The Five of Us, Spring 2014

The Five of Us, Spring 2014

What I Realized (Again) This Weekend

(Note: This is my second post today. If you want to read in order (which might help), just scroll down to "Living Inside Out")

I rarely get a new revelation in this life. I really can't think of anything really, truly new that I've learned lately. It's not that I think I already know everything and have nothing new to learn, it's just that most of my "aha!"s are really just new layers of stuff I already kinda learned. (or stuff I really know and just don't DO yet!)

So, one of my big revelations this weekend was what an awesome man I married. I mean, really, I just don't think many marriages are this way. It's like we're just natural partners and we flow together so well. I don't think I have the submission in marriage thing mastered yet (it's only been 5.75 years! ;P), but I do think we have this head-&-not-the-head thing pretty well in hand. It's kinda hard to explain, and I'm not really sure what about this weekend brought it to clarity for me, but here's an example. Back when we had that conflict with our friends (click here for a refresher), Aaron spoke for "us" quite a bit during the big confrontation-conversation while I was too full of all kinds of emotions to say anything becoming or life-giving at all. It was all my fault. The entire problem between them and us began because of my bad attitude, yet there was my gem of a husband talking about how "we" feel and how "we" screwed up and how "we" were sorry. I know from the outside looking in, it may sound really ugly and anti-feminist to have this kind of relationship with my husband, it may seem demeaning and as if I don't have the freedom to have my own voice or to speak on my own behalf. Or, from another perspective, it might seem really gross and co-dependent that Aaron would take my burden on himself. But, the reality of living in this kind of partnership and submission is one of complete freedom to be myself--my best self. By having Aaron (who is by far the more gracious of us in stressful/emotional situations) to speak on my behalf, I was able to get a grip on myself. He lovingly gave me the freedom to go through the lengthy process of sorting out my feelings and getting rid of the really ugly, selfish ones before I had to express myself to our friends. The real me was able to come forward because Aaron's graciousness in speaking immediately what I would be able to speak in my own words and with more completeness the next day saved me from being nasty in the heat of the confrontation. I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well, especially to those who haven't had this experience.

Aaron has the highest, best character I've ever seen in anyone. And, there is such an intimacy between us that I can trust him to speak accurately on my behalf. And, I'm so humbled and appreciative that there is such partnership that a problem I brought on myself, he was so willing to share. He didn't remove my responsibility or get me off the hook. He simply got us all to a place where I could take the responsibility for my wrong attitude and make my peace. He advocated for me and smoothed the path to reconcilliation with our friends. People hire advocates to plead their cases or to go in their behalf when they are in some sort of trouble. But, how do you trust a hired advocate? They may be an expert in their field, but they are not an expert in YOU. I feel that I am able to trust Aaron to speak for me or for us because he is an expert in me. He takes the time to understand me. He pursues the truth and depth of me (I had to train him to, but he does do it!). He "gets" me. So, I don't have a problem with him speaking for me. In fact, it brings such a freedom to me because, like I said before, it allows the best part of me to come forward at the time when I'm needed, but I can find refuge in him when I'm ugly and unbecoming. (I have this picture in my head of Fiona in the windmill, taking refuge there during her "ugly" moment, so she can be free to show her beauty in the morning. It's not a perfect analogy in the context of the movie--"Shrek" in case you were wondering--but I can't shake the image even as I'm rereading this.)

I recently heard someone comment about choosing between celibacy and marriage. He said that you have to find what makes you shine. Are you better on your own or in partnership? The answer for me is a resounding "MARRIED"!!!! And I think Aaron would say the same. In fact, it's in our wedding vows that we would serve each other and serve God in such a way that we'd be better at showing God's glory together than apart. And, by God's awesome grace, that's coming true in our marriage.

I think this ability to find a refuge in Aaron is a metaphor for my life in Christ. I can run into Christ when I'm all ugly and he will advocate for me. He will speak for me. He's #1 in the field of Raeology! :) I can trust him to speak and act on my behalf. (Hmmm--I wonder how much he trusts me to speak and act on his behalf?!). One of the themes of the weekend was that Christ is in God and we are in Christ and Christ is in us (John 14-17) and there is a synergy and unity there. That's what I feel in my marriage, and in my relationship with Jesus. It's pretty cool to discover such great freedom and beauty in submission.

I think I'll forward this whole post to Aaron now. I told him how I was feeling on the car ride home, but it's nice to have these things in writing too. I hope my thoughts were at least somewhat clear to my readers, all 3 of you. :)


Tarah said...

:) What an awesome feeling. I love knowing when I am lost for words, that Scott can help me finish. :) Marriage in God's hands is awesome! You are lucky to have aaron!

My Man and Me

My Man and Me
married 7/7/2001


ours through biology, born 7/25/2004, home 8/1/2004


ours through adoption from Liberia, West Africa, born 7/15/2005, home 10/25/2007


ours through domestic adoption, born 1/15/2011, home 2/10/2011, final 8/3/2011

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Round Two Timeline

  • 9/24/08 Home study update home visit for Ghana adoption
  • 10/15/08 Dossier sent to AOHG
  • 10/15/08 I600A application sent to USCIS
  • 10/30/08 First heard about possible domestic private adoption
  • 11/18/08 Last spoke with contact about possible domestic adoption; expected to hear back about meeting with birthmother
  • 12/3/08 Withdrew application from AOHG
  • 1/6/09 Found out another family had been chosen for possible domestic adoption
  • 1/21/09 USCIS fingerprinting appointment
  • 1/8/09 Received USCIS fingerprinting appointment notice
  • 4/11/09 Sent Pre-Application to Covenant Care Adoptions for Domestic Infant Adoption program
  • 6/8/09 Social worker visit to update home study from International to Domestic
  • 7/24/09 Received completed home study update
  • 8/25/09 Went "on the list" for birthfamilies to choose from
  • 4/28/10 Found out a birth mom had chosen us
  • 5/8/10 Met the birth mom
  • 5/11/10 Got the call that birth mom changed her mind
  • 5/19/10 Birth mom's scheduled c-section
  • 11/30/10 Visit from DSS sw about foster parenting
  • 11/30/10 Got the call that another birth mom had chosen us
  • 12/21/10 Met with the birth mom
  • 1/15/11 @1:42 PM BB was born!
  • 1/19/11 ICPC (interstate) paperwork sent to GA for approval
  • 1/31/11 ICPC Clearance Approved
  • 2/10/11 Placement Ceremony and Pup comes home!!!!
  • 8/3/11 It's Official! Pup's Adoption Decree was issued