Where to begin? First of all, you simply must read this. Then come back. Please. Please, come back. Please don't love Jamie more than me. My fragile ego can't handle that.

There are a lot of things kinda bouncing around in my brain today. I tried to verbally process with Aaron and then with a girlfriend by phone, but these things are hardly more crystallized than before. Maybe writing it out will help solidify it. Then, again, maybe it's unsolidifiable. (YES, of COURSE that's a word. Sheesh.)

I know I talk a lot about that "divine dissatisfaction" that's been rumbling around these parts like an ever-nearing thunder. I hope it doesn't bore you. I mean, just because I find it mesmerizing like a train wreck doesn't mean you do. Ya know, it's my life, so it's infinitely interesting to me. The rest of you get to choose, I guess. (See what I mean about not even knowing where to start?!)

Today's sermon was about faith. If you're anything like me, you're bored already. But, it was actually pretty fresh. I think the guest speaker (Marty) and I were pretty much on the same wave-length. For instance, he brought up the verse that says God is able to do infinitely more than we could ever dream up. His conclusion? There's a lot more to this God thing than we have experienced so far! That's exactly how I feel. That's what the divine dissatisfaction is all about, really. There's so much more to God...and we want to grab a hold and take the wild ride! Well, kinda. Cuz sometimes it scares me just to think about it, so I have to wonder if I'll survive the living of it. But, most of the time, it's exciting. Or, as Marty's wife later declared: "Scary fun. It's never scary without the fun, but it's never fun without the scary either." Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

He also talked about "dream seeds" and how God puts stuff in your heart and life and then weaves them together eventually, but they start out as just these dream seeds. And, about hearing the voice of God and getting confirmation from His Word and character. So all those things intertwine and work together to get us where He's going (that's the point right? following Him?). So, what are your dream seeds? (Really, tell me. Go hit the comment button and share. I'd love to know. Or, you could be like Mary and write a whole entry on your own blog--just be sure to let me and my stalkers know it's there!)

One of mine is about community. WAAAAAAY back when I first started experiencing the reality of God (rather than just religion), in about 1995, God clearly emblazoned two Scriptures on my heart. I just knew, don't ask me how, but I just knew that my whole life would be about these two things. Ps 68:6 "God places lonely people in families." And, Titus 2:3-5 which basically says that the older women are to live rightly and to teach the younger women to do the same so that no one will be able to say anything nasty about God. I had no idea (in some ways, I still don't) what that would look like in my life, but I knew that's what my life would be about. I guess since y'all don't live in my head, I should explain how the two are connected (in my head anyway). It has always seemed to me that the best way to learn and teach is in the context of relationship. Not just loosey-goosey relationship, but real-life, hard-core, nitty-gritty, raw, life-giving relationship. Like the kind you find in great families. And, another word for families that aren't really related? Community. Again, not some namby-pamby version, but real, raw community.

So far, I've seen a tish of fulfillment, but I'm brimming over with anticipation of what MORE this could mean. I lived in the dorms, with my door open, throughout my college career. Then I lived with nine other women in a home during my internship. (Cute side note: First two things I learned about Aaron, before I ever met him: (1) he was single, (2) he had just bought a house, this house, with the intention of living in community!) And, the second year of our marriage, we had 2 students living with us. None of it really fits my vision of living in real community, but they were good attempts and great experiences.

A few months ago, I read The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. He talks a bit about the power of living in community, and he's experienced a lot more of it than I have. His experiences widened my views. (sorry, having trouble crystallizing again)

Then, I just finished reading Too Small to Ignore: Why Children are the Next Big Thing by Wess Stafford, president and CEO of Compassion, Intnat'l (a child-focused poverty-relief agency). Wess grew up in Ivory Coast, West Africa (Liberia's neighbor) where his parents were missionaries in a remote village. When Americans say, "It takes a village" (who started that? Was it Hilary Clinton?), I think we have no idea. Most of us have never seen how a village "works." But, Wess knows. Wess grew up in a village that is probably remarkably similar to the type of village Pea grew up in. His description of the village's values and how the whole place was like one big family, interdependent upon one another, intimately involved in each others' lives, so much so that they could meet each other's unspoken needs... well, that just resonates with me. That just sounds like the kind of setting where I could live and love like Jesus. It sounds like the kind of place that authentic generational learning and teaching could take place. It sounds like the kind of place where lonely people are absorbed into the fabric of family and community. And, no, it doesn't sound ideal or utopic (yep, that's a word too--on my little bloggity blog at least), but it does sound like a place where my values would be at home.

Another of my dream seeds has to do with the terrible injustice of poverty and especially the pandemic of HIV/AIDS. I have no idea how to end poverty. I barely have a concept of how to start chipping away at it. I know that money doesn't solve poverty (have you ever noticed that even money isn't really about money?). I also have no idea how to get ARVs into the communities in Africa (and India and nearly everywhere else) where they are desperately needed. I don't know how to stop the stigma or the spread. But I want to. I really, really want to have something to do with the end of both diseases.

And, then there's this incredible affinity with Liberia. No, I've never been there. Not even close (unless you count India and that looks about as far away on the wall map as Boise). It's like when I was pregnant with Punky, and I'd be thinking about him and I'd have to pull the car over because the tears were obstructing my view. How do you love someone that much when you've never met? It's the same way I feel about Pence and Pea. I love them dearly, but I've never met them. Thankfully the features in their photos are infinitely easier to discern than Punk's ultrasound pics were. Why do I have such a yearning, such a pulling toward a country I've never set foot in and know nearly nothing about? Is it because my family will be inextricably intertwined with this country forever more? No, it's more than that. I can't explain it.

So, what does all this add up to? I don't know. My friend asked me today if I thought I'd live here in Boise indefinitely. A year ago there wouldn't be a question in my mind. I couldn't think of any place else that even came close. Now, I know we won't be here long (in the biblical sense of like 5-40 years), but I can't really say where we're going, when, or what we'll be doing. I feel like we're on the edge of something, waiting to hear "JUMP!"

I won't even ask how high--I'll just plug my nose and plunge right in!