contributes to the fraudy feelings.
People often say it's the relationship that matters more than the legal definition of it. And, 98% of the time, I do feel like I really am Pup's mama. Bonding is going well in both directions. But, there is something to that little piece of paper that will say he's all mine and I'm all his. I doubt I'll feel fraudish at all after that.

Anyway, I was glad my friend shared her experiences with me and let me know I'm not alone. And I thought that there might be someone reading this who would benefit from knowing the same. :)